Learning to be careful
by Mims
Summary: Xander becomes very observant when he comes into possesion of something that could affect things for the whole Scooby Gang. What he sees he doesn't like and now must make choices that will change everything. (eventually B/X)
1. Default Chapter1

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did but be careful what you wish for, of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Learning to be careful (1/?)  
  
It's amazing how stupid they think I am. Or maybe it's amazing how stupid I was. Or maybe, it's just amazing that we live in a world where we see only what we truly want to see, and sometimes we see it even if it's not there. Yeah, I know, you're reading this like, Xander Harris philosophical? Well let me just say, me too.  
  
You see I've been watching people. I mean truly watching. Stalking isn't too strong a word here. What? I can't be mature all the time, it'd be out of character. Anyway, back to my point, I've been looking to see beyond the surface. I've been looking at my friends.  
  
I started with Dawn. I don't really know why. I think, maybe, because she's still innocent, or at least not as jaded as the rest of us. She steals things. Little things, trinkets from the Magic Box, Anya's earings, stuff like that. She does it for attention. And it's not working because we've all been too busy with our own crap to notice her. I think she has a Conway Twitty CD of mine, but that's beside the point. She's lonely. She's skipping school. She's crying out for attention and there's not nearly enough to go around.  
  
I looked to Willow next, cause she's been the only constant in my life. Well, not so much a constant lately, but she's still there. This magic thing is really hard on her. I compare it to a sex addiction, gee who would have guessed Xander and sex right? Sex itself isn't bad, but addiction to it and misuse of it can have great consequences. Willow is reaching out too. But I think I burnt the `help Willow deal with magic abuse' bridge when I jumped down her throat when Buffy was invisible. The others could help maybe, but again, there isn't enough attention to go around.  
  
I watch Anya everyday. Not like I did before, because now I actually listen to what she says. She's scared too. That crazy demon friend of hers scared her. I can't blame her. She's seen the worst of men and now she's about to pledge her life to one. I'm scared, well because despite my newfound deepness, I'm still Xander. Still, ever so slightly, holding out for Buffy while managing to not fully appreciate what I have right in front of me. Pathetic I know, especially when I get to the part about Buffy.  
  
Which, I suppose, comes now. I'd like to say something about Tara here, but since the breakup she isn't around much and I'm not in a big hurry to go to jail for stalking. So I watched Buffy. I hadn't really looked at her since I found out why she was so depressed. It was just hard to deal with but I always figured she'd come out of it and we'd talk when she was ready. Instead, she's wallowing in it. With Spike. They're wallowing together and I mean that just like it sounds. The big S word. I wish this was jeopardy and that stood for s-words or swords like on the Saturday Night Live parody, but I digress. Digress, big word huh?  
  
Anyway, so Buffy and Spike are doing the nasty. At first, I just went on like everything was normal and I was still clueless. Honestly I knew it was going on. I knew she was down there while she was invisible, but like I said before, people only see what they want to. I figured she would tell us when she was ready and we could deal. I mean hell, if we did Deadboy part one what does it matter if we do it again, right? Okay, so I probably would have lost it but this isn't about me, at least not yet.  
  
Then I realized that this sex thing was all they had. It wasn't a real relationship but it consumed her. She stopped caring about Dawn. You would think leaving Dawn in the hands of a girl who almost just killed her, despite that fact that it's your best friend, would be a bad idea. But Buffy didn't notice, or more likely she just didn't care.  
  
I talked to Dawn after the whole issue with the police when Buffy almost turned herself in and she told me what she said to Buffy. The sad thing is, Dawn was dead on with everything she said. Which makes me hurt in a way I didn't think was possible. It made me actually miss high school, where the line between the good guys and bad guys were usually pretty clear.  
  
So, now I know what you're thinking: If this is what's going on why haven't I done anything about it? Well, I'm about too. I'm getting to that part.  
  
There was a reason I started watching people in the first place. I wanted to make sure whatever I did I didn't mess things up for everyone. Now I see that things have hit rock bottom and there may still be a lower place. So I have a plan. By the way, Cordy bite me cause I know what you're thinking. Again, back to the point.  
  
This being the hellmouth and all, I came across something pretty unbelievable. I found the proverbial genie in the magic lamp. Okay, except that it's more verbial and less pro. I actually found a genie in a magic lamp. It came in a shipment for the Magic Box. I even said to myself, self this looks just like a magic lamp. So I rubbed it for fun. Fun came in the form a huge genie that took up the entire back room. He told me the score. Basically standard genie wish rules, three wishes, can't wish for more wishes can't kill anyone that kind of deal.  
  
But, having dated a former wish granting demon, plus the fact that I've seen my share of movies and TV shows, I knew I needed to be careful what I wished for. So, I decided to examine the lives of the people I care about, to make sure I'm not screwing anything up. The thing is, I probably have the most to lose. I have Anya and, oh wait that's it. And who am I really kidding, I love her but I'm not ready for that commitment yet. She's only been human for a few years so I don't think she's ready for that either.  
  
So, now I try to figure out what to wish for. That's what I spent the next three days doing. I thought about it at the site, which by the way I don't recommend because I nearly got decapitated and last time I checked that's not going to be good for wishing. I thought about wishing Glory never existed. It would mean Buffy never died and then she wouldn't be in the horrible place she is now. That's out though, because no Glory means no Dawn and I'm not sure I can live without her. So now I'm left with pondering all the whatifs of life.  
  
Yeah it's about as much fun as it sounds. Thinking about all the things you wish were different, all the things you blame yourself for, and all the little things that could change everything. What's really sick is that I've contemplated wishing that Angel never had the out clause in his curse. Yeah, I know, who wrote this and what did they do with Xander, but hear me out. Our current predicament aside, the time when Angel lost his soul was the darkest time of my life. Miss Calendar would still be alive, which would mean Giles would still be here. All the people he killed would still be alive. Buffy would never have left for the summer so the vamps that got away from us, well wouldn't have. But most of all, Buffy would be happy. And no matter what I say, that's what I want most.  
  
But I axed that one. Now before you jump down my throat, think of all the good he's done in LA, huh. I think it was his destiny to go there and be helping the helpless or hopeless or whatever. Plus, I still don't think Buffy and a vampire would ever really work out, there's the whole age thing, the blood sucking, the fertility thing and yeah I know way too much thought into this.  
  
Of course I've thought about wishing Buffy knew about the curse and Willow knew about her, uh, sexual preference, back in Sophomore year so maybe I could have had a real shot with Buffy. Again with the axe. It's not the way I would want things between us to happen, if they ever did. Plus I liked Oz. Who knows what else that would have changed if Willow hadn't been in love with me and if Buffy was not with Angel.  
  
So, still at a place remarkably like square one. I thought about Jesse. Again though, having him around could change so many things. Not that everything is so great, but I want to have some idea of what type of variables are going to be around. I actually considered wishing that I knew what to wish for, but that's just too lame.  
  
Then, it hit me. Joyce. She never affected the slaying and was such a great guide to Buffy. I figured that couldn't possibly screw things up if I wished her back.  
  
So, that night I told Anya I'd met her at the Magic Box for the Scooby meeting. Yeah, that was not an easy sell, but somehow I convinced her I didn't have ulterior motives. Big lie I know, but still. So I rubbed the lamp and big giant genie guy appears. I told him I have my first wish. He seemed unimpressed. Bite me, I thought. Anyhow, I asked him to make it so Joyce Summers had never died. Nothing changed, except genie guy was gone.  
  
"That's it, that's all the show I get? No poof or magic smoke or your wish is my command. Come on, you've just ruined my perfect stereotype of genies!" I yelled at him. Stupid genie.  
  
I left the apartment and headed off to the Magic Box. When I arrived I was greeted by a sight I never imagined: A smiling Joyce holding Giles' hand. Shock is a definite understatement. I stood slack jawed for a good thirty seconds.  
  
"Xander?" Buffy asked. That's when I took in the rest of the room. There was Buffy paging through a book on demons, with a smile on her face. Dawn was doing her homework next to Buffy at the table, with help from Willow and Tara. Willow and Tara exchanged a worried look and Willow spoke to me.  
  
"Xan, you look live you've seen a ghost. Or, well, something a little scarier than that considering we live on the hellmouth and all."  
  
Tara squeezed Willow's hand tenderly and looked at me with nervous anticipation. See, told you I'm getting perceptive.  
  
"No Wills, I'm good. Just, you know me, I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached. Which reminds me, why am I here?" I decided to play the `I'm just dumb Xander' card.  
  
"Hvorty," Giles said patiently. "I believe you called him the big scary demon type thing."  
  
"Oh," I mustered. Smooth, Xander, real smooth. "Where's Anya?" I asked after I decided she wasn't in the back.  
  
The looks I received made me instantly regret my question. Roll with the flow. At least that had been the plan before I started acting like an idiot.  
  
"Honey," Joyce smiled warmly at me. "I know it's been hard on you, but, and take this as the word of a woman who spent two years in Sunnydale doing this, selective memories aren't healthy."  
  
Okay, so now I'm a dead man walking. I had no idea what was different since my wish and Anya was gone. In what sense I couldn't figure, but from Joyce's tone she was out of the picture for now. I decided the generic answer would be safe. "I know, you're right, it's just hard sometimes, you know." I thought that should be pretty safe. Just conversing with Joyce made me feel good.  
  
Just then everyone's favorite vampire charges in the store. "Something is wrong," he said.  
  
"Yeah, like you being here," Buffy tossed out at him lightly. Spike stared at her for a moment. He did the same double take I had when he saw Joyce and Giles holding hands.  
  
"Bloody hell, what is going on?" His eyes locked with mine. I tried to hide my own confusion, but Spike saw through me. What, I got thoughtful that doesn't mean I'm perfect. "What did you do," he growled.  
  
"Spike," Giles said coldly. "If you don't have any useful information for us, I'd ask you to please leave my store."  
  
"I need a moment with the kid," Spike eyed me. Perfect, I thought. Just what I need.  
  
What happened next shocked me even more. Buffy stood up and blocked the path between Spike and me. "Spike," she said evenly. "Xander's had a tough time lately. And the last thing he needs is for you to harass him." There was a layer of steel behind her words that she reserved for special occasions.  
  
Spike stared for a moment. He shifted his gaze back and forth between Buffy and me. His eyes rested on me and he spoke with a deadly quiet that terrified me, "Later." He turned and stormed out of the shop.  
  
"Thanks Buff," I said with a lump in my throat. He knew, and I knew he knew and he knew I knew he knew. Make sense of that. You think that was a hard sentence to read, try writing it.  
  
Buffy turned from watching the door and looked at me with such care and compassion that I just wanted to melt away. "Anything for you Xander. I don't know what Spike would want with you, but I didn't think his tone meant anything of the good variety for you."  
  
I was speechless for a good minute. I had to let it all sink in. Buffy had no feelings for Spike. Joyce was alive and apparently she and Giles had something going. Tara and Willow had either made up or never broken up, it was hard to tell. Good for them, they all deserve happiness. Of course, their happiness was coming at Anya's expense. I knew I had to figure that mystery out quickly so I could fix it. Then I remembered the lamp.  
  
"Hey, I forgot something at my apartment. I need to run back there."  
  
"Let me drive you," Buffy offered. "Keep you away from Spike. Not that he could really do anything to you, but you never know."  
  
Buffy took my arm and pulled me towards the door. "We'll be back," she called cheerily to the others.  
  
"Do try and be quick. Hvorty will be reappearing tomorrow night and we must be prepared," Giles informed us, his attention not on the book in front of him but the woman at his side.  
  
"We will. Thanks Giles," I said.  
  
Once we left and were safely inside Buffy's car, -I just figured Buffy learned to drive since her mom didn't say anything in the shop-, Buffy asked me what I forgot. Shit, I thought. I needed to make something up and quickly.  
  
"I think I left the stove on, I was just too embarrassed to tell the others," I offered, hoping the explanation sounded plausible.  
  
"Xander," she said as she started the car. "You know we all understand what you're going through. You're bound to let little things slip your mind sometimes, but you don't have to be embarrassed. Not with us." Her last words had such a softness to them I couldn't help the huge smile on my face.  
  
"That means a lot to me Buffy," I said genuinely.  
  
"Of course."  
  
We arrived at my apartment building and I told Buffy to just wait in the car and I'd be back in a second. I ran up the stairs, pulling my keys out. I was ready to burst in, grab the lamp and burst out. When I arrived at my door I burst all right, smack dab into Spike, who was waiting for me right outside. . And as I finished writing that sentence a big eww comes over me, please ignore the double meaning of that.  
  
Shit was about the only thought going through my head at this point.  
  
He growled at me in anger. "I'll ask you again: What did you do?"  
  
TBC  
  
Another author once said that feedback for fanfic is like being paid for a published author. Please leave me feedback. Of course, money would be fine too. 


	2. Default Chapter2

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did but be careful what you wish for, of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Learning to be careful (2/?)  
  
Okay, so when last we left off, Spike is towering over me in a threatening type manner that implies he wishes to do me bodily harm. "I'll ask you again: What did you do?" he growled.  
  
"Me?" Yeah, like that was going to work.  
  
"Vampire mate, remember? Spells like this don't affect my mind. Remember the Glory and Ben spell. But you, on the other hand should be right at home, being lost and special ed with all your friends. I saw your confusion. I'm not a friggin idiot. And knowing your track record with magic, I know you did something."  
  
"Me?" What can I say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  
  
"Yes you, you ninny!"  
  
"I know nothing," I said in my best Hogan's Heros impression.  
  
"Well, then you explain to me how I was on top," Spike stopped. "Of patrolling with Buffy," he said after an all too long pause. I had to roll my eyes at scoff at him. "And the next thing I knew she was gone. So I come looking for help and I see Joyce and the old man in there. They all looked like they knew what was going on, but you were just as bloody confused as I was."  
  
"Maybe I got superpowers we just don't know about yet?" I ventured. He's so not going to buy that.  
  
"Yeah and maybe I'm the bloody slayer," he retorted.  
  
"Oh," I said with a new sparkle. "Which reminds that one is waiting for me in the car and if I take too long will come looking for me."  
  
This seemed to discomfort Spike. Good plan Xander. Of course that was before Spike got the really evil look on his face.  
  
"Well, maybe I'll just wait for her and tell her all about the way things were."  
  
"Buffy will never believe she slept with you," I shot back. It was Spike's turn to have his jaw hit the floor. So I played my trump card a little early. Sue me.  
  
"You did do this, I knew it!" Spike jumped at me but recoiled in pain. At least his chip was still working. This gave me a sense of calm and I took advantage of it. I climbed to my feet and looked him in the eye.  
  
"Even if Buffy were crazy enough to believe you, she's happy now. Mrs. Summers is alive and Giles is here. I know that doesn't matter to you, but it does to her."  
  
"Watch yourself boy. I liked Joyce."  
  
"Mrs. Summers to you," I spat back.  
  
"Whatever you whelp."  
  
I cut him off before he could keep going. "The point is things are better now. I will not let you get your dirty hands on her again and degrade her like you have."  
  
"Spying on her again mate?" Spike asked.  
  
"Only since I," Luckily I stopped myself. Spike almost got me. "Nice try Billy Idol."  
  
"Fix this," he told me. "Or I'll go to them myself."  
  
"I already fixed things. Now get out before I stake you." Woo! Xander Harris grows a pair. Everybody throw your hands around like you just don't care. Sorry, some rap on the radio as I write this, but hey it rhymed, sort of.  
  
He closed in on my face and stood nose to nose with me. "I may not be able to hurt you, but I have people who will."  
  
"Lay another hand on him and you and your people will have to deal with me," Buffy called from behind us. I couldn't help the slight grin that appeared on my face. "Now get out. And I mean Sunnydale. I see you again I will stake you."  
  
The look on Spike's face, well it almost made me feel pity for him. Almost. He looked like someone who just watched their puppy get run over repeatedly, then beaten with a sledgehammer before being cut open for parts. Scary visual place, sorry. But, like I said, it was almost pity. To be having sex, - not making love-, to Buffy one moment, then have her tell you to get out of town the next, it would have broken any man's heart. But then again, Spike isn't a man.  
  
He shoved me aside and walked in front of Buffy. "Buffy, you don't mean that."  
  
Buffy had broken out what I like to call the gaze of death. Just the second hand gaze was enough to scare the crap out of me.  
  
"Spike, I mean that."  
  
"The bugger did something. Messed with everyone's mind, did a spell or something. He changed everything."  
  
"Please Spike. If Xander did do a spell to change everything, Anya would be here."  
  
"Where is the demon?" Spike asked. Then smirked, "No wait, better ask Xander, cause I bet he doesn't know."  
  
I felt like a deer caught in headlights. And not just regular headlights, we're talking a semi-truck here. So, I did what any self-respecting man would do in my position. I cried.  
  
That earned Spike a fist to the face. Buffy came over to me and held me. I'll tell you what, I deserve an Oscar for my waterworks performance. I balled my eyes out. Spike glared at me. He turned to leave but Buffy called to him. "Spike."  
  
He stopped and turned to face us with a sly look on his face. "Yes pet?"  
  
"I mean it. I want you gone. You mistook our sympathy and mercy for caring. Now get out before you're a pile of dust."  
  
Spike gave his mutilated puppy dog look again before saying, "This isn't over Harris." He disappeared down the hall.  
  
"Xan," she gently stroked my hair. "You okay?"  
  
"I've been better," I said truthfully. The whole exchange had left me confused and concerned. I didn't think they'd take Spike's word over mine, but something had changed the group dynamic and left Spike outside looking in. That was more than fine with me. Unfortunately, Spike wouldn't stop until he figured things out, which meant I'd have to deal with him eventually.  
  
"Look, let's turn that oven off and get you back to the Magic Shop. If you want you can stay at my house, you know the couch is always open," Buffy offered gently.  
  
"Thanks," I replied. I got up and opened the door. When I entered the apartment I really wasn't ready for the shock of it all. Everything Anya was gone. Every picture, every piece of furniture, every little thing she picked out or bought was no where in sight.  
  
"Xander?" Buffy's voice snapped me out of it.  
  
"Huh? Oh sorry, just I got used to it with all Anya's stuff in it and it's still an adjustment."  
  
"I know the feeling. I remember the time right after Angel left, every little thing reminded me of him. Or I would kill something and look around for him, even though I knew he wasn't there. It just brought back all these memories," she smiled sympathetically at me.  
  
"I'll be right back," I told her and went into the bedroom. It had also gone through a de-Anyaing. Luckily the lamp remanded just where I left it. I let go a breath I'd been holding since I entered the bedroom. I grabbed the lamp and was about to head out when I caught sight of a piece of paper with Anya's handwriting on it. It was folded in two. I picked it up and opened it.  
  
DEAR XANDER:  
  
I KNOW THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT THERE IS A REAL FUTURE BETWEEN US. EVER SINCE LAST SUMMER YOU HAVE BEEN DISTANT AND UNSURE OF YOURSELF, ESPECIALLY AROUND ME. I SEE THE COMFORT LEVEL YOU HAVE WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND I WONDER WHAT HAS CHANGED BETWEEN US. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SEX THAT OFTEN ANYMORE, SO I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG.  
  
EVERYTIME I TRY AND TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU, YOU CLOSE OFF OR GET DEFENSIVE. SO, I DECIDED TO MAKE THINGS EASIER ON BOTH OF US. I HAD A GYPSY FRIEND OF MINE DO A READING ON US. SHE SAID WE HAVE GENUINE CARE FOR EACH OTHER, BUT WE WEREN'T MEANT TO BE.  
  
SO, I'M LEAVING SUNNYDALE. I NEED TO SEE SOME OF THE WORLD AS A HUMAN ANYWAY. I HOPE YOU FIND HAPPINESS XANDER, AND I PROMISE IF I EVER BECOME A DEMON AGAIN I WILL NOT HURT YOU IN ANY WAY. WELL I DON'T THINK I WOULD. DON'T WAIT FOR ME, BECAUSE I MAY NEVER RETURN. I LOVE YOU XANDER, EVEN IF WE WEREN'T MEANT TO BE.  
  
LOVE, ANYA  
  
Now I knew. I knew why I had been so sad. Anya left me and wasn't coming back. What do gypsies know anyway, stupid curses that set homicidal maniacs loose if they have sex, who comes up with that stuff anyway?  
  
"Hey Xander, the oven wasn't on, oh Xan," she said, sympathy full in her voice. I must have read the letter a lot. There were wear marks on the edges and a few tear stains on the paper. Stains I was about to add to. I felt Buffy slip her arms around me and hug me from behind. "You have to stop blaming yourself Xander. You weren't ready."  
  
"But I was. I was going to propose to her," I said, despite my pain I was careful not to let slip I did propose to her.  
  
"Xander, Mom was right. You weren't ready to make that type of commitment. You never would have gone through with it and that would have hurt her worse."  
  
Something about what she said clicked. Of course, Mrs. Summers. She was more of a mother to me than my own and I would have asked her advice, had she still been alive, when I proposed to Anya the first time. Joyce would have made me really think about it. She wouldn't have let me rush into this. She must have convinced me to wait.  
  
And deep down, I knew she was right. I never would have been able to go through with it. Still, I thought Anya would always be a part of my life.  
  
"I guess it was just selfish of me to think she'd still want to be a part of my life," I told Buffy. I had never talked about Anya with Buffy before. Mostly because I didn't want to make her feel bad about Riley leaving. Now, well I knew I needed her. Sorry, this part is too depressing for a smart-ass comment.  
  
"You had to figure out what you wanted. You pushed her away a little sure. You needed some space. But she left on her own. You never wanted her too."  
  
Buffy's words soothed my emotions. She knew exactly what I was going through, because she had gone through it herself with Angel.  
  
"Thank you so much Buff, I don't know what I'd do without you."  
  
"Die a fiery, fiery death?" She asked in her peppy playful voice.  
  
"That aside," I chuckled and turned to face her, "I mean it."  
  
"I know. You were always there for me, to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, this is the least I can do for you," her warmth and sincerity made me feel nice inside. Buffy was so, well Buffy.  
  
Then I had a new question. Did Buffy ever die, or was this just the result of her mother being alive when she came back? My only hope to find out, without arising suspicion, was to check Giles watcher journals. I know he kept them far after the council's firing, but I wasn't sure if he still did.  
  
"What's that?" Buffy asked me, pointing to my lamp.  
  
This one I was prepared for. "Just a lucky charm thing. Like a rabbit's foot, but you know Anya and bunnies, so rabbits were out and magic lamps are in."  
  
"Might I say Xan, it's not working too well. That was a nasty run in with Spike. You need to be careful."  
  
"I will," I offered her a smile. "I may take you up on that offer of a sleepover."  
  
"Only if you let me and Dawn paint your nails," she told me.  
  
"We'll see," I answered with a hint of mischief. We broke the embrace and left.  
  
The car ride back was uneventful with a quiet sense of peace and closure. I just knew this was the way things should have worked out if this weren't a hellmouth. (Or a TV show that panders to the desire of young girls to see James Marsters without a shirt on. Whoa where did that come from?)  
  
Back to the story. We arrived back at the Magic Box to find very little change. Giles and Joyce were paging through some books, and dare I say, playing a mean little game of footsy. Willow and Tara were still helping Dawn with her homework, while holding hands. It was so sickly sweet it made me want to hurl. Not in the literal sense of course, but you knew that I'm sure.  
  
Buffy resumed her seat and began to page through a big thick book called DEMONA. "Fun reading Buff?" I asked.  
  
"The funnest," she replied.  
  
I went and began cautiously looking through Giles collection of books, subtly appearing to be searching for a book on demons. Yeah, Xander and subtly an oxymoron if ever there was one. Yeah, Xander and the word oxymoron in the same sentence an oxymor... okay you get the idea. I looked for the journal for a little while before deciding to see what I could dig up on demony guy, so I wouldn't be too suspicious.  
  
"Oh, is that it?" Joyce asked Giles after a few minutes.  
  
He smiled at her, "Yes, I believe it is." That was so strange to me. Not in a bad way, just different. Joyce had never been involved in research before. But it made sense. If Joyce lived through the whole Glory ordeal, it meant she had to know that Dawn was the key. Knowing Joyce, having two daughters in supernatural trouble would mean she'd want to help out however she could. And one thing probably lead to another and the ship that is Joyce and Giles began. Man I'm good. I should've got perceptive a long time ago.  
  
We all gathered around to look at her discovery. Holy shit about sums this demon up. It turns out he's the older relative of Gachnar the fear demon from a few Halloweens ago. Only he's life size. But his catch is he can only appear when summoned, and then only once a week after that. He feeds on fear too, except it's our fear of him that he likes. It makes him stronger and more powerful.  
  
"This guy sounds like fun," I said aloud after everyone had read the passage on him.  
  
"No kidding," Willow agreed.  
  
"So, how do I kill it? Not be afraid of him, cause I can do that," Buffy said.  
  
"Well, I wish it were t-t-that simple," Giles said, cleaning his glasses. God I missed this man. "You will actually have to kill him as you would any other demon. But, if you have any fear when you kill him, he will, come back to life the next week."  
  
"So, we're talking the Freddy Kruger approach to death here?" I ventured. Giles shot me a look. Come on, say it, I know you want to, I urged him silently.  
  
He sighed. "Yes Xander, I suppose. Whatever would we do if not for your wonderful observations to keep our objectives clear?" YES! That was better than I expected, especially in my state of mind, I thought he'd go easy on me.  
  
"Rupert," Joyce chided him gently, "I think you should lay off Xander a little." The smile that played on my face was of pure joy. I missed them both so much.  
  
"So, how d-d-o w-we make sure Buffy isn't a-afraid of him when he d-dies," Tara interjected. I wished I had noticed that about her before. I always tried to diffuse tension with humor, and she did just as well by getting the conversation back on topic, despite her fear of attention. Willow's a lucky gal.  
  
"I could cast a courage spell," Willow said cheerfully. That earned her glares from both Tara and myself. "Or not," she said dejectedly.  
  
"I'm a brave girl Will, I can handle it," Buffy told her.  
  
"Buffy, he may not feed you your worst fears, but he will attempt to play off them," Giles reminded her.  
  
"As long as you are all safe, there's nothing he can say or do to scare me," Buffy replied.  
  
"Well, at least take some backup honey," Joyce offered her. "Maybe Spike?"  
  
"No," we both said in unison. "Spike is not welcome anymore," Buffy finished. "I told him to leave town. He threatened Xander and he was serious. If anyone sees him, you have my blessing to tell him to get out, or stake him whatever type of mood you're in."  
  
Whoa! I knew she was pissed, but to turn on Spike that much, surprisingly, didn't bother me one bit. You know the saying, once a vampire hater, always a vampire hater. But I was still left with the burning question, how did Joyce being alive change so much?  
  
"Well, I don't know about the staking part," Willow said, "but if he threatened Xander he's out of the gang. I say we take a vote."  
  
"Willow, we're not a real gang," Buffy chuckled, and then became serious again. "Spike is still evil, just neutered. So, if he shows up again, angry violence will follow."  
  
"Honey, Spike has done some good," Joyce offered. Despite the fact she was arguing against us, I love how she always keeps a level head and offers the other side of things. It's good to have another perspective. See, I done learned me real well pa.  
  
"Yes, but he's also done decades of evil, and doesn't seem to feel bad about it. Hence, the evilness and therefore the killing," Buffy replied. Go Buffy!  
  
"I'm just saying," Joyce muttered.  
  
"We'll deal with Spike at a later time. However, if he is threatening Xander, we should keep an eye out on him," Giles intervened.  
  
"Sleepover!" Dawn giggled in happiness. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her laughter until that moment.  
  
"Yeah, he's going to let us paint his nails," Buffy told her younger sister with an evil grin.  
  
"I said maybe," I replied. Hey, I had manly pride on the line here, in front of the whole one other man in the room. Good Lord, I need some guy friends.  
  
"Be that as it may," Giles sighed. "We'll leave Spike out of this one. I do suggest you take some backup Buffy."  
  
"I'll be fine. Just as long as you are all safe."  
  
Giles sighed again. He knew when he was beaten. "Fine. Let's pack up and call it a night."  
  
We did that. I grabbed my lamp while we cleaned everything up and put the books away. But as we were about to turn the lights off and head out, I saw something on Giles desk labeled WATCHER'S DIARY. I believe that is called a dilemma.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please give me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	3. Default Chapter3

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Learning to be careful (3/?)  
  
  
  
It was just sitting there, mocking me in all it's mockingness. WATCHER'S DIARY, just sitting on his desk, laughing it up like intimate objects do when they think you're not looking. Or so says Uncle Rory, so it's up to you whether you go for that idea. It was an easy grab, just reach my hand out and take the journal. So, what to do?  
  
I had about six seconds to decide. Could I really take the journal, stuff it in my pants, hide it until I get to Buffy's, then dump it off somewhere in the house until I get a couple moments alone. OR, I could wait until tomorrow, when I would undoubtedly be back at the Magic Box.  
  
What's so funny, have you not gotten use to my new expanded vocabulary that includes words such as subtly, oxymoron, and undoubtedly.  
  
So, guess what I did. I left it. That's right, I actually did the sensible thing for a change. Plus, I didn't think I would be able to fend off the makeover twins with a book hidden somewhere in my pants, and don't even go there I'm warning you.  
  
Giles and Joyce hopped into the front of the jeep while Buffy, Dawn and I pilled in the back. We waved goodbye to Willow and Tara, who headed off towards the UC Sunnydale campus. I was surprised that they were still living on campus, although it made a lot of sense when I thought about it, just a little strange. Not that the house was empty, but I'd need to keep reminding myself about that little factoid.  
  
The jeep roared to life and we headed to the Summers' house. Then, I was hit with the Ewwness. Joyce was driving and Giles was in the car. And we were not heading to Giles house in any way, shape or form. Maybe he'll walk home, yeah that's what'll happen.  
  
"You okay?" Dawn's voice snapped me out of my inner monologue.  
  
"Cool as a cucumber," I replied. Again, the Ewwness overtook me because, being Xander, I had a horrible image pop into my head at the use of the word cucumber. Three words for you: SCARRED FOR LIFE!  
  
Except for my incredible awkward feeling, the rest of the car ride was nice. Dawn and Buffy teased each other mercilessly. Apparently, since Dawn now has a nice healthy home and isn't depressed and neglected, she had a hopping social life. A boyfriend, tested by Buffy to be demon free, and a group of friends somewhat like a Scooby gang the next generation. Buffy, on the other hand, hadn't seriously dated anyone since Riley. I think I heard Dawn call her a social demon, but I was still suffering from Giles/Joyce sex images.  
  
I was snapped from my scary visual place by the sudden stop of the car. Don't get excited we just got home. What, you think every time something sudden happens there's a demon involved? Oh, wait, Sunnydale, so that's a pretty safe assumption. But, not this time anyway.  
  
"Come on, I promise to keep you safe from big bad Spike," Buffy teased. I glanced around and noticed that, while I was thinking all the witty stuff I just wrote, everyone else had exited the car.  
  
"You think I'm scared of the blond bad ass," I assured her. And at that point I really wasn't, too much. Spike was all neutered so everything was sunshine and roses. Do you sense the foreshadowing? That part comes later.  
  
I followed her inside and plopped myself down on the couch. Dawn bounded away to get some videos while Giles and Joyce went into the kitchen for some tea. My God they're quaint.  
  
Dawn returned with Titanic.  
  
"Oh hell no!" I shouted. I don't care how much I love the girl, I am not watching the love second most tragic love story ever. Buffy and Angel being the first, except their tragic in a violent 'I'm going to kill all your friends and torture you way'.  
  
"Please," she pouted.  
  
"Come on Xan, you get to see Kate Winslet naked," Buffy offered.  
  
"What about no was unclear here?"  
  
"Please," Dawn repeated.  
  
"Please," Buffy joined in now.  
  
Damn, Summers' women and their pouting lips.  
  
"Fine, but I get to rewind the boob scene." What? I'm still a man.  
  
"Corrupting my daughters Xander," Joyce teased me.  
  
"Hey, if Xander came as an action figure the side of the box would read, 'Have your very own Xander-shaped bud, he can be your best and completely plutonic friend.'"  
  
"You're too hard on yourself Xan," Dawn told me. "All my friends think you're hot."  
  
Despite the fact that since my wish I had zero recall of Dawn's friends, I was still blushing a little bit.  
  
"Now, don't embarrass poor Xander. Too much," Joyce smiled at me. Giles is a lucky man, I can't believe I forgot how special Joyce was. "Well, goodnight," Joyce waved at us and started up the stairs. "Don't stay up too late, I know it's not a school night but you should still get your rest."  
  
"Sure Mom," Dawn said. What she meant was, 'get upstairs so I can try and give Xander a makeover.'  
  
"Night," I replied. What I meant was, 'please stay and save me from a night of Titanic and girl talk.' Joyce continued on her way. She chose her daughter over me. What you gonna do?  
  
Dawn popped Titanic in and sat next to me on the couch, pushing me right up against Buffy.  
  
"Personal space Xander?" Buffy asked. I started to move away but she stopped me. "Kidding. Relax, I've been this close to you before and I survived, I think I can suffer through it." Anyone else says that to me, I'm hurt and offended. Somehow, Buffy pulled it off.  
  
After about ten minutes Giles entered the room, made a big scene complete with yawning and stretching. "All that research seems to have left me drained. As much as I would love to stay here and watch, dear Lord, Titanic, I think I shall turn in for the evening. Night all."  
  
"Night," we said in unison. I waited until he climbed up the stairs before turning to Buffy and whispering in her ear.  
  
"Not to be crude, but he and your mom are, together right?"  
  
Buffy laughed a little. She whispered back, "Yeah. But when Giles moved in a few weeks ago he setup in the spare bedroom. He slips into Mom's room every night and back before morning. He thinks we have no idea. It's actually funny, once you get past the whole eww factor."  
  
It was my turn to laugh. So, Giles sold the bachelor pad and moved into the Summers house. Guess it wasn't so empty after all. I couldn't help my curiosity and hoped I could play my next question off on being dumb ole Xander. "So, if he's pretending not be with you your Mom, what did he say he was moving in for again?"  
  
Buffy started to laugh so hard tears were rolling down her face.  
  
"What's so funny?" Dawn demanded.  
  
"Xander. He asked what Giles said he moved in for."  
  
Okay, so now I have them both laughing at me. I feel about this tall. Oh, you can't see my this tall hand gesture can you? Well imagine this tall and you'll get the point.  
  
"All right, what is so damn funny?" I asked.  
  
"Just the way you said that. What did he say he was moving in for, come on Xan, you of all people should get that."  
  
I just shook my head and tried to hide my smile. When we calmed down Buffy said, "He said the Magic Box wasn't doing well enough for him to support his apartment and Mom offered to let him move in, remember?"  
  
"That's right. You know me, what's the point in paying attention when someone can tell you what happened later?"  
  
"You aren't like that Xander," Buffy insisted.  
  
"Thanks Buff," I said. She was trying so hard to make sure I didn't blame myself for Anya leaving or think I was worthless. It was incredibly sweet.  
  
We sat back down and settled in for the movie. Okay, time to be deep and philosophical again. Because I sure as hell wasn't paying attention to the movie, so I had time to think. I started to think about a wonderful life. Jimmy Stewart's life changed so much, all he had to do was be himself and he affected every life he touched.  
  
Joyce had that affect on people. Giles had a glow about him. Granted it was a stuffy, British sort of glow, but it was still good to see him happy. I realized how much I needed to let him know I cared about him. He's been the only solid male influence in my life and I never told him. Hell, I almost let him walk out of my life with a handshake. Sometimes I'm such a dumbass.  
  
Dawn was really happy. She realized just how much everyone cared about her. And not just Joyce and Buffy, but the rest of us. I knew Dawn was important to me, but I never realized how much she meant. She was the little sister I never had. Except, now I did. I had to laugh when she fawned over Leonardo it was sickeningly cute.  
  
I had only seen a little of Willow and Tara, but I knew about Willow. She was still my one of my best friends, deep down. And when I started looking, I noticed the difference inside of her from how she used to be. Magic had changed her, really changed her. Inside, my Willow had died. In her place, was a much darker and powerful being. She scared me. I know she was trying to quit, but she wasn't succeeding. I could sense she was on the edge between light magic and dark magic all the time. She could have snapped, lost control, and done something she would have regretted. Now, I saw some of my old Willow. She's not the same, she can't ever be, but she's still good.  
  
I wish I had noticed Willow before. I could have saved us both a lot of heartache. I was always looking at what I didn't have, and I missed the great girl who would have given anything to be with me. It's too late now, that bridge is burnt beyond repair. Things have never been the same since. I miss what we had. We've pushed each other away; we had too. It was painful, watching her with Oz, losing the connection we had. I couldn't even be her shoulder to cry on when Oz left. I resented that, and instead of helping her through his departure, I called her a whiny bitch to Anya. I was so stupid, how I survived this long I'll never know.  
  
Then, there was Buffy. I still didn't know what had happened last year, but she was different. She was alive, in the true sense of the word. There was a fire and spark that had been missing for a long time. It dimmed when Joyce died, but when Buffy came back from heaven it was gone forever. It was like having the sun extinguished. The one thing I had always believed in was Buffy. She would beat the bad guys, be cute and funny doing it, and her optimism would waver but never die. A part of me died when she came back so dark. Now, her heart was shinning so brightly, it was blinding. And I was the happiest blind man ever.  
  
About half-way through the movie, Dawn fell asleep. Buffy and I scooped her up and carried her to bed. I tried to ignore the pounding sound of the walls, but EWWWWWWWWW! Buffy just shook her head.  
  
When we returned to the couch we continued to watch the movie. Why? I have no earthly or hellmouthy idea. After a little while, Buffy grabbed my hand and began examining it.  
  
"Problem?" I joked.  
  
"No, just wondering what shade?"  
  
"What shade of what?" I asked, narrowing my eyes in a gesture of distress, and trying to pry my hand away. Damn slayer strength.  
  
"Nail polish will accentuate your eyes," she said in her best hair stylist voice.  
  
"You get your hands off me," I tried telling her. I tried to pull away, but that wasn't happening. Then she went for the kill, she tickled me. I fell back on the couch and tried to throw her off me. Have I mentioned how much I hate slayer strength yet?  
  
Before I knew what was happening, she was on top of me, pinning my arms down to the couch and moving around on top of me. She was trying to continue to tickle me and hold me at the same time. She was doing something to me, but tickling sure as hell wasn't it.  
  
"Buffy, stop please, I'm begging you," I pleaded.  
  
"Why?" she asked me cheerily.  
  
I thought for a moment. I decided to tell her. I mean what the hell. Worst thing could've happened was she slapped me and I'd make a wish that I hadn't said anything.  
  
"Because if you wriggle like that again, you're going to get close to me in a way I don't think you're interested in," I said.  
  
Buffy stared at me in shock for a moment. Can't say I blame her. Did I mention before that she was wearing a skirt? Yeah. At this point her skirt has hitched up around my legs and if she lowered herself a few more inches her underwear would be touching my jeans. Oh God Buffy's panties. Sorry, hot flash. Imagine an embarrassed throat clearing here.  
  
Okay, Buffy's moment of shock passed. Then it was my turn.  
  
"Really," she said in the most honey-laded, sensual, sexy voice I have ever heard. She moved left to right in the sexiest motion ever. Well, what can I say, I'm a man and this is Buffy, so at this point I have no blood anywhere besides my, umm, little slayer. You think you can come up with a better metaphor? That's what I thought.  
  
My, little slayer, jumped up and connected with Buffy's, umm, yeah, well you see, I'm not as good at the female anatomy but you get the picture. Did I mention she had on a pair of pink cotton panties. Oh dear Lord. Well, the connection was, electric. Buffy moaned, which made the little slayer stand at attention even more. There was a charge flowing between us like nothing I had ever experienced before. I think Buffy felt it too, because, well all the moaning seemed to be a good sign.  
  
But, Buffy snapped out of it after a second. She stared at me in horror before hoping off me. I'm positive I heard her moan in dismay at the loss of our connection though. Buffy's face looked a great deal like Willow's hair.  
  
"Sorry Xan. I guess I got a little carried away," she said, then ruffled my hair said a quick, "Night," and bolted up the steps.  
  
So, we almost dry hump, then I get a brotherly head rub and an ashamed Buffy scurries away. Well, I didn't really know if she was ashamed or not, but with my track record with Buffy and the whole scurrying thing, it seemed a logical conclusion.  
  
I think Zplrdublursd, pretty much sums it up.  
  
But, I learned something here. Life can change in an instant. It can also change in a year. It can be a huge earth shattering change. It can be a little hey I changed deodorant brands today change. It can be for the better or the worse. But most often, it's not the change that's important, it's how we deal.  
  
The problem is, when you can change change, the world becomes your oyster. Don't like the ship on a certain TV show, change it. Don't like how your boss treats you, change it. Almost dry hump your best friend, change it.  
  
Even though it was just a passing thought, I realized just how careful I was going to have to be. I could do a great world of good, and to waste a wish because you and your best friend were going to go through an awkward period would be irresponsible.  
  
That's when I understood the power I had. And the responsibility. I decided to wait on my next two wishes, see how things played out. No harm no foul, and I learned a valuable lesson. So, long story short, yeah, yeah too late.  
  
Back to me and my little slayer. I tried for about three minutes to figure out what had just happened between us. Like I said before, Zplrdublursd is all I could come up with. So, instead of dwelling on it further, I turned the TV off, grabbed a blanket and pillow and tried to sleep.  
  
Note the use of the verb tried. Every time I dozed off I had dreams. And we're talking THX, 3-D, Omni-max kind of dreams. I woke myself up screaming Buffy's name at least twice that I know of. God, I hope if the others heard me they thought I was having a nightmare and begging Buffy to save me. Cause, how do you explain that one to your father and sister figures?  
  
And you thought this chapter was going to end on a down note or a cliffhanger. Guess again.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	4. Default Chapter4

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
Dedication: Jonathan or White Werewolf to whom I owe a debt so great, it can never be repaid. So I am starting by dedicating this installment to him.  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Learning to be careful (4/?)  
  
  
  
The morning after. A term usually reserved for that awkward: oh my God who, or often in my case what, did I sleep with stage the morning after sex. Except, in my situation, the awkward morning after wasn't following wild, animal sex. At least as long as we're talking in terms of things that actually happened and not things that went on in my head. Cause once we move into the realm of things that happened in my head, Buffy and I know each other in a biblical sense, in fact I think we know each other better than anyone in the whole freaking bible. But alas, my morning after is following a close encounter of the clothed and friendship wrecking kind with Buffy.  
  
When I woke up at 5:30, for the fifth time since the "incident" I knew it was time to go. I grabbed my stuff and started towards the door. A good, cold (and I'm talking ice age type cold) shower would do me good. Do you think the damn powers that be could let that happen? OH NO! Because Xander Harris is the powers that be's BUTTMONKEY of fun.  
  
"Xander, where you going?" Dawn called from the stairs. Come on, you couldn't just let me get out the damn door.  
  
"I need a shower, clean clothes at home," I told her, turning to face the stairs. At least I've gotten better at thinking on my feet.  
  
"But, we were going to watch Saturday morning cartoons," she whined, not in a really annoying way but in a neglected little sister way. And it was true, I did promise to get up early with her. When she saw I was wavering she broke out the pouty lips. Not quite at Buffy's level, but getting closer all the time.  
  
"Does your boyfriend ever not cave to that?" I asked and tossed myself back down on the couch, despite the little voice screaming Danger, Danger Xander Harris.  
  
"Usually," Dawn smiled as she settled in next to me. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, damn Summers women and their lips.  
  
So, we watched Bugs and Daffy beat the living shit out of each other for a while. I never noticed that before, but cartoons are almost more violent than my life. Boy is that saying something. And, okay, see there's a new use for ice cream I would never have thought of.  
  
Joyce crept down the stairs, waving a quick hello before darting into the kitchen to start on breakfast. Well, at least I'd get a nice breakfast out of this mess. Yeah, go ahead and start laughing now, I did. Giles followed a few minutes later and joined Joyce in the kitchen. I think he had the tea on before he was even fully in the room.  
  
Then, as about 50 hunters were shooting Daffy Duck, Buffy glided down the stairs. I looked up at her, more out of habit than anything else, I mean it wasn't like I wanted to see the disgust I was sure would be clear in her eyes. She looked away, wouldn't even meet my eyes. Shame is a place I used to live. The place I'm in now uses shame as a four star resort.  
  
"Morning," she said generically and bolted to join Joyce and Giles in the kitchen. She returned in a microsecond. "Okay, so it's a living room morning," she sighed.  
  
Buffy sat in the chair farthest from the couch and stared at the ground.  
  
"You okay Buffy?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Fine," she said without looking up.  
  
"Hey, look at the time," I said. Yes, that might possibly be the smoothest line, I don't know, ever.  
  
"But Mom's making breakfast," Dawn said. "Stay and eat."  
  
"You know Dawn, if Xander wants to head out, it's fine," Buffy said to the floor. Dagger, heart, twist.  
  
"But Buffy," Dawn started to protest.  
  
"I'll stop by, take you out to lunch," I offered as a middle ground. Anything to get away and avoid this situation.  
  
"Okay," she said a mix of disappointment and excitement in her voice. I pick up on such subtleties now.  
  
I stood up, grabbed my bag of stuff and walked toward the door. I paused for a second next to Buffy's chair, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her. The overwhelming fear seemed to be the deciding factor. "I'll be back at noon Dawnie."  
  
"Okay, see you then," she said brightly and waved to me. I forced a smile back and walked out the door. I closed the it and leaned my back on it. You know the phrase the guilt is weighing me down, well I never understood the meaning until now. My guilt was a physical thing now and it was making me sick.  
  
It wasn't just about Buffy either. I mean, guilt about putting her and us in this position and jeopardizing our friendship, sure. Guilt about not being stronger or having more will power to keep the little slayer in check, of course. But, even more so, I felt guilty about Anya. In this dimension she may have left me a month or two ago, but in my reality, she had been my fiancée two days ago. I put the moves, horrible and unrequited moves, on Buffy one day after I found out about Anya leaving. What kind of a man am I? No wonder I can't have a lasting relationship with anyone. Now I don't have Anya and Buffy won't even look at me.  
  
I walked home in a near stupor. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings it was all a blur. The only I could think about was losing two women I loved in the span of two days. Only Xander Harris could manage that.  
  
I don't really remember getting home, showering, and then falling asleep. Apparently I did since I woke up in my room at 11:45 AM, clean but with bed head. Some break that was, I wander home and can't even remember it.  
  
Now, I get to wander back to the Summers house. Like I said, Power's that be's Buttmonkey of fun. I think they all got together and thought, how much hell could we put Xander Harris through before he snaps? One of these days they're going to hit my threshold. I feel there should be really cheesy horror movie music here, like (insert Dum, dun, dun music). If that ain't foreshadowing, I don't what is.  
  
But lots of stuff happens before I snap so let's talk about that, much more interesting.  
  
Okay, so I roll up to the Summers house coming out of my stupor a little bit. I'm thinking some now and realizing I can just grab Dawn and avoid the awkwardness until my guilt fades a little and I can apologize to Buffy. I knocked on the door. Some famous writer whose name Willow would know said something about the best laid plans of mice and men- or wait I know this give me a minute. Damnit where's Willow when you need her? Well you know what I'm trying to say? Me neither.  
  
Buffy opened the door. That was basically what I was trying to get across in that jumbled mess above. Hey, I'm deep, doesn't mean I'm brilliant, so cut me some slack.  
  
"Hey," she muttered. "Dawn's still in the shower."  
  
"Oh," I muttered back. I stood there looking at the floor, she stood inside, also looking at the floor. It was a real nice moment. Guess you just had to be there. I could tell myself a million times the awkwardness between us would pass, but while I was enduring it, I really wanted to blow my brains out.  
  
"Do you want to come in?" Buffy asked. The words came out like she was speaking with gravel in her mouth. And I should know. Let's just say Uncle Rory, Peppermint Snobs, and an episode of Double Dare when I was eight and leave it at that. Buttmonkey of fun, are we sensing a theme yet?  
  
"Sure," I told her and shuffled in as if I was hauling a fifty-pound boulder on my back. Oh, guilt, how I love thee, a better workout than Taebo.  
  
I nudged her as I passed through the doorway. Guilt or no guilt, I felt something electric in the touch. Damn body, always with the lust. She jumped away from me. Ah yes and let's not forget the shame. Guilt and shame, like PB&J.  
  
I plopped down in a chair and waited for Dawn. Why do teenage girls need so much time to get ready? Can someone please answer that question for me? Please, anybody? I didn't think so.  
  
"Xander," she sighed and sat down on the couch, still not looking at me.  
  
"Buffy," I responded in the same tone. She was going for the talk already? Hurry up Dawn.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Earth stopped rotating. Heart stopped beating. Lungs stopped breathing. Mind stopped functioning. After the thirty seconds it took me to recover I said to her, "You're sorry?"  
  
"I know it's not enough. But, I just got so carried away."  
  
"You got carried away?"  
  
"Damnit Xander, you know this isn't easy for me to admit, can't you just let me get through my apology then be all upset."  
  
"Upset?" I asked. Hearing my voice echo in my ears, I realized I was asking all my questions in a really strange voice. I hear shock can do that to people. "I mean, I'm not upset."  
  
She raised her eyebrows at me.  
  
"No I mean it. I was actually going to apologize to you," I said, feeling like the floodgates were open. "I felt guilty for not being able to keep myself in check."  
  
Buffy laughed a little, still feeling strange. "You're a guy, and I hope that I could still have that affect on one," she laughed in a self- deprecating way that I recognized from my own use.  
  
"Don't say that about yourself. Wait, you mean you're not mad?"  
  
"No, not at all. Are you?" She was just as confused as I was.  
  
"No," I told her. "Extremely confused, but not mad."  
  
Buffy sighed again. "It was just, hearing you tell me I was driving you to the edge, I wanted to feel like a woman again. So, in selfish Buffy fashion, I took advantage of the situation. I wanted to feel attractive and loved and you made me feel that way. Then I realized what I was doing."  
  
"You mean who," I said, a little more disappointed than I wanted to reveal.  
  
"No," she said really quickly. "It's just, I don't ever want to use you Xander. I don't want to push you away too. And I know how sensitive you are now and I don't want to mess with your head and."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere," I assured her. She smiled, suddenly self- conscious of her ramble.  
  
"Xan," she said after a moment. "Why did you think I'd be mad at you?"  
  
I sighed. "I guess I was just afraid of the same thing. I felt the same need to feel close to someone and the way you acted last night, I thought I repulsed you and took advantage of you." Wow, that was one of the few times I've ever been totally upfront with her and my emotions. Okay, so I left out the whole Anya part but the rest of that was true.  
  
"I never thought that, either of those things," she told me. She took my hand and we looked into each other's eyes. Understanding, relief, and compassion flowed between us.  
  
"Ready to go," Dawn bounded down the steps. I smiled at Buffy, who smiled genuinely back at me.  
  
"You bet Dawnster. Want to come Buff?" I asked.  
  
She shook her head. "Promised Giles I'd drop by the Magic Box and research on our fear demon some more. He and mom headed over there earlier. Stop by after if you want."  
  
"I'm supposed to meet the gang at the mall after lunch," Dawn interjected.  
  
"I can drop you off," I told her.  
  
"Cool," she smiled. We left the house.  
  
Somewhere during our conversation the boulder of guilt was lightened. I still felt bad about Anya, but I knew in my heart her leaving was for the best. Didn't make it all right for me to have gone that far with Buffy on the heels of all that, but it would pass and besides I was the only one who'd ever know anyhow.  
  
So, lightheartedness returns for Xander. Now, I know some of you may be thinking I got all worked up over nothing since Buff and I settled so quickly. Let me tell you, if you've never been in a position when you thought a friendship was lost, you don't know what those few short hours can be like. Especially when the other person is Buffy Summers. The minutes seem like hours, the hours go so slowly and still the sky is light. What, I like West Side Story and just cause I like West Side Story doesn't make me gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all. But I'm just sick of the stereotype that if you're a guy and you like a musical that makes you gay. NOT TRUE!  
  
Anyhow, back to the saga of Xander Harris. So, Dawn and I enjoy a nice and pleasant afternoon lunch. I take her to Applebees and drop her at the mall. I decided after that to take up Buffy's offer and swing by the Magic Box. I walked in to see Joyce waiting on a customer. Since when does Giles keep the store open on the weekends? Money must really be tight.  
  
I waved at her and she gestured to the back. I walked into the training room to find Buffy and Giles in the middle of what looked to be an in-depth meditation session. Neither noticed me so I left quickly, sensing my chance. I slipped quietly into the main floor and went over to Giles' desk. It was still there. WATCHER'S DIARY. I picked it up and slipped into the basement. Luckily for me, Joyce didn't notice or care about my disappearance.  
  
I pulled a chair out and sat down. I took a deep breath. Here we go, moment of truth. So why was I so damned scared? I knew the answer inside, I just didn't want to admit it. I was scared I'd find things really were worse here and I needed to fix them, put them back the way they were. That might explain why I started reading earlier entries, things I was sure would be the same.  
  
Giles writing was so funny. In the beginning it was all serious and professional. He said things like:  
  
Today Miss Summers and Mr. Harris saved Miss Rosenburg from the demon Moloch. Moloch was freed from his binding and existed inside what is known as the Internet. I was forced to call on Miss Jenny Calendar for assistance in rebinding the demon. According to Miss Summers and Mister Harris' account, the demon was then trapped in a robot body it had built for itself and Miss Summers proceeded to destroy it.  
  
I skipped ahead to an incident that happened the next year. Not one I'm particularly proud of, but it happened:  
  
I think Xander has a death wish. He had the young witch Amy cast a love spell today. It worked on every woman except the one he wanted, Cordellia. If it hadn't been so bloody dangerous, it would have been quite humorous. However, Amy transformed Buffy into a rat in a fit of jealousy. If anything had happened to her I would have killed the boy myself. I know he means well, but sometimes I wonder how much longer before he will go too far. Luckily for him, Amy and I were able to reverse both spells before any serious damage was done. I don't suppose Willow or myself will be talking to him anytime soon, but I think he learned his lesson. Of course, this is the boy who dated an Inca Mummy and Praying Mantis, so I doubt we've seen the last of his poor decisions. I often wonder how many other watchers had to endure the dangers of their slayer's and friends personal lives.  
  
Somewhere along the way poor Ole Giles just snapped and the sarcasm took over. Oh well, it makes for better writing.  
  
I was snapped from my fine reading by the shouting of, "Xander, what the bloody hell are you doing?" from the bottom of the stairwell. I think that's the British version of "Lucy, you got some 'splaning to do!"  
  
Gulp!  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	5. Default Chapter5

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Learning to be careful (5/?)  
  
  
  
"Xander, what the bloody hell are you doing?" Giles called from the steps. You could almost call it a bellow, but well Giles and bellowing just don't seem to fit.  
  
"Hey Big G," I tried to offset the tension and hide the diary.  
  
"Why are you down here?"  
  
"You know me, I like the quiet," I replied.  
  
Giles began polishing his glasses and went over to grab something. "I understand you're going through a tough time, but cutting yourself off from the people you love isn't going to help."  
  
I was overcome by emotion. I don't mean that in a sappy way, but I realized this was my chance to tell him what I never had before.  
  
"Giles, thank you for being in my life. You mean a lot to me," I said, with as much serious as I had in me.  
  
He spun around and looked at me. "Dear Lord, are you dying? Or am I?"  
  
"Huh?" I asked.  
  
"You have never once said anything to me in that manner, so I worry when you do. Quite natural actually," he replied.  
  
I had to smile. "No, we're not dying. Just realizing how lucky I am, things could be a lot different and I don't want to take that for granted anymore."  
  
"What is this all about, " he demanded. Giles may not bellow, but he can demand.  
  
"I told you, I'm just putting things in perspective." I was getting a little nervous. Giles was far too interested in my motives.  
  
"Xander, is that my diary?" he asked, pointing to the book sticking out of my back pocket. Okay, I panicked a little and that was the best hiding spot I could come up with.  
  
"Well, you see what had happened," I stammered.  
  
"Oh bloody hell," he sighed. Did I mention at this point I started to subconsciously hide my lamp, in essence drawing more attention to it. Smooth don't you think?  
  
"Oh bloody hell what?" I said. That just pissed him off more. Whoops.  
  
"Don't 'oh bloody hell what' me Xander! I was trained as a watcher for twenty years, I know an Arabian wish lamp when I see one!"  
  
"Oh." All my witty repartee and oh is the best thing I can come up with. Sheesh.  
  
"You made a wish and stole my diary to see what you altered. That would explain your strange- er- behavior of the last few days."  
  
At this point I was wondering if breaking into tears would have the same affect on Giles as it did on Buffy.  
  
"Umm," I ummed.  
  
"Damnit Xander," he cleaned his glasses. "I would have thought you, of all people, would know better than this." The disappointment in his voice was evident. I would make a joke about my using the word evident but I feel I might be beating a dead horse. Wait, what's that, there's no such thing as a dead horse in Sunnydale?  
  
"But Giles," I started.  
  
"I don't want to hear it," he cut me off. "How many wishes have you made?"  
  
"One," I replied.  
  
That seemed to surprise Giles. "Only one?"  
  
"I put a lot of thought into this. I've changed. I became thoughtful," he looked at me funny. "I did. It maybe hard to believe but Xander Harris can think."  
  
"I didn't mean that," he replied.  
  
I sighed. "I watched everyone around me and made a wish to change things. And for the most part everything is better," I shrugged, "I just wanted to make sure," I said pulling out his diary.  
  
Giles shook his head and sighed. "Xander, I know you meant well. But, changing the world with a wish is dangerous business. You need to undo it."  
  
I took a step back from Giles and clutched the lamp protectively. "I won't. You don't understand."  
  
"Xander, I know that you think things are better, but wishes almost always do more harm than good."  
  
"Not this one."  
  
"Xander," he started.  
  
"Let me ask you Giles," I interjected. "Did Buffy die, a second time I mean?"  
  
He looked at me for a moment. "No," he said slowly.  
  
"Then I have a story to tell you," I settled into my seat.  
  
"No," he said firmly. "I don't want to know. No matter how bad things are they have to go back," he said in his Britishy resolve voice. Never worked on Buffy, wasn't about to work on me.  
  
"Buffy and Spike are sleeping together," I blurted out. He looked stunned. So, I went ahead and laid everything out for him. I left out Joyce's death because I knew Giles would disregard any major personal gains and assume it wasn't meant to be. It took me about an hour to finish the story for him, but I did. It felt good, having someone to share this secret with and have a confidante to help me make my next wish. If he went for it that is. When I was finished Giles began polishing his glasses like crazy.  
  
"You say Buffy is?" he wouldn't finish.  
  
"Did, we brought her back," I corrected.  
  
"And she and Spike?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"And Willow, addicted?" More polishing.  
  
Another nod.  
  
"Dawn iiis st," he stuttered.  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Back in England?"  
  
Nod.  
  
"A-a-nd," he paused, "with Spike?" he asked again, his brow furrowing up.  
  
"Couldn't make this up if I tried."  
  
There was a long lull before, "What about yourself?" Giles asked, trying to regain a shred of composure. It was really almost funny to see the G-man lose it like that, except it managed to be quite terrifying at the same bloody time. Oh my God, did I just write the word bloody? Damn British man, will somebody shoot me. Please.  
  
I decided to tell Giles the truth, so he'd believe I wasn't wishing selfishly. "I proposed to Anya last summer. We were engaged to be married."  
  
"Xander," he said with as much compassion as his frizzled brain could come up with.  
  
"No, it's okay. I miss her, but it's for the best. I would have lost her anyway, I mean me, married? I guess I wish I'd gotten some closure is all."  
  
"So, if what you say is true, how has the world not come to a violent end?" Giles said with a great deal of sarcasm. Good, he was recovering.  
  
"Because we're up against the trio of terror lead by Warren and Jonathan. Not really big on the success rate."  
  
Giles chuckled. "No, I wouldn't imagine so."  
  
I turned serious. "Giles, this place is so much nicer than my world. Everything has worked out for the better. But I don't know how and I need to Giles."  
  
"What was your wish?"  
  
Long pause. "I can't," I said finally. I didn't want him to think he was supposed to be without Joyce, it wouldn't be right.  
  
"Something else happened you aren't telling me," he said. It wasn't a question. Man I hate when people state things that should be questions, it always has that ominous moment of doom thing going on.  
  
"You're right. But I have my reasons."  
  
He looked at me for a long time. I felt like a little boy whose father was trying to decide what, if any, punishment was necessary. Not that I knew from experience mind you. My dad was more of a hit first and don't bother with the questions later kind of guy. But, I've seen this stuff on TV and this was definitely one of those moments.  
  
"All right," he said finally. I exhaled. See, now he hugs me and tells me good job Beaver, just like on TV. Not quite. "I want you to tell me, because when we're done, I'm going to have you erase this conversation from my memory."  
  
"Huh?" Giles hit me with the left cross when I was looking for the roundhouse kick.  
  
He smiled at me in a way that I would have literally killed to see from my own father. Pride wasn't quite strong enough. It filled me with a joy I had never really experienced before. Okay, so I got a little sappy. Stake me.  
  
"Xander, you've done a fine job wishing. If your world is anything as you describe, and I have no reason to doubt that it is, this world is a thousandfold more pleasant. But I can't know. It's better this way."  
  
"Why?" I asked.  
  
"Honestly, I don't know if I can go back to looking at everyone the same knowing what I know. I'm surprised you can. You really have grown. I'm quite impressed."  
  
"Thank you. That means the world coming from you. Or at least England," I smiled at him. I knew he wasn't going to take my news particularly well. So, I decided to go for it all and screw the repercussions. Basically I let the old Xander come out to play.  
  
"Joyce died."  
  
Long silence. "How?"  
  
"The brain tumor got her," I said sadly.  
  
"Brain tumor?" He was in a haze.  
  
"You know, she went to the hospital, had to have surgery. She died of an aneurysm later. And I wished she never died. I just wanted to soften Buffy's blow when she came back, I had no idea what else would happen."  
  
"Xander," Giles said quietly. "Joyce was never sick."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Joyce, never got sick. She's been as healthy as possible for a long time now."  
  
There was a long pause between us. He went on. "That's the danger with wishing; though, in this case, it was a blessing. You wished she never died. The wish did so by making it so she was never sick."  
  
"Oh. So, how did her never being sick change so much? What happened here?"  
  
"Well," he was getting the lecture look on his face. And the usual fear and desire to zone out failed to register with me. A terrible thought hit me: Oh dear lord, I'm maturing. "We still had to deal with Glory. She came after Buffy, looking for the key. Luckily, she was unable to get much information on it. Once we figured out who the key was, we protected Dawn. Eventually Glory began to come after Buffy, thinking she must know what the key was. She even went as far as to try and get the information from Spike after she saw him with the," he paused at the disgustingness of the thought, "Buffybot. Fortunately, you and Buffy were there confronting him and were able to stop her minions from capturing him and revealing our secrets. We made Spike take us to see his sources, one was a demon called Doc. He turned out to be worshiping Glory, but we were still able to get what we needed from him.  
  
"After that we had to tell Joyce the truth, and she suggested we leave Sunnydale for a while, at least until after the ritual. We did. By the time Glory found us, it was too late. Though, the knights did manage to slow things down for us."  
  
"But, in the original history Buffy wasn't with me when Spike gets captured, and Glory knew the key was a person. How did Joyce's life change that?"  
  
"Where was Buffy when you were attacked at Spike's crypt?"  
  
"On," big old duh hits me here, "retreat with you to deal with her slayer powers and get over her mom's death. Which she wouldn't have done if she never died."  
  
"And Spike, did he betray us? He must not have if Buffy is, dear lord I can't even say it."  
  
"No, he didn't. And don't worry it took me a long time to admit it myself," I sighed.  
  
"Still, Glory's knowledge of the key in the original world is strange. What would have changed that?"  
  
Then, it hit me. "Ben."  
  
"What?" Giles asked.  
  
"Ben," I repeated. "Ben is Glory. Ben found out about Dawn being the key, so Glory knew the key was human. Eventually, she hunted us down and figured out it was Dawn. But she didn't get her until Dawn called Ben at the hospital when we were holed up in the gas station."  
  
"And Ben would never have met Dawn if Joyce hadn't been sick at the hospital," Giles finished for me.  
  
"Exactly." A new thought hit me. "Spike never proved he was trustworthy. That's why he's on the outside here. He never got a chance to make up for the whole Buffybot incident."  
  
"Of course. After that, we never fully trusted him again. Rightfully so it appears," Giles confirmed. Now it was Giles turn to get a thought. "Is that what your confrontations with Spike have been about, does he remember the other world?"  
  
I nodded slowly.  
  
Giles began to chuckle. "Xander, might I make a suggestion. When wishing yourself into alternate realities, a good rule of thumb is to stake Spike on sight."  
  
The seriousness of everything we'd discussed was broken by his biting sarcasm. I was rolling on the floor, literally, with laughter. Wiping a tear from my eye I laughed out, "I'll have to remember that."  
  
I recovered and I asked Giles a question that had been on my mind since my encounter with Spike at the apartment. "Why does he remember? He told me it was because he's a vampire. But remember when Jonathan did his augmentation spell it affected Spike too."  
  
Giles eye lit up. "Actually there are quite a lot of interesting theories about alternate realities," he paused and his face fell. "But I don't suppose you're interested in hearing a long lecture."  
  
This was going to floor him. I just hoped he wasn't going to have a heart attack. I didn't want to waste a wish on reviving him.  
  
"Remember the whole maturing thing I was telling you about. This is another aspect. I'm really interested in learning whatever I can. I need to be careful with my wishes and if I know the boundaries I can be better prepared."  
  
I thought I'd seen Giles as shocked as he got, but I don't think he was truly prepared for that answer from me.  
  
"Giles, do I need to bust out the CPR? It's a little rusty but I think I can manage."  
  
"What, ah no that should be quite all right. I wasn't, well, I wasn't expecting you to respond that way."  
  
"I'm full of fun surprises these days."  
  
"That you are."  
  
For the next hour and a half, Giles told me some really intriguing theories on demons and alternate realities. Apparently, if the wisher alters themselves or their perception of the world, the spell affects demons, such as in Jonathan's spell. If the wish changes the world around the wisher but not the wisher themselves it is harder to keep ties to the previous reality. Therefore demons aren't affected because of the strain of maintaining a link to the previous reality, the spell basically deems those without a soul unworthy of its efforts. That was why Spike could remember Ben was Glory. Fitting he was unworthy of a spell's efforts. As for Anya's spell, the one were she created the alternate dimension with Vampire Willow, since her power source was destroyed it was as if she had never cast the spell. This actually explained a lot of things.  
  
When we finished talking Giles and I had, dare I say it, really bonded. It was depressing to know he'd have no memory of out talk and would go back to thinking I was just goofy ball screwy Xander. Goofy ball screwy, what the hell is that. I meant to write screwy goofball and I get goofy ball screwy, I'm telling you, powers that be's Buttmonkey of fun.  
  
Anyway, I tried not to be really obvious about it, but he could tell.  
  
"Xander, I know this may be hard for you, but I will always be here for you."  
  
"I know," I sighed. "I just want you to remember that I'm not screw- up Xander any more. But I don't want you to have to remember everything I've told you, it's horrible. Sometimes, I don't know how I manage it."  
  
Giles smiled at me and we headed upstairs. I'd cast the spell on him later that night. I had come to a couple decisions as well, and Giles actually concurred. Concurred, that's a fun word to say and write. Concurred. Sorry, I need to channel the goofy ball screwyness that is still within me.  
  
First decision was to save the wishes. Wait for a real emergency to come up in the new world before using them. No wealth for Xander. Oh well.  
  
Second, I was going to follow Buffy tonight. Spike was out of the picture for backup and she might need help. With my arabitca wish lamp or whatever he called it, if anything happened to her I could fix it, which alleviated my fears and would therefore not feed the demon. Ha, Willow on her best day couldn't come up with a plan so foolproof. Which is good, cause we all I know I can be a fool sometimes. And Willow couldn't come up with foolproof plans because she always planned for people who had brains. Sometimes I wonder why she thought so highly of me back in the day.  
  
I enjoy the self-deprecating humor, it's fun and always accessible.  
  
We ascended the stairs and received glares from the Summers women.  
  
"What were you two doing down there?" Joyce asked.  
  
"Ah," Giles managed. Why is it that between us we have a lot of wit and sarcasm, but oh and ah are the best we can come up with in a time of crisis?  
  
"Talking," I said calmly. This is me attempting to advance past that stage.  
  
"You. And Giles?" Buffy questioned.  
  
"Yes. Me. And Giles," I answered, mimicking her voice inflection.  
  
"Don't get snippy," she said lightheartedly. "Just, I'm supposed to be training and researching and why am I not thanking you?" She was grinning freely now.  
  
"Don't be stealing my man too often Xander," Joyce teased.  
  
Giles eyes popped out. "Oh, ah Xander, some things I forgot to mention."  
  
I stuck a hand out. "Relax. I put two and two together, for the most part."  
  
"Okay, what the hell are you guys talking about, and since when do you speak your own language?" Buffy questioned.  
  
"Giles was just helping me let go. I think I'm ready to move on." Ha, stage cleared. That was much cleverer than oh and ah.  
  
While I was internally gloating, I caught sight of him. Standing in the window, staring at us. Spike. He looked none too pleased either. Good. Have I mentioned I'm not a big Spike fan these days? He caught my eyes and left swiftly. I'll tell you what, I'd love to swiftly kick him in the ass.  
  
"Well, fear demony guy awaits, yes. Big weapons and no fear the basic plan?" Buffy asked Giles.  
  
Giles noticed my body language and knew something was up. "What, ah yes," he replied distractedly.  
  
"Rupert, are you all right," Joyce asked gently.  
  
That snapped him out of it. "What? Oh yes, fine thank you. Just, appreciating how lucky I am," he said, mirroring my earlier words. "Buffy," he said as she headed out the door. "Do be careful."  
  
"As long as everyone is safe and sound, I have no fear and I'll be fine."  
  
With that she left the store. I watched her. I knew Spike would catch up to her soon, so I said a quick goodbye to Joyce and exchanged a glance with Giles. I hurried after them. I wanted a front row seat for Spike's grand staking.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	6. Default Chapter6

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Learning to be careful (6/?)  
  
  
  
You know, as much as I hate Angel, I have to say I envy his stalking abilities. Laugh, come on I know you want to. Just thinking that made me want to wash my mind out with soap. But I can't help the fact the guy was Batman in a past lifetime.  
  
I ran out of the Magic Box and stumbled to catch Buffy. Stumbled being the operative word here. I should have wished for some Goddamned coordination. I tripped, this is so embarrassing, over my own two feet. Laugh-again. I picked myself up off the ground and began stalking in the general direction I'd see Buffy go in.  
  
Stalking here is also a subjective definition. See, what I was going for was silent and stealthy. What I got was more of a combination of slow and loud. Damn twigs everywhere. There really needs to be a city organization that comes and cleans them up. Only thing they're good for is making noise when you're trying to be quiet.  
  
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending upon your point of view, I was too far away from Buffy for her to hear my not so stealth entrance. However, this allowed Spike, who probably picked a thing or two up from Deadboy over the years, to sneak out at Buffy. Well, now I figure she's going to be too distracted with the whole staking of Spike to notice me. So, I ran over as fast as I could, thanking whatever deity I could think of that I didn't draw attention to myself, or fall. They were in the park right by the woods, so I stayed hidden in the trees.  
  
"I thought I told you to get out of town," I heard Buffy say to Spike when I was close enough to hear them.  
  
"Yeah, well I don't take real well to orders love," he said calmly, taking a long drag on his cigarette. I tell you what, he calls her love again I'm going to shove that cigarette up his, uh, gluteus oh the hell with it, it's going up his ass.  
  
"How do you take to sharp pointy things in your chest?" she challenged.  
  
"Bring it on pet," he said confidently.  
  
"Are you really this stupid? Or has that hair dye seeped into your brain?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"You love me slayer, you won't be able to kill me."  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you Spike?" Buffy shouted. "What in the universe makes you think I love you?"  
  
"We shagged slayer, I'm inside of you now."  
  
Oh, there are not words to describe how pissed Buffy was. I could try, but I've never seen her that angry. Not when we fought about Angel. Not when she and Faith faced off. Not when she and Giles argued about sacrificing Dawn to save us all. Not when I confronted her about Riley. Not ever.  
  
"I would never, ever, even if hell froze over thawed out then froze again, touch you with anything other than a stake."  
  
She leapt at him, stake first. He moved out of the way and hit her in the nose with the palm of his hand. Both he and Buffy recoiled in pain.  
  
"Bloody hell," he swore. Then he stood there for a second, staring at Buffy. "You never died." Give the vampire a prize.  
  
Buffy went from super pissed, to incredibly indignant. Hey the Xand- man picking up on emotional changes, I want a cookie. "No kidding. What the hell are you trying to pull Spike?"  
  
Spike looked like a lost puppy dog. I would love to have him put to sleep. Sorry animal lovers, it's not a dog thing, it's a Spike thing. If you had one, you'd understand. Vampires: not cute, nor cuddly.  
  
"Xander, he did something to alter this reality. In my reality you died and they brought you back, they ripped," but before he got a chance to finish his statement, my big old friend Mr. Fear Demon jumped out of the woods.  
  
"Later," she glared at Spike and swung around to face off with the demon.  
  
This demon was ugly.  
  
Audience: HOW UGLY WAS HE?  
  
He was so ugly that when the demons got in line to get beaten with the ugly stick, he went back for seconds. (Drum roll here.)  
  
Ugly fear demon did do a good thing, he flung Spike in the air a great distance. I know I've said the thing about being the Power's that be's buttmonkey of fun, but this is the cruelest joke they've ever played. Spike landed about three feet from me.  
  
"Hi there Spike," I said coldly. Oh my, was he in perfect position for some stakeage or what.  
  
"Harris. Figures, spying on the pretty lady again?" he asked, slowly getting up to dust himself off.  
  
"No Spike, I think that's what you're up to."  
  
"She's going to find out the truth, they all will," he challenged. I casually walked over, grabbed him by the collar and pulled him fully to his feet.  
  
"You just can't stand the fact that, if she hadn't died and then been traumatized, she would never go near you. I'm here to make sure things are staying that way. You're taking a trip out of Sunnydale Spike. Permanently."  
  
Wasn't that a great speech? It was something straight out of a comic book or movie. And this time no mailbox was going to spoil my victory or my monologue. I was going to stake Spike and be damn cool doing it. At least, that had been the plan.  
  
"Aaah," Buffy cried out. My head spun around to face her. Without my permission might I add, it seems to have had a mind of it's own. Get it, my head has a mind of it's own, oh never mind. I turned just in time to see the fear demon fling Buffy up against a tree. She slumped slightly against it and didn't move quickly enough to stop the demon's next blow, a backhanded slap to her face that sent her reeling.  
  
"We'll finish this later Spike," I said without giving him a look. I tossed him to the ground and sprinted towards them. You know, having no fear can really be an asset. I grabbed Buffy's discarded sword on the way over. I guess somewhere along the way I decided I was teenage ninja Xander. I know, not my best work but hey damsel in distress over here, give me a break.  
  
The demon was towering over Buffy by the time I reached them.  
  
"Well, well, the slayer. And what does she fear most," he breathed the air around her, almost as if he was smelling her fear. Might I say, a mighty big ewww followed that thought. "Death. A slayer with so much to live for is afraid of death. Afraid of letting her friends down, letting them die. I promise you this slayer, after I kill you, I will hunt and kill them one by one and you will be powerless to stop me."  
  
"No, you won't," Buffy said, despite being almost paralyzed by fear.  
  
"Why is that?" he taunted, clearly seeing it was a veiled threat on her part.  
  
"Because you forgot to count on the fact that her friends are going to put you in the ground before you get to your grand plans of mass murder," I said calmly, inserting the sword with as much force as I could into the demon's neck.  
  
He twisted and contorted around to see his attacker. Me, smiling and waving in his face.  
  
"This is not…oooveeeerrrrgh," he grumbled before going up in smoke. Boy, there was no part of that entire sequence with Spike and the demons that wasn't fun.  
  
I offered a hand to the still shaky Buffy and helped pull her to her feet.  
  
"Thanks," she said, exhaling a deep breath.  
  
"No problem."  
  
"I thought I told you and the others to stay inside tonight?"  
  
I shrugged. "You did. I didn't. Wouldn't be the first time. Won't be the last time."  
  
"How come when I'm about to die, you're always there to save me?" she asked, her deep green eyes doing their best to keep the tears back.  
  
"You know me, haven't missed a Buffy death yet," I smiled back. That joke was incredibly funny to me, but when I thought about it I realized it wouldn't be as funny to her, seeing as how she's only died ONCE now. But, she smiled and laughed, too dazed to really notice. I think I like the universe where that joke's not as funny anyway.  
  
She slipped her arms around me and hugged me. I could feel her crying on my shoulder, but I said nothing. I simply held her. Even though she was obviously in pain and hurt, I couldn't stop myself from selfishly feeling happier than I had in a long time. Buffy could feel again, and it was crystal clear now. Life flowed so powerfully through her. I just wanted to bask in her glow. Buffy was back. Yeah, I know just give me the award for sappiest male performance and be done with your eternal mocking.  
  
"I'm sorry," she sniffled after a while, pulling away from me. "He really played on my fears, and once he had me pinned, it was overwhelming."  
  
"I know that feeling," I smiled at her, remembering the nights I'd wake up in a cold sweat over my wedding fears. Anya deserves someone who doesn't wake up with night sweats over the thought of spending the rest of their life with her.  
  
"Thanks," she said again, then wiped her eyes on her sleeve and turned back towards home. I followed next to her. The white knight strikes again, boo ya!  
  
We walked in comfortable silence for a while. You know, I never used to be one for comfortable silence with friends. When with friends, talk to them, it's what friends are for. Sappy? Maybe. But it's part of what makes life worth living, friends. But, when your friends stop being your friends, you kind of learn to live with the comfortable silence. I could have done the snoopy dance when Buffy broke that comfortable silence.  
  
"Xander?" she asked.  
  
"What's up Buffster?"  
  
There was long pause while she gathered her thoughts, but she finally spoke.  
  
"Are you planning on leaving Sunnydale sometime? I mean anytime soon. Cause I understand the desire and why you would. I would miss you, a lot, but I know why you would, I mean who doesn't right? I'd even be supportive and all," she rambled.  
  
"Buffy," I said softly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Why would you even think that?" Buffy, afraid I was going to leave her? God I missed this feeling with her, feeling like I had a roll and place in her life. The time when there wasn't such a thing as a comfortable silence between us.  
  
Buffy cast her eyes to the street. "Well, the fear demon said all my closest friends are going to abandon me or die because they stayed with me. And, he's right."  
  
I grabbed her head gently and titled it upwards. I looked her straight in the eyes. "No, he's not," I told her. But, she was right. In the old world, everyone she had ever loved had left her or died. Even me. I left her in my heart and mind. Abandoned her when she needed my love the most. So had Giles. We all had. We turned a blind eye to her. But I had learned. Never again, I vowed.  
  
"Buffy listen to me," I took a deep look into her eyes. I didn't see a slayer. I saw Buffy, scared and feeling incredibly alone. "No one is going anywhere. Not Willow, not Tara, not Dawn and no chance in the world of me. And Giles is attached to your Mom at the hip, so he's not going anywhere, and boy did that take me to a scary visual place," I finished. Buffy smiled and started to laugh.  
  
"No kidding. And Xander," she smiled at me and it was a smile not just at me, but for me, "that means a lot to me, what you said, you're staying here. I get so lonely sometimes. I know I should have men lining up around the corner to date me, but I don't want anyone else to be dragged into my world."  
  
"You're never alone. I'm always here for you," I whispered. My palms started to sweat. My throat got dry. Okay, intense much. I was just trying to cheer her up. You know a little bit of the old Xander pep talk. Yet, somehow it was becoming more than that for me.  
  
"I'm home," Buffy said to me. I thought she was talking directly into me. Like I was this place she'd been looking for and finally found. I swallowed, hard. And Xander Harris picks up his second award of the night as person most likely to be setting themselves up for a fall.  
  
"Buffy," I said, at an utter loss for words.  
  
"Buffy," a voice I recognized called from the porch. It took me a moment to process it: Giles. I snapped from my thoughts of Buffy to reality. She was home, not in the I've found my heart's home in Xander way, but in the this is my address here's my house way. Apparently we had been walking the entire time, I had just been too wrapped up to notice it.  
  
I feel I should give an acceptance speech here. It takes a lot not only to be sappy, but to continue to set yourself up for a fall. It takes a lot of balance. I'd like to thank my inspiration in all of this, Buffy, as well as my publicist.  
  
"I trust everything went a-all right?" Giles asked.  
  
Buffy broke our eye contact and smiled at Giles, "Thanks to Xander. Fear demon had me cornered and Xander came to the rescue," she squeezed my arm gently, sending tingles through my spine. Oh that can't be good. "I ran into Spike too. He's freaking me out. Hey," she turned back to me, "whatever happened to him?"  
  
"He scrambled into the woods," I said, trying as hard as possible to hide my disappointment at setting myself up for this fall. Come on, I haven't had fuzzy feelings for Buffy in a couple years. So why the hell did I want her to build a damn condo in my heart?  
  
"Will, ah, the d-demon be r-reappearing?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "I think a return appearance isn't out of the question."  
  
"Well, come in, both of you, and we'll sort things out," Giles offered.  
  
"I've had enough excitement for one night," I said, sighing deeply. Damn, traitorous heart, why does it always beat for her. Always. No matter who or what else I cram in there like those little sardines in the cans you see in the store, she comes along and pushes everything out of the way like a crazed shopper looking for the last can of, well something more scare and in demand than sardines.  
  
Buffy looked sadly at me, but nodded. "Going to try the apartment again?"  
  
I could only nod. Nope, not happening. After all this time she can still take my breath away. Damn it! No, I refuse to let this happen. I refuse. I'm not falling for Buffy Summers. Nope, not happening. The hellmouth would have to do something, well somthing hellmouthy to get me to even entertain that thought. Nope, not happening. And yes, I am trying to set the world record for saying, Nope, not happening the most times in a single paragraph. I figure something good ought to come from this.  
  
She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. Okay, it may just have been where my mind was at that instant, but there were sparks. I felt definite sparkage.  
  
"Night Xand," she whispered. "Thanks again, for everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."  
  
And then she has to go and say something incredibly sweet like that. She may have only been telling her "brother figure" that, but the portion of my brain that contemplates things like that had it's blood flow redirected to the, ah, well elsewhere. Where the hell is the eject button when you need it. Okay, that sentence just sounded dirty, let us strike it from the record and never speak of it again.  
  
I watched as she went past Giles into the house. I couldn't help staring at her. Nope, not happening.  
  
"Xander, tomorrow, at the Magic Box early. For the spell," he added after I failed to say anything.  
  
"Huh? Sure, whatever, catch you tomorrow G-iles." And yes, there was a reason I wrote it G- iles. I was starting to call him G-man, but it came out G- iles. I hope you get it, because that's the best I can do to describe it. What can I say, I had Buffy on the brain. And: Nope, not happening.  
  
"Are you all right Xander?"  
  
"I will be. I've learned to deal with it," I sighed and waved goodnight to him. That sentence was the embodiment of my high school years. Why now? Why again? Why couldn't things ever be the other way around? Why can't she lust after me for a change?  
  
Nope, not happening.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	7. Default Chapter7

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Learning to be careful (7/?)  
  
  
  
After my almost moment with Buffy, I was numb for the rest of the night. I get numb a lot in this world, and it's always over Buffy. I was lost in thought and self-beratement. In fact, so lost in thought was I that I didn't even notice self-beratement, not so much a word. I walked home, barely got the door open, and then dropped my coat on the floor. Ever wonder how come in Sunnydale, California we hardly ever wear shorts and almost always have coats? I mean it is California it's supposed to be warm once in a while.  
  
When I finally wrangled up enough energy to drag myself into the bedroom, I was overwhelmed with guilt, again. Granted, I knew it was for the best that Anya was gone, but that didn't make me feel any less guilty over nearly dry-humping and then falling in love with Buffy again in the whole three day span I've been in this dimension.  
  
I wish I had a better explanation, like some empathic connection or borrowed feelings from other Xander inside my head, but unfortunately it's just me up here. Me coming to the harsh realization that I never really got over Buffy. I mean it would probably have been clear to me if I had spent any time at all with her the past two years. But I wrapped myself in Anya, at first it was a wrapping out of lust but eventually I wrapped out of love. And Buffy, well she had the whole Glory thing, her mom dying and Dawn being the key to deal with. Then when she came back, she and Spike got all horizontal and that was that.  
  
So, I sat in bed for a while, trying to shake Buffy from my mind. Yeah, it was about as successful as it sounds. Eventually, I fell into a restless sleep. I woke up from a nightmare I couldn't remember at about 4 AM. Nightmares are funny. They terrify us to our very depths but they come from within us. Does that mean Kennedy was right and we have nothing to fear but fear itself? Years of living on a hellmouth tell me that saying is pure crap. And close your mouth, it's not like I was completely brain dead in school. I paid attention once in a while, I just never told anyone. What, I had appearances to keep up.  
  
I paced around the apartment for another hour, trying to figure out what to do about my fun new obsession. I mean it's not like I haven't been here before, right? Right. So then why the hell is this so damn hard? I should be used to these feelings by now. Oh yeah, I'm available and so is she. The last time we were in this position was the beginning of her freshman year, and I mean who wants to follow Angel. She has that stupid tragic love syndrome working for her.  
  
Not the point, I know. Anyway, so now I've got warm fuzzy feelings for Buffy again, and we're both single. Like it's going to do me any good. I'm goofy Xander, who rushes in at the right time, says exactly what she needs to hear, builds her self-respect back up after some fool breaks her heart just to have her chase after the next fool. Did that come off bitter, cause I'm really not bitter. Well, okay, but I'm not THAT bitter. Shut up in the peanut gallery I didn't ask your opinion. Oh, that's right. Well I'm sorry I did.  
  
By 5:00 I was actually talking to myself. Out loud. I was getting so desperate I almost rubbed the lamp to have big grumpy genie come out just so I could be talking to someone. That's when I took off, hoping this was what Giles had in mind when he said early.  
  
Luckily, it was. He was in the Magic Box, holding a cup of tea, big shocker there.  
  
"Xander, good. After last night I was getting worried about you," Giles said as soon as I walked in the shop.  
  
"Just a rough night, that's all," I tried to play down my conflicted heart. I was thinking of telling him about my feelings for everyone's favorite slayer, but I decided against it. At least not until after the spell. Gils was beginning to see me as a son, and he already had the whole father/daughter connection with Buffy. And who in their right minds tells their son to go after their daughter? And hillbillies don't count,  
  
"Well, I have set up for the spell. All you'll have to do is recite a few incantations, and that should be, ah, that."  
  
"Okay," I said quietly. "Wait, a second. Everything is already set up, good God man, what time did you get up?"  
  
"I've only been up since 4," Giles said, a bit defensively. "Of course this from the man who routinely sleeps past eleven in the afternoon."  
  
"At least I'm not getting up in the middle of the night to sneak back to," and I stopped. "Sorry."  
  
Giles appeared a bit flustered, and began polishing his glasses. If he kept up at this rate he was going to polish himself right through the floor and all the way into China. At least, that's what dad said when he gave me that shovel to dig in the backyard with. Of course, I think he actually believed it and was hoping I would be abducted by the country with 6 million people per square centimeter. I'm sure I'd have fit right in.  
  
"Sorry. It's been a really long night and I snapped," I apologized. Hope that remark gets erased from his memory.  
  
"I," he started, "I'm that obvious aren't I?" he asked dejectedly.  
  
"Giles, you know how obvious I was about being in love with Buffy back in the day," I said.  
  
"Oh dear God, it's that bad?"  
  
"Afraid so."  
  
"Perhaps I should have a talk with the girls, e-e-explain," he puttered.  
  
"Explain what Giles, the birds and bees?" I shot back.  
  
"Touché," he conceded. "What do you suggest?" he asked inquisitively. Inquisitively is also a fun word to write. Inquisitively. In fact, before I'm done with this story I'm going to use the phrase, inquisitively concurred. Huh? I don't know how, that's why it's a challenge. Yes, I am aware I just used it in a sentence. Wait, no, but that wasn't what I had in mind. Oh just shut up.  
  
"Just stop sneaking back and forth. Be honest, but not too honest," I hastened to add. Oh, even better, hastened to inquisitively concur. So what if I have too much time on my hands?  
  
"I shall try to remember that. Or, more likely, I'll wish you to remind me of it after the spell," he said.  
  
"Speaking of which," I gestured to where Giles had placed the spell type materials  
  
"Yes, of course."  
  
We went to do the spell. Okay, I'm going to make a really, really long story, really short. Two hours and more British curse words than I care to count later, Giles still remembered everything I'd told him and we'd managed to catch a rug on fire. Don't ask.  
  
"Bloody hell," Giles said and threw his arms in the air after the tenth attempt at the spell. "I give the whole thing up."  
  
"Boy, with that attitude it's no wonder we won the Revolutionary War," I tossed at the disgruntled watcher.  
  
"If I had more energy I would have a biting retort for that," Giles responded. You can always count on Giles.  
  
The bell chimed and a, "Hey guys," was uttered. Hastened to utter inquisitively and concur, what do you think of that? Okay, that one's not as clever, but give me time. Give me time.  
  
"Hey Wills," I said in return. Giles quickly pushed aside most of the magic supplies, but it was too late.  
  
"Hey," she said hurt. "You guys were doing a spell. And you didn't call me."  
  
"W-w-illow," Giles began.  
  
"What, you don't trust me," she spat out.  
  
"No, that's not it," he tried.  
  
"No, I get it," she said angrily and stormed out of the store.  
  
"P-perhaps," Giles began but I cut him off.  
  
"I need to talk to her. I might still be able to get through to her. You know, before it's too late," I told him and ran after her.  
  
"Willow!" I called towards her. She wasn't quite walking and she wasn't quite running. She was sort of jogging at a leisurely pace. "WILLOW!" I screamed again. Granted it was 7 AM in Sunnydale, but there were enough people to upgrade my shouting to a good old commotion. And despite how much she's grown up from the bookish, shy little girl she was in high school, a commotion is still enough to embarrass Willow. She didn't say anything, but she stopped walking and allowed me to catch up to her.  
  
"Take a walk with me," I said softly as I reached her side. She said nothing, but didn't stop me from taking her hand and walking with her. We walked quietly for a while. Remember how I was telling you all about comfortable silences with Buffy, well this wasn't one of those. No, this was worse, this was one of those awkward silences. Neither of us knew what to say to the other. I couldn't believe I had an awkward silence with my oldest friend.  
  
I was planning on having this conversation with her. Really. It's just, with the whole falling for Buffy again thing, I hadn't really had a chance to actually plan out or think about what I wanted to say. We passed a hotdog cart and I got an idea.  
  
"Willow, food is basically good, right?"  
  
Willow just kind of looked at me with what I like to call her 'sure, whatever you say Xander' look.  
  
"Okay, so we've established food is good. It has lots of good purposes. It nourishes us, tastes good, allows us to run, and do lots of other bodily functions," I was feeling my way through this metaphor, give me a break.  
  
"Xander, where is this going?" Willow asked annoyed.  
  
"But, what happens if you eat too much, or things that are bad for you? You get fat, sick and you have painful heart attacks," I finished. Okay, so it wasn't my best idea. And it was completely ineffective.  
  
"So, I was right. You don't trust me with magic."  
  
I stopped walking. This time, I knew I had to let loose everything inside of me. Every fear for Willow I ever had, every ounce of me that loved her like no one else.  
  
"Sit," I commanded and pointed at a bench. Willow was taken aback by my forceful nature. What can I say, for some reason I could never really bring myself to stand up to her before. I didn't have the heart when we first started saving the world and all, and then she just got to be so good at leading. The only other time I had stood up to her was when we brought Buffy back, and even then it had only been a half-hearted effort on my part. I mean, how can you argue with the person you made the 'boss of us' plaque for.  
  
"Will, do you have any idea how much I love?"  
  
"Xander, I have this under control. I know you love me, but."  
  
"Willow," I said forcefully. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"  
  
"I know."  
  
"No, I don't think you do. You remember the beginning of junior year, when that anointed midget or whatever captured you?" She nodded. "You also know how much I was in love with Buffy then," I said, fighting my mind from brining those pictures and emotions to the forefront. One emotional crisis at a time,I decided. I knew I'd have more than enough time to gather my next award, Pinning of the year, after I had it out with Willow.  
  
"Xander," she sighed.  
  
"Willow," I looked her dead in the eye, "when I found out you had been taken because of the way Buffy had acted, I told her if anything happened to you, I'd kill her. And I meant it. I still do."  
  
My oldest friend just looked at me, at a loss for words. "Willow, I would do anything to keep you safe. Even if that means protecting you from yourself."  
  
"Xander, I'm really touched you care so much," she whispered, fighting emotions, "and I know you just want me to be safe. But I promise you, I am."  
  
I just shook my head and looked at the ground. "Will, it may surprise you, but I know a thing or two about magic. Picked it up from years of watching you and Giles," I added as an afterthought. "And I know about dark magic too. Tell me about a spell called Tabula Rosa."  
  
She shuffled a bit and looked at me and said, "I don't know that one."  
  
She was lying. I knew it from the expression on her face and her body language. But most of all, I knew it in my core. I always knew when my Willow lied to me, because it cut so deep.  
  
"Okay, maybe I do," she said quietly after a moment. "So what? Doesn't mean I'd ever use it or anything. Just, research purposes only, honest."  
  
I brushed the red hair out of her eyes. This was it, I had to make her believe me here and now or I stood a good chance of loosing her forever.  
  
"Will, if I had any sense at all, and if you weren't gay, I'd be married to you." She blushed, but I had to press on. "When you did the spell to bring Angel his soul, I was against it. Lots of reasons really. Bloodsucking fiend and all, but that's not important. My point is, one of my major concerns that I just never had the courage to tell you, was the floodgates you've opened. Will, I know Tara's mentioned it before. Your power scares us. And it's not because anyone wants to hold you back, but magic can be dangerous. Especially the kind I know you've read up on.  
  
"I'm not asking you to stop magic, because that's not going to help anyone, we need you and you are good at it. Your like Rainman when it comes to magic. Rainman in a good way I mean, all smart and able to pick stuff up really quick," I rambled, but quickly got back to the point. "All I want is for you to back off. Leave the dark stuff where it belongs, in the dark. And join the rest of the world. Don't use magic to open a jar that's stuck. Let me, okay, let Buffy do it. It's not the answer to everything, or else it becomes a crutch and you can do nothing but magic until it consumes you. And if you think I'll stand here and let that happen, well, I won't," I finished.  
  
But I had, once. I failed her and I wasn't about to repeat the same mistakes twice.  
  
"I've never seen you this serious before," Willow said softly.  
  
"Take a picture because it doesn't happen often." I told her. "I've only been this serious when you almost died at the end of junior year."  
  
"Figures, I wasn't around to see it," she chuckled.  
  
"Promise me Will."  
  
She was conflicted, I could tell. My insight had scared her, especially considering who it had come from. Still, magic held a lure over her. But I wasn't letting go.  
  
"I'll try. I mean, since it means so much to you," she said. She was putting me off and thinking she could get away with. And she would have too, if it hadn't been for those darned kids. Sorry, ever since we officially became the "Scooby Gang" I've been dying to try that line out.  
  
"I mean it. If you don't do it, I'll do it for you," I told her. Not that I had any idea how I was going to pull that off at this point mind you, but I wasn't worried about it.  
  
"How? Lecture me to death," Willow teased. So now I had to be worried about it. Why can't anything ever be easy.  
  
"You know, never underestimate the power of the lecture. Giles has used it to bore his opponents to death, literally, for years. Why do you think they called him Ripper?"  
  
"I love you Xander," she said out of the blue. That's a strange expression. Ever wonder why it's out of the blue? I mean, if it's blue because of the sky why don't we say out of the sky? You see this is why we should just jump around and gesture in order to communicate. Who needs words to convey things like, oh I don't know, humor when we can use gestures. Stupid prop comics, I kept my reputation up like that for three years just to have a prop comic win class clown. That I'm bitter about. Sorry, off topic.  
  
"I love you too Willow. Promise me."  
  
"I promise," she sighed. She meant it. She had finally given in. She has seen the light. Can I get an Amen? Amen. I said, CAN I GET AN AMEN? AMEN. That's better.  
  
"I told you, beware of the deadly lecture."  
  
"Hey guys," Buffy said, approaching us on the bench.  
  
Good, cause, I was really ready to deal with Buffy. Panic, not a strong enough word here. Hysterical, maybe. Petrified, we have a winner.  
  
"I'll catch you later Will," I whispered. I got up far too quickly, almost fell on my face, waved quickly at Buffy and bolted in the opposite direction. Very dignified, don't you agree?  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	8. Default Chapter8

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now, but expect it to jump to a hard pg-13 later. What. People can have hard R's I can have hard pg-13's.  
  
Learning to be careful (8/?)  
  
  
  
Okay, when last we left me I was running, ever so gracefully, away from Buffy. In fact, I ran all the way back to my apartment and dead bolted the door, praying Buffy hadn't been concerned and tried to follow me. Vain ain't it? Plus, the dead bolt wasn't going to stop her if she really wanted inside.  
  
Of course, this was all before I saw the flashing light on my answering machine. I pushed the button, thinking Giles called to find out what happened to me. But, oh no that would have been far too easy. This was much worse.  
  
"Harris, your vacation ended yesterday. You have twenty minutes to get your ass to the site or I'll find someone I can rely on."  
  
Shit, it was Monday. I needed to be at work by 9. The message was from my supervisor at the construction site reminding me of that important fact. Wait a second, supervisor? Last time I checked I was the foreman in charge. Not that I really had time to be contemplating this. I changed clothes as fast as Xanderly possible and took off. At least I'd have something to keep Buffy away until I could control myself and handle being in the same room as her again. Good God, it was like high school all over.  
  
Of course my great distraction was getting my ass chewed out for being an hour late. On top of that, apparently I hadn't been a top-notch employee since Anya left me. A depressed construction worker is a dead construction worker. Sorry just a saying the boys and me came up with once. It's a funny story really, which doesn't exactly apply, but another time maybe.  
  
So I was on thin ice. I tried to convince the boss that my time off had helped me get my head on straight. And since I had been such a model employee, (I mean could Xander Harris really be anything but?) I got a second chance. The rest of the day I worked hard and managed not hurt myself. So far so good.  
  
I got back to the apartment later that day and had a message from Giles saying he was worried about me and I should call him. So I called Giles up, apologized for flaking but told him I realized I had to work. He said it was fine and we'd try the spell later, after he worked the kinks out. He also said he was quite impressed by my affect on Willow, who came in and apologized to Giles later that day. I had impressed Giles, twice in three days. I knew I needed to be on the look out because that's as sure a sign of the apocalypse as any I've ever seen.  
  
I decided to stay in that night and gather my thoughts. In the past that would have been a thirty-second task. Now it could be an all night endeavor. And also, in the past, I wouldn't have used the word endeavor. Okay, three guesses to what I thought about and the first two don't count. A hearty pat on the back for those of you who answered Buffy.  
  
Oh Buffy. No, no Buffy. Buffy bad. Buffy very, very bad. Okay I obviously had to alter my train of thought away from the image of a leather clad Buffy spanking me, to something a little more productive. Although there were certainly some things I could do with that image in my mind. But, getting back to the real issues at hand, what to do about the rekindling of my Buffy obsession.  
  
At first, I just wanted it to go away. The last thing I needed was to go down that road again. Especially with all the things that came along with it whenever she was around me: The sweaty palms, the unyielding fear of making a fool of myself, the awkwardness, the wet dreams. Was that maybe a little too much info for you?  
  
I formulated a plan. It wasn't a good plan, I'll tell you that right now. But at that point it was all I had. And the brilliant plan you may ask: avoid Buffy. Then, after the three seconds of euphoria that came to me when I actually thought that my plan would work passed, I altered my plan slightly. Avoid being alone with Buffy. That I thought I could pull off.  
  
So, for the next five days I tried this new plan. I would work during the day. I worked harder than I've ever worked in my life. I was itching to prove I could handle myself. Why is it that everything I write sounds dirty? I was itching to handle myself, who writes like that? Apparently I do. Some things never change I guess.  
  
After "handling myself" I'd go over to the Magic Box and help with Scooby stuff. It was nice. Willow was back to normal. Tara even pulled me aside one night and thanked me for getting through to her. I never really understood the phrase swelled with pride before, because you know who swells, but after Tara said that I understood. The swelling is a feeling inside and not so much a physical chest rising thing.  
  
Giles and I had several conversations. The man actually respected me. It was really nice. We talked and it was just, nice. I can't really describe it any better than that. Joyce was around and that in and of itself was great. They were happy, truly happy, and it made me feel happy too. Even Dawn was happy. I rarely heard her wine. I even got to meet the famous boyfriend. Of course I gave him a hard time, but hey I have big brother type duties to attend to.  
  
And then there was Buffy. For a few days I was distant. But I didn't want to raise suspicions so I went back to normal with her, or at least as normal as one can mange when your every other thought is of taking that person and slamming them against a table to make love to them. Did I mention the dreams yet? Because if you thought leather Buffy spanking me and daydream Xander taking her were bad, well, let's just say it's a good thing you can't see into my dreams. We're talking scenes that would make the actors from those late-night Cinemax movies blush.  
  
Because of this fact I'd always make sure Giles, Willow, Joyce, Tara or Dawn was around. If Giles was going to leave the room I'd always offer to go with him. Hence the many conversations we had.  
  
If it seems like I'm blowing over the details of those days, well, you caught me. I am. Not because nothing important happened. Actually, now that I think about it, that's exactly why I breezed past those days. Nothing important happened. Except the dreams. Mmmmmmm, dreams. And I guess Giles bonding. But that really doesn't compare to Buffy dreams does it?  
  
But we do have some action. Around day six of what I like to call, "operation stay away from Buffy," (clever title don't you think?) I was found out. All right if you want to get technical I was called out. By, of all people- Giles. Damn the British.  
  
Let's pick up the action on the evening of night 6. Giles, Buffy and myself were the only three still around for research. Joyce had taken Dawn home due to falling asleep reading a big giant demony book. Willow and Tara left early to go out on a date since things were relatively quiet. The three of us were just researching how to make sure fear demon stayed dead this time. Giles got up to head downstairs and I sprung up after him to help.  
  
I reached the bottom of the stairs to find Giles waiting for me, polishing his glasses.  
  
"What's up Giles?"  
  
"It was a test."  
  
"A test?" In my experience, tests are never, ever good. Especially when they come from watchers, even the good ones.  
  
"You have, at every possible interval, accompanied me to assist me in whatever task I've set about doing."  
  
"Hey English man, speak, English."  
  
He sighed. "You're following me. So, either you have developed a crush on me, which would be incredibly frightening, or you are avoiding someone. And my astounding watcher skills would point towards Buffy."  
  
Damn sarcasm.  
  
"Na uh," I said, continuing the fine tradition of intellectual thoughts when caught in a tough position.  
  
"Would you like to tell me what's going on?"  
  
"What do you think," I snapped back.  
  
"I don't suppose you would?" Giles hastened to inquisitively concur. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, the Xandman told you he could use it. To ye who dare doubted me, I say a pox on thee. Did I get a little carried away? Was that over the top? I promise, gratuitous Xander comments over for this section.  
  
Back to the action.  
  
I sighed. "Your astounding skills aren't so far off," I conceded.  
  
"Xander, you must get over the fact that Buffy and Spike did terrible things, but they haven't done them here. Forgive her and."  
  
I had to jump in here. "Huh?"  
  
"I say you need to, as you would put it, get over it."  
  
"No, I mean, I am. I did that. That's not the issue," I stumbled over my words.  
  
"Oh," Giles said quietly. "Dear Lord I hope you don't actually have a crush on me."  
  
"Eww," I replied. "Don't worry, we're fine."  
  
"Good, that's good," Giles sputtered out quickly.  
  
I decided to tell him. Okay so maybe I was forced to tell him but that's splitting hairs at this point.  
  
"I have a crush on Buffy," I said. The word hung in the air for a long time. When I said it though, it hit me. I wasn't going to be able to just bury my feelings for Buffy. No matter how much I denied the fact I was in love with her, it would keep coming up to the surface until I exploded. Not literally of course, but then again this is a hellmouth so.  
  
I had finally said it aloud, to another person. Now it was real. It was the first time I had said it aloud since way back when I practiced asking Buffy out to Willow. Boy, that must have been so painful for Will. Sometimes I was just an ass.  
  
There was an eternity of silence before Giles finally said. "I see. Well, nothing says I love you quite like avoidance."  
  
"I was scared," I responded and hung my head. "I'm sorry. I promise this wasn't something I did on purpose, I didn't wish it."  
  
"I know," he smiled at me and patted my shoulder. "If you had she'd already be with you. And I think you've learned your lesson about love spells."  
  
I nodded.  
  
They say the truth will set you free, so here was my attempt at being able to let loose a William Wallace like 'freedom.'  
  
"Giles, I have it bad for her. I think about her all the time."  
  
"Are you sure you're not just lonely?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well Xander," he began. "It's quite possible. You went from being engaged to Anya, living with her and having her around all the time. Then, you altered your reality and you're alone. B-before you changed things you and Buffy had been spending a lot of time together, comforting each other. She's continued the attachment since you, ah, entered this reality, giving you a lot of attention. It's entirely possible that you're latching your missing affections onto Buffy."  
  
"I want to latch onto more than her affections," I said without thought.  
  
"Xander," Giles rubbed the ridge of his nose. "I beg you not to continue with that statement."  
  
"Consider it done."  
  
"Thank God."  
  
"But Giles," I said seriously, "I think I'm in love with her. I'm not just lonely. I mean, I remember what it was like to be in love with her, I've been down this road once before, and this is it."  
  
He appeared to be in deep thought for a few moments, and then he finally said to me, "Then why the bloody hell are you down here with the old British man?"  
  
"I can't believe you're actually encouraging this," I said in shock.  
  
"I know you well enough by now to know you'll take care of her. I trust you. And you aren't really my children. So I reiterate, why are you here with me?"  
  
"Because I can't be alone with her. My palms get all sweaty, other more manly stuff happens, and I'm a mess. How can I be a mess with a girl I've know for six years?"  
  
Giles sighed, but there was a slight twinkle in his eyes. "Did I ever tell you about how Joyce and I got together?"  
  
"My God, I really have become the beav," I said.  
  
"What?"  
  
I just shook my head, "It's an American thing, just tell the story."  
  
"Ah, yes. Well, after we decided to tell Joyce about Dawn she was adamant we keep her safe. And, once we learned Glory was a hellgod, Joyce became actively involved in research, wanting to protect Dawn at all costs. When Glory almost captured Spike it was her idea to go on the run. Well, on the trip we grew close. It started out of companionship and loneliness. Being the only two older adults thrown together with a group of teens on the run, well we bonded so to speak. After everything with Glory blew over, we were both afraid it was just our circumstances that made us feel anything towards the other. But, somewhere along the way, we truly fell in love."  
  
There was a light behind his eyes I hadn't seen since Jenny died. You know it's funny, not in the haha I used hastened to inquisitively concur in a sentence funny but in a sad, bizarre kind of funny, that of all the horrible things Angelus did to hurt Buffy, that's the one I can never really forgive. That hurt so many of us so deeply. Giles was never really the same and it took Buffy a long time to bury her guilt.  
  
"It took us a while to sort things out," he continued, interrupting my fantastic internal monologue. "But, eventually, we went out on an actual date. I was so incredibly nervous that I embarrassed myself on several occasions. I knew after that night."  
  
"That's really great for you guys," I said, genuinely happy for him.  
  
"Now, I suppose you're wondering what this has to do with you?"  
  
"It had crossed my mind."  
  
"You and Buffy are experiencing the same thing. You've bonded out of companionship and loneliness, but you want more. Now that you realize that you've become nervous around her. You need to find out if there is something deeper there, Xander."  
  
"But Buffy has never had those feelings about me, I can't have her break my heart again," I nearly screamed. I had been over and over this in my own mind. And Giles argues way better than my mind.  
  
"Honestly Xander, you certainly can't go along the way you are. You can't even be alone with Buffy. And you are not very subtle about it. Your discomfort is obvious to all of us, I suspect to Buffy as well. Possibly even more so."  
  
"When did you get to know so much about relationships and advice?" I asked, accepting that he was right.  
  
"Apparently Joyce has rubbed off quite a bit on me," he beamed a bit.  
  
"You don't think she'll be mad or disgusted?"  
  
"If she says no, that's how she feels. But you're important to her. That much is clear. If she declines, most likely she'll still be very flattered and let you down gently. But it will make her feel good about herself. Joyce is worried about her. She spends quite a few nights at home instead of the dorm and hasn't been on a date in quite a long time. But, I promise Xander, no matter what happens the only thing worse than being r-rejected, is not to know at all."  
  
He was right, again. Of course. Stupid logic. I took a deep breath. "Do you think she'll say yes? Be honest, brutally, angrily honest." He was about to speak and I cut him off. "Nope, changed my mind. Lie to me."  
  
He started to speak and this time I let him. "In that case, no. I don't think she'll have any interest in dating you whatsoever. I believe she finds you utterly repulsive."  
  
"Thanks Giles," I said bitterly. "Great pep talk."  
  
Oh, wait a second.  
  
"Oh, wait a second. I asked you to lie to me didn't I?"  
  
He nodded with his 'patient yet annoyed' look I had caused him to perfect over the years. That was all I needed to gain my lighting rod of courage and I decided to take advantage of it before it abandoned me. I bolted up the stairs and called a, "Thanks a lot Giles."  
  
I reached the main floor to find Buffy just where I'd left her.  
  
"Hey Buff," I said, my hands already sweating as I approached her.  
  
"Hey," she looked up at me with her head half tilted in that gesture I always found incredibly sexy. And now with the more, manly problems.  
  
"So, umm, I was thinking," I stuttered. "You, me, Bronze, tomorrow night?"  
  
"I can't," she said softly. Oh God she was breathtaking. Focus, Xander, focus.  
  
"Oh, you mean the whole patrolling for fear demon thing. Well we could hit the Bronze after. It could be like a," the word date was frozen on my tongue.  
  
"No I mean I can't go out with you tomorrow," she said before I could finish. "I have a date."  
  
"Date," I said finally.  
  
"Yeah," she said brightly. "This guy had been asking me out for a while and this week I finally decided it was time to jump back on the horse. Not literally of course but."  
  
"Date," I said again, stopping her horrible metaphor.  
  
"Yeah," she chuckled a bit. "You know where two people go out, eat, make with the small talk and do some fun activity type thing. You remember."  
  
"Oh," I exhaled. See what I mean about the never lusting after me thing.  
  
"I'd still like for you to come patrol with me if you want."  
  
"Sure," I replied, feeling the room spinning around me. I felt like I was about to faint. She was going out on a date. With a non-Xander type person.  
  
There was only one thing left to say: BUTTMONKEY OF FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	9. Default Chapter9

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now, but expect it to jump to a hard pg-13 later. What. People can have hard R's I can have hard pg-13's.  
  
Learning to be careful (9/?)  
  
"Xander," I heard her say. "Xander are you okay?"  
  
Well, let's run down a little checklist: A- Vampire with a chip wants to hurt me; B- I lost my fiancé because I was too chicken shit to purpose to her; C- Due to losing of said fiancé depression overtook me and I never became a foreman so I'm poor; D- I fall back in love with the girl of my dreams after thinking I was over her; E- I finally gather the nerve to ask her out and she tramples on my already tattered heart. Oh yeah, I'm just peachy.  
  
"Huh?" I asked as I finally heard her voice after the fifth or sixth time she called my name.  
  
"Sit down, what's wrong?" she asked concerned.  
  
NOW she's going to be concerned about me? How can she be concerned about me, she did this to me. It's her fault. Oh yeah, she doesn't know I'm in love with her. That could be a problem.  
  
"Just felt dizzy all of a sudden," I said, trying my best to come up with a valid excuse.  
  
"You don't have to come out with me tonight if you don't want," she said softly.  
  
"No," I said, finally sitting down and trying to regain my wits. "I'm coming. Just, must have been something I ate or something." Not my best work, I know. But you try having the girl you love break your heart right in front of you and tell me how clever you can be.  
  
She came over and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. "I'm okay if you want to stay behind," she said. "Really."  
  
"No," I said, firmly this time. "I'm coming. Just in case." I may be heartbroken, but the magic lamp gave me a chance to contribute, make sure she stayed alive. Oh, oh, I have a magic lamp. I could go wish my feelings for Buffy away, I thought. But that thought was fleeting. A broken heart would heal, a broken neck wouldn't. Didn't make it any less painful. But, I never had a claim to Buffy's heart before, now wasn't any different.  
  
"Sure?" she asked. I nodded. "Okay. I have to swing by the dorm and then home, but we'll meet back here around six. Okay?"  
  
"Fine," I said, fighting my emotions. I mean it's not like this was unfamiliar territory. So why the hell did it hurt just as much?  
  
"Bye Xand," she said, grabbing her bags and taking off. Leaving me alone with my thoughts.  
  
I decided I needed to get out of the Magic Box before Giles came upstairs. I wasn't prepared to deal with him and his questions. So I left to go for a walk.  
  
I walked for a long time. I'd been doing that a lot lately. It's not really as peaceful as people claim it to be. I mean there's the physical exertion, the sweating, and let's not forget the complete lack of solving my problems. All I did was think even more about my issues and you know what, my issues, still there.  
  
It was getting close to six and I wanted to make sure I was back at the shop before Buffy because I didn't want Giles to ask Buffy any questions either. I went in to find Giles stacking some supplies. He turned to see me when I entered.  
  
"Xander," he said brightly, coming over. Here we go. Giles walked over, took one look at me and a strange expression crossed his face. He patted me on the back and said, "I'm sorry."  
  
That was it. No pressing for details. No, what happened. No, I can't believe I was wrong. Just an I'm sorry and a sympathetic pat on the back.  
  
"Thanks," I replied. The way things were working with Giles after my wish was the thing I was most proud of. Not only did he finally have a love life but I had made a connection that I missed my chance on the first time around. It was nice. The guys in Sunnydale I interacted with were few and far between.  
  
"Are you patrolling I assume," Giles said.  
  
"Yeah. I figure the man with the ultimate weapon ought to tag along."  
  
"You are being careful though," he reprimanded me. "Just because you have the lamp doesn't mean you can afford to be careless. With yourself or with Buffy."  
  
"I know," I agreed.  
  
"Hey guys," Buffy said, entering the store. There was really only one word to describe her, stunning. She was wearing a low cut black top, with a short pink skirt. Her hair was done up like she used to have it in high school, flat and around shoulder length. Did I mention the top was low cut top and the skirt was short? Real short. If it weren't so puffy I'd wonder if she forgot the pants. Not that I was complaining. Did I mention the low cut top?  
  
I wanted to say something sweet and complementary, like 'You look fabulous,' or 'Wow Buff you're going to take his breathe away.' But, oh no. What I actually said was, "You're going to patrol in that?"  
  
"Hey," she said playfully, "I can fight in my nicer clothes. Just have to keep the blood off them."  
  
"Or stop a boob from falling out," I said bitterly before the filter that stops random thoughts from actually coming out of my mouth could act.  
  
"Xander," she said, sounding kind of hurt.  
  
"Be careful," Giles said on my behalf. I threw him a sorrowful look, which he returned with one of pity.  
  
"Let's go," Buffy said, grabbing the weapons more aggressively than I was hoping for. I wish I would have handled that better. Live and learn I suppose.  
  
We did a few sweeps of the streets and cemeteries, walking in that awkward type silence. I decided to do the manly thing. I was going to beat up the guy she was going out with. Of course considering her last two boyfriends, not counting Spike cause well he's Spike, could have beaten the crap out of me… I decided maybe that wasn't the best course of action. Which left the less pleasing option two. Apologize.  
  
"Look, Buff."  
  
"Xander," she said shortly. Oh, she was going make this hard.  
  
"I just wanted to say," I paused, trying to fight the urge to tell her I just wanted to say I love you.  
  
"Just wanted to say what?" she asked. She knew what I was reaching for, but she was going to make me say it. She could be such a bitch sometimes. Yet, it did nothing to make me want her less. Damn it.  
  
"I just wanted to say," I paused again, "that there's a demon behind you."  
  
"I forg, huh?" Buffy started then spun around to see the big, ugly fear demon advancing on us. As fate would have it, the sky thought we had it too easy so it began to rain.  
  
"These are my nice clothes," she cursed to sky, just in time to meet the demon head on. He lashed out with his claws.  
  
"I hope you're wearing clothes you want to be buried in," he growled at her.  
  
"No," Buffy said and delivered a roundhouse kick to his head. "I'm going on a date. And you aren't going to scare me tonight cause now I'm pissed."  
  
Buffy punctuated that point by offering some rain of her own to the demon, raining down punch after punch. It was a downpour if I do say so myself. Hvorty, however, just took the beating and grinned. His distorted features twisted in a distorting way. I don't really know how to describe it- it was just, distorting.  
  
"They'll abandon you," he hissed at her. "They don't love you."  
  
"They love me just fine," Buffy said, though the new, emotionally enhanced Xander noticed the inflection in her voice.  
  
"Buffy," I shouted, running for the weapon bag to join in the fight. Did you know it's really hard to lug a heavy bag of weapons in a torrential downpour?  
  
Hvorty, (by the way anyone else really surprised I actually remembered the demon's name, go Giles) continued to taunt and scare Buffy. "Why are you even bothering with dating, you'll only get the poor mortal killed. Or worse." She backed away a step.  
  
"No," I shouted, finally within range to try and help her. "Don't give in to fear Buffy. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to fear. No, wait, that's not it," I muttered, trying to get it straight in my head. My musings on the wisdom of Yoda did have a side effect. It pissed Hvorty off and he flung me across the cemetery. Might I add, no matter how many times that happens to me, it never ceases to amaze me how much it hurts like hell.  
  
Hvorty redirected his attentions to Buffy. "After I kill you, rip you up into little bits, I'll tear into him. He's a weakling. Just like any other mortal you love, they will die. Killed by the creatures you are sworn, but fail, to destroy."  
  
I could see Buffy fighting, trying to be strong. Hvorty lashed out, catching Buffy across the chest where she had no protection because, did I mention, she was wearing a low cut top? The demon pushed Buffy and she fell to the ground.  
  
"Foolish slayer," he hissed.  
  
At this point, I had stumbled to my feet and crawled over to the weapon bag. I pulled out a sword, as irony would have it the one I used to kill him last week, and advanced on them. She watched me. Not to be a big braggart or anything, but I could tell my presence was comforting her. What can I say I'm a comfortator.  
  
"Your greatest fear is death. A death I will give you," Hvorty went on.  
  
"No," she said calmly. "Death," she smiled, "is what you're getting." She then used her head as a weapon, knocking the demon back a step. Buffy pulled her legs up to her chest and pushed him away even harder. He staggered back and that was my cue. I swung the sword through his neck as hard as I could. It turns out I can't swing that hard. The sword got stuck about a quarter of the way in. Buffy rolled to her feet and finished slicing his head off. All the while he made sounds that rivaled the time I accidentally dropped my grandfather's dentures down the garbage disposal when I was seven. It wasn't pretty.  
  
"I think he's staying dead this time," Buffy panted, dropping the blade to the ground.  
  
"Come on," I said, grabbing her arm. I had to yell because the wind and thunder were making it hard to hear. "My apartment's not far. We can get you cleaned up." Buffy nodded in agreement.  
  
We took off running at a pretty good clip. Buffy had to carry the weapons bag because it was *cough too heavy cough* for me. Shut up, it doesn't make me any less manly. It was cold and rainy and we just wanted to get back. I said shut up!  
  
Anyway, we got back to my apartment. I ran to the bathroom to grab Buffy a towel and tossed the lamp into a cabinet. When I came back I found her standing in the doorway, trying to avoid getting any of my furniture wet. I sighed. She could be so sweet.  
  
"It's okay Buff," I smiled. "Not like there's anything real valuable to ruin."  
  
She didn't say anything but smiled gratefully and accepted my towel.  
  
"I wonder if Anya left any clothes around you could change into," I offered. Quite big of me don't you think.  
  
"Oh," she said, a little flustered, "no. You don't have to do that."  
  
"It's okay," I replied. I was about to head into my bedroom to check when I heard her curse.  
  
"Buff," I said, turning slightly to see her trying to towel herself off.  
  
"It's just those damn cuts," she muttered.  
  
I walked over to her and lead her to the couch. I turned her so her back was facing me and I gently began to warm her up with the towel. She smelled like vanilla, orange blossom, and something that was indelibly Buffy. What, when it comes to Buffy I can be poetic. She leaned her back into my hands as I traced the curves I'd spent years memorizing. I rubbed her shoulders, trying not to be too sensual but unable to resist the opportunity after everything I'd been through.  
  
She slowly turned around to face me. I could tell I was blushing and I knew there had been a redirection of blood flow, but I tried to keep my cool. She said nothing, but her look told me to continue. I brushed the water from her face, and ran the towel over her cuts. She winced a bit, but I softly tabbed the cloth against her wounds and I could tell by the look on her face it helped.  
  
For this moment, she was my girl. I loved her more than anything and I was finally getting my chance to take care of her. My fantasy didn't last long. A stray thought about her date entered my mind and crashed into my fantasy world. She doesn't want to be here, I thought. However, she said nothing, only allowing me to tend to her. I thought she was enjoying it, but I wasn't sure.  
  
"Buffy," I whispered, breaking the silence. I didn't want to lose myself in a stolen moment that didn't belong to me, but I didn't want my time with her to be completely over. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry I acted like a jerk before."  
  
"You didn't," she whispered back, leaning dangerously close to me. A man of less self-control would have gathered her up in his arms and kissed her into oblivion. Apparently somewhere along the last few years I got some self-control, because I didn't give in to that desire.  
  
"I did. I just, I don't know. I guess I'm still a little protective of you," I said truthfully. I had to remind myself not to get too truthful. "I don't know this guy. I don't know anything about him. I want you to be careful. Take care of yourself," I rambled. I was feeling like I was back in high school. My movements were becoming less practiced as my palms got more sweaty. I was rambling, trying to think of something intelligent to say. It wasn't pretty.  
  
"Anyway, umm, I just don't want you to get hurt is all." My God, I was still talking. That's when Buffy shut me up.  
  
It happened before I even understood it. I had been rubbing her shoulders and she was leaning close to me. I thought she just wanted to steal some of my warmth. It didn't really occur to me that by this point and time she was much drier than I was. I was rambling on about something or other. My mouth was kind of on autopilot. Her head got even closer to my face. Mouth: still on autopilot. So Buffy took matters into her own hands and put it back on manual.  
  
My lips were forming yet another word when something got stuck between them. It took me all of a half second to realize the thing between my lips, were Buffy's lips. Her kiss was gentle and sweet. She tasted incredible, sweet and soft with a hint of mint and lip-gloss. It took me a second to begin to kiss her back. Again, I was back in high school. My kiss was sloppy and wet, but full of passion.  
  
She broke away and leaned back. And for the first time since I learned how to read the gang's emotions, I was completely clueless. "Huh?" I asked before I could stop myself. I really need to get that filter checked.  
  
Buffy looked away embarrassed. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be sorry," I said quickly. "Explain."  
  
"Xander," she took a deep breath. "I think, I know, that I've been having these warm, fuzzy, more than friend type feelings towards you for a long time. At first I thought it was just because we were spending a lot of time together. But lately, I don't know. I just wanted to be with you more and more. That's when I realized I might be falling for you. And after that night on my couch, I knew. I'm really attracted to you. I had some intense dreams and why am I telling you that?"  
  
I managed a chuckle, despite the fact that my mind was spinning. Buffy had been having warm, fuzzy more than friend type feelings towards me for a long time. Zwhaaa, about covers it. "I don't think I'm hearing you right. You're not under any spells are you?" I managed to get out.  
  
"No," she smiled, but I could sense her nervousness. "I just never gave us a chance. I never even stopped to consider you as a guy, you were just, I don't know, you were just Xander. But, that night clinched it. I've never felt like that before. So on edge and all tingly and I had a much more elegant speech at one point," she muttered.  
  
"What about your date?" I asked. My brain pretty much had turned to mush at this point.  
  
"I figured you needed time. And, honestly, I wanted to make sure it was you I was in love with, and not just the idea of not being alone anymore. Just to let you know, after that kiss, it's you for sure." She gave me a little smile that was incredibly sexy. "But, I know you need time. I can wait. I'm not getting any younger, but I'm not going anywhere either. Oh Lord, I'm babbling."  
  
My thought process restarted but at this time consisted only of: Holy crap, I can't believe this, and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR!  
  
Buffy continued to babble and I finally had enough clarity to realize I should return her earlier favor. So, I shut her up.  
  
I leaned in and kissed her. It was slow and soft at first, but after a minute there were tongues involved. I tried to hold back, but you know six years of pent up passion that finally finds an outlet can't be held back. It flowed out of me until I had somehow managed to yank Buffy on top of my lap, dropping the towel to the floor, and holding her as tight as I could. Buffy, for her part, didn't even flinch in pain as I pushed myself against her cuts.  
  
We broke away breathless. I looked at her and I saw a combination I recognized because I used to see it in the mirror. It was one of lust, love and wanting.  
  
"I don't need any more time," I whispered as I brushed her hair. "What I need is you." Where I managed to yank that bit of suave from I don't know, but I silently thanked whoever was watching out for me.  
  
Buffy got a new look in her eyes. I had only seen it once, but I recognized it instantly. It made my heart start to pound even faster, because the only time I'd seen it was in the library when she'd been under that love spell.  
  
She spoke, her voice soft and seductive, "I guess we won't be needing Anya's clothes after all. In fact, what I have in mind, doesn't involve any clothes."  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	10. Default Chapter10

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now, but expect it to jump to a hard pg-13 later. What. People can have hard R's I can have hard pg-13's.  
  
Learning to be careful (10/?)  
  
My eyelids slowly pried apart. I felt a strange sensation of being incredibly refreshed and yet completely exhausted. I could hear the rain pounding against the windows and exhaled a sigh of relief. With a rain like that, no way the site was going to be open today. Not that I couldn't use the money, but a day off wouldn't suck either. That's about the time I became acutely aware of naked Buffy draped over me.  
  
For a second there was blind panic, until I remembered all of what had happened the night before. Then, a huge grin broke out over my face. And that's all the details you people are getting because a gentleman does not kiss and tell.  
  
I rolled over to face her. Yep, she was still stunning, morning hair and all. I scooted a little closer to her, trying to absorb as much of her as I could.  
  
"Morning," she whispered, rolling closer to me as well.  
  
"I didn't think you were awake yet," I said softly. I was almost sure I was about to wake from the best dream of my life and this moment would all be over.  
  
"You sure tried to knock me out. Anya said you were a Viking in the sack, but," she trailed off as a contended look crossed her face. I can die happy now.  
  
I ran my hands through her hair, revealing in its texture.  
  
"Buffy, there's something I need to confess," I said, my eyes half closed just enjoying the moment. Apparently you never, ever, tell a girl 'there's something I need to confess' after you've just slept with her, because it doesn't go over very well.  
  
"Oh God. You think this was a mistake. We moved too fast. You're still not over Anya. You have a disease. Damnit, I wanted this to last. I don't want to ruin our friendship. Why didn't you say anything last night," she rambled. I used the technique that was rapidly becoming my favorite way to shut Buffy up. When I broke the kiss I ran my hand over her cheek.  
  
"Relax. I don't regret for a microsecond what we did," I told her, and instantly she brightened up. Crisis averted, whew. "What I wanted to say was that, these warm, fuzzy feelings you'd been having, well I've been having them for a while towards you too. My dizzy spell last night, kind of a result to you telling me you were about to go on a date after I'd finally worked up the courage to tell you how I felt."  
  
Buffy just stared at me for a second. Perhaps this was a mistake. She hit me in the arm. Hard. Yep, definitely a mistake.  
  
"What was that for?" I asked, rubbing my sore spot.  
  
"You mean to tell me we could have been doing," she paused and made empathic hand gestures before continuing in a low seductive voice, "that, for a long time now?"  
  
I had to smile. "Buff, we could have been doing that since the day I met you."  
  
She giggled and I wrapped her in my arms. We both paused for and looked into the other's eyes.  
  
"Well, this is new territory for the Buffy Xander relationship," I said aloud.  
  
"Good?" she asked hopefully.  
  
"Most assuredly," I replied.  
  
"Most assuredly," she said incredulously. "You have been spending way too much time with Giles lately."  
  
"Well," I said, "perhaps I could start spending more time with someone else."  
  
"Oh really," she played. "Got anyone in mind?"  
  
"Maybe," I teased back.  
  
"Willow?" she asked innocently before I broke down and kissed her forehead.  
  
"I could so get used to this."  
  
"Me too."  
  
I gathered her up and kissed her with an intense fever.  
  
"Ooh," she groaned sexily. "My God, five times wasn't enough," she moaned a little, arching her back. Just for the record, she brought it up not me.  
  
She moaned again. "Apparently I'm not the only one," I replied and kissed her even deeper.  
  
"No," she confessed after we broke away again. "But, I have class of which I am intensely late for."  
  
"And I guess I should make sure the site is actually closed," I said dejectedly. The thunder roared just to prove my point.  
  
"Well," Buffy said, playing with my arm. "I get out of class at two. You could swing by."  
  
"I'd like that," I told her, sitting us both up on the bed.  
  
"In the meantime," she hopped up, the sheet falling to the ground, and winked at me. "I need a shower. Care to join me?"  
  
I was still in awe at this point. Because, after all this time, all the squirming both literally and figuratively, the shoe was actually on the other foot. Buffy was actually lusting after me. Wow, there's a sentence I never thought I'd write. Isn't it amazing how many doors one little wish can open up. It's like that wiccan dealy where every door closes and a window opens. Or, wait, is it everything bad I do will come back three times worse. Or is it the other way around. Ah Screw it. Buffy's waiting for me in the shower. Also another sentence I never thought I'd write.  
  
At the risk of being ungentlemanly, I have to say showering with Buffy is an amazing experience. I'll just leave it at that.  
  
We reluctantly got out and dried off. I looked around and found I actually did have some of Anya's clothes in the closet. It was kind of bittersweet, but one look at naked Buffy wavering sensually over to me and I was pretty much in heaven. A few minutes later we were dressed and ready for work and school.  
  
"Remember, two o'clock," Buffy said as she stood in the doorway.  
  
"I will. By the way," I offered her a goofy grin, "I never got a chance to tell you what I really thought of your outfit last night."  
  
"I know what you thought. You told me my boob was going to pop out."  
  
"Yeah but," I started.  
  
"So that means you liked it," she winked and was out the door.  
  
I was pretty much walking on air for the rest of the day. Well, not literally since it's actually quite possible to walk on air on the hellmouth. Willow showed me once.  
  
The site was indeed closed, so I pretty much spent the morning trying to will time to go faster. Surprisingly, not that effective. I was entirely amazed by Buffy. It was like having the old Buffy back. So full of life, energy and sexiness. I was forgetting more and more about the new Buffy, the one who slept with Spike, had died and been pretty much miserable with life.  
  
Which lead me to my next thought. What exactly happened to spark these smoochie type feelings of Buffy. Where did that come from? Not that I was complaining mind you, just contemplating. I can now add contemplatador to my list.  
  
Basically I contemplated at the coffee shop, watching the rain, until one. I thought about going to see Giles, but I didn't want to see any of the Scoobs until Buffy and I had a chance to talk and really iron out our relationship. My God, I used relationship and Buffy in the same sentence. That's so much better than that stupid hastened to inquisitively concurred crap I had going on before.  
  
Two o'clock finally rolled around and I was actually punctual for a change. I waited under a tree to provide me some cover. Yeah, I know, not exactly the smartest plan in the world but love distracts you from those details. My golden beauty finally strolled outside, umbrella in hand. Though, the rain had slowed some since the morning, it was hard to see her from the top of the stairway. I was about to bolt up the stairs to meet her when I had a flashback to the first time we met and running myself into a pole. That's when I decided to just wait for Buffy as calmly as possible at the bottom of the stairs.  
  
"Hey, you," she smiled when she came over to me. "Trying to electrocute yourself?" she teased, offering me the cover of her umbrella.  
  
"What can I say, I like to live on the edge," I said in my best John Wayne voice. It caused Buffy to break into a fit of the giggles. Oh my, you know they have it bad for you when they laugh at your horrible impressions.  
  
"Next your going to tell me your middle name is danger," she said, slipping her hand into mine. I was praying the dreaded sweaty palms wouldn't return.  
  
"Nah," I swallowed, "my middle name is Lavelle. A fact I'd appreciate if you kept to yourself."  
  
She laughed again and led us into the student union. "Hungry?"  
  
"Yeah, for real food," I teased but we took a booth seat anyway.  
  
"You really have a thing for that lamp," she said, noticing it as I stuffed it into my bag.  
  
"Well, it's a good luck charm," I improved, "and it brought you to me, so I'd say it's working."  
  
Buffy just blushed slightly and turned away. My God, I could make Buffy swoon. I'm running out of ways to describe this wonderful feeling. We grabbed our food, and sat back down. As we were eating I could feel Buffy playing a mean little game of footsie with me. Let me tell you, it's incredibly hard to eat while Buffy is trying to play footsie with you.  
  
"So," I choked out. "Umm."  
  
"Is this questions portion of the day?"  
  
"Well, it couldn't hurt."  
  
"I'm all ears, fire away," she said, dragging her foot further up my leg. I'm pretty sure I blanked out for a couple minutes, but eventually when I came too I had no blood anywhere besides the little slayer.  
  
"What was I doing?"  
  
She giggled again, and then took my hand. The taking of my hand was nice, but it also coincided with the removal of her foot from my leg. Sure I could actually focus now, but who wants to do that when they can have Buffy's foot on their leg?  
  
"We were going to talk," she said seriously, but not too seriously.  
  
"Right, talk."  
  
"The what does this make us now talk," she said sardonically. I'm not even really sure what that word means, they tell me it's like sarcasm but, huh?  
  
"Right, so, what does this make us?" I said, trying valiantly to focus.  
  
"I'd be lying if I said I wanted to take it slow," Buffy shrugged.  
  
"Too late for that anyway," I joked. She smiled in return. "Do we tell the others?" I asked.  
  
"Why would we want to hide it?" she asked confused.  
  
"No reason at all. I'm just glad you're not embarrassed of me," I confessed.  
  
"I would never be embarrassed of you. You want to talk embarrassing, try running into the guy you broke a date with last night and trying to come up with a good excuse without sounding like a ho."  
  
I gave a manly type giggle noise at her joke. Yeah, I know, I have it just as bad for her as she has for me.  
  
"Okay, does anyone know about your more than friend feelings? Besides me I mean," I asked her.  
  
"No. I thought Willow would just tell me I was lonely. She wouldn't understand."  
  
"Oh, I don't know, Willow has fallen pray the Xander Harris charms before."  
  
"Hush," she squeezed my hand playfully. "So no, I didn't. You tell anyone?"  
  
I looked away, not sure how she'd react.  
  
"Okay that's a yes, so you may as well tell me who," she said.  
  
"Gls," I coughed.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Giles," I whispered.  
  
"Okay, once more or no more footsie," she warned.  
  
"Giles," I said slowly and clearly. A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  
  
"You two really have bonded lately," she said surprised.  
  
"A guy can only take so much estrogen at one time. Sometimes you just have to get a testosterone injection and my GOD that was some horrible imagery."  
  
"Glad you said it," Buffy made her 'eww' face to prove her point. I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it.  
  
"Just to make sure we're clear on my sexual preference. Tweed just doesn't cut it for like spandex.."  
  
"Crystal clear."  
  
We sat for a long time, holding hands and looking at each other like lovesick puppies. It was really nice. I'd never had this stage of a relationship before. I don't count all the encounters I had with demons: That's right I'm talking about you bug lady and Incan mummy girl. With Cordy it was always a grope here and a grope there until some real feelings developed. Since Willow and I had to hide our relationship it wasn't the same thing. And Anya, well it was just sex to start with Anya. Are we sensing a pattern here?  
  
It was really nice to just gaze into Buffy's eyes and finally see the feelings I had longed would be reciprocated in her deep pools. Like I said before, Buffy brings out the poetry in me.  
  
"Buff," I said after a while.  
  
"Yeah, Xander," she said more dreamily than I believe she intended. At least judging by the reddish color of her face.  
  
"Don't take this the wrong way, but where did this come from?"  
  
She smiled wistfully. "Honestly, the first time I felt it was after I found out about Spike and his obsession with me. You were so good to me, such a great friend. Then, over the summer, I watched you and Anya drift apart. And, I wanted to return what you'd done for me after Riley left. For a long time I just thought I was happy about reconnecting a great friendship. Eventually, I started to sneak peaks at you," she coughed, "while you were bending over. I was finding myself attracted to you. But, I didn't want to get between you and Anya. After she left, I didn't want to be a vulture so I kept all my feelings hidden. I must have done a good job cause Willow usually always knows when something's up with me."  
  
"That's a long time," I whispered.  
  
"Yeah. I think I understand what you went through back in sophomore year. It's hell not knowing how someone feels and being afraid they won't feel what you feel back. Finally, all my pent up frustration dissolved that night on my couch. I was this close from ripping your clothes off, telling you to take me and confessing my feelings to you. But, you'd been so weird lately I wasn't sure what would happen. Turns out you were weird for the same reasons I was."  
  
"I sure was," I agreed.  
  
"That was the more elegant speech I was supposed to give you last night," she told me.  
  
"They were both lovely," I replied, squeezing her hand even tighter.  
  
"Soooo," she said, returning her foot to my leg. "Are we all talked out?" She broke out the pout. I'd been in this relationship for less than a day and I was already whipped. Oh, thoughts of Bad Buffy with a whip.  
  
"We're talked out for now," I replied, doing my best impersonation of worm. She knows how to work it, I'll give her that.  
  
"Whatever shall we do know?" she teased, her foot riding even higher up my leg until.  
  
"Your room, now," I gasped.  
  
"I was hoping you'd say that," she slinked her foot off my little slayer and sauntered out of the booth. "Come." She waggled her finger at me and that was it. I don't even need to elaborate on what happened after that.  
  
One side note, I thought I caught a glimpse of something watching us from the bushes in the rain on our way back to Buffy's dorm to continue our earlier fun. But when I turned to see there was nothing there. Plus, I was far too preoccupied with Buffy to care that much. Little did I know the big bad in the bushes, was none other than the chipped wonder.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	11. Default Chapter11

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now, but expect it to jump to a hard pg-13 later. What. People can have hard R's I can have hard pg-13's.  
  
Learning to be careful (11/?)  
  
Life was good. Life was very, very good. I couldn't have scripted things any better. I was in the best relationship I'd ever had my entire life. Not to say I was miserable with Cordy and Anya, but things were never easy with either of them. Cordy and I always fought. Anya was still learning to be human so there was always a challenge.  
  
But Buffy. Ahh, contended sigh here. We rushed things a little bit, but that's because there wasn't that awkward getting to know each other stage. We were in the let's get naked stage. It was great. There was so much passion. But there was a lot of tenderness as well. Stupid things that no one else would understand, like how every time I'd come up to see Buffy on campus we would eat at the same booth at the student union. Or, when we'd take long walks right before sunset and always sit under the same tree on the campus and watch the sun go down.  
  
I'm sure everyday a hundred people come by our tree or sit in our booth and don't see anything but a tree and a booth. I walk past it and I see Buffy. I never really had that with Anya, even at the height of our relationship. I never saw the Magic Box and thought of Anya. I actually think of Olaf the troll breaking my arm, but that's neither here nor there.  
  
We saw each other all the time. And we did nice, normal, couple type things. We went out to dinner, we saw movies, we fought the undead. You know, normal stuff. And everyone was happy for us. They found out the day after I came to see Buffy on campus. It was pretty simple really. We walked into the Magic Box and Scooby meeting, holding hands. We got a few strange looks from the others but no one said anything. Well, except Giles eyes', which spoke volumes. There was a 'take care of her' mixed with, an 'I'm happy for you' and to top it off a little 'hurt her and I'll go Ripper on your arse.' British spelling of ass of course.  
  
I'm thinking what totally gave us away was when Buffy gave me a big kiss at one point during the evening. Willow, who hadn't really paid the hand holding that much attention, had her jaw hit the floor. It was actually pretty funny. Joyce just smiled at us. Tara giggled and literally brought her hand up to close Willow's mouth. And all Dawn said was, "About time."  
  
Which leads me to my update of everyone. And on those other fronts, things were great too. Willow and Tara had a plan to help Willow avoid dark magic before she started, like a checks and balances thing. Giles and Joyce had finally come clean to the girls. Buffy told me she could barely keep a straight face. She also told me Giles stopped sneaking back into his room at night, which sort of elevated what she called the ewwwness factor. Not that she was at home that often because we were usually at her place or mine having or rather, making, what I mean to say is enjoying the fruits of, well, you think of a tactfully way to say we couldn't keep our hands of each other.  
  
Things with Dawn were good too. She and her boyfriend were going to a school dance. In fact Buffy and I had become so quaint that we might actually chaperone. She kept telling me it'd give us a chance to make up for what we missed in high school. Sometimes I forget how fast Buffy really had to grow up and how much she missed out on. All of us really. Fighting evil can do that to you.  
  
The only thing that scared me was the complete lack of Spike anywhere. He wasn't stalking Buffy. He wasn't attacking me. He was completely scarce. Which might sound dandy on the surface, but if you look deeper that's not his style. He never does what he's supposed to. Let's look at his track records here folks. First, after the whole Acathala end of the world throw down between him, Dru and Angel he was supposed to leave the country and never return. And surprisingly, not only did he come back, but he took me and Willow captive. Second, after we ever so graciously let the bastard live after he got all neutered, which is still a fun image to me every time I think about it, he betrayed us to Adam and tried to kill us all. Third, he vowed he'd kill Buffy last year. He just never follows through on anything.  
  
Which is what made his disappearance that much worse. He wouldn't have left just because Buffy threatened him. He had something up his sleeve. But since I couldn't find him or any clues to his whereabouts at his crypt, I had nothing to go on. It was too bad, because I could tell Dawn missed him. But it wasn't like she had gotten as attached to him in this reality as she had in the old one. There, badly she wanted and needed his attention and affection. Of course, all he was interested in was giving it to Buffy. And now I remember why I usually stay away from that line of thought.  
  
Speaking of forgetting, a weak segue way I know, Giles and I had given up on the spell. He couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong, well besides having me and my complete lack of magical ability doing the casting. Plus, he figured since I was sucking it up he could too.  
  
Speaking of sucking up, how you like that one, I had begun to get some more respect at work again. I had moved from bottom of the totem pole to next in line for promotion. It helped that with my other world knowledge I already knew what being a foreman entailed and what they were looking for in a promotee. Promotee? Is that even a word? Oh well. Anyway, they had me training the new guy. He was really creepy. Something about him I just couldn't put my finger on, but I didn't like him for a second. This being Sunnydale and all, I kept a close eye on him.  
  
On the slaying front it was pretty quiet. I kept an eye open for the trio of dorkdom, but apparently a happy, strong Buffy scared them more than sad, depressed, I don't care Buffy. Go figure.  
  
Things went on like this for a month. I was really settling into the new world and finally getting totally used to it. So, I figured it was time to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. I planned an incredibly romantic evening for Buffy. All I told her was to dress nice.  
  
I was nervous. Part of it was because after tonight I was going to be looking for loose change under the couch so I could purchase life sustaining eating materials. But I had other reasons to be nervous. I dressed in my nicest sports coat and tie. It was hard though, because usually when I want to look nice I let Buffy dress me. Literally. But not like in a motherly way. It's, well just trust me it's sensual. I swear.  
  
I didn't even bring the lamp with me, which is amazing. It's like that credit card, I never leave home without it. I can't remember if it's American Express or Discover or something else I don't know they may as well just call them the 'we're going to take all your money if you ever use me' cards. I'm almost positive a demon invented credit card interest rates.  
  
But I digress yet again. I came to pick Buffy up. Dawn opened the door and almost had a heart attack.  
  
"Wow, I'm impressed Xander," she said. "You look fantastic and all by your lonesome."  
  
"You know kid," I smiled at her and patted her on the head. "Thanks."  
  
"I'm not a kid," she said, stomping her foot. Then she laughed and gave me a gentle hug. It was a running joke we had. I loved Dawn so much. She really was the little sister I never had. It was just another thing to hold against Spike, he'd completely tossed her aside after he got in Buffy's pants. Kind of washed away that whole summer he spent helping us out.  
  
"Hi, Xander," Joyce said from the kitchen. "You look handsome tonight."  
  
"All by himself too," Dawn teased.  
  
"You can tell by the lack of laughter that I don't find that funny," I replied. Though I think the grin on my face gave me away.  
  
"Are you sure you don't mind going out tonight Giles?" I asked.  
  
"Not at all," he returned with a warm smile. "You and Buffy deserve a night off. Activity has been a little slow lately so I suspect between myself, Willow and Tara, well, we can handle a few fledglings."  
  
"That's British for have a good time," Joyce said and entwined her hand with Giles', causing a huge grin to break out over his face.  
  
"Ahem," Willow said appearing for the top of the stairs. "Presenting your lady." Willow then proceeded to make large sweeping motions with her hands. I was about to make a silly joke about her being a windmill when Buffy came into view and took the wind right out from me.  
  
Not to sound like a fashion critic but she was dressed in a simple yet elegant white v-neck dress. It clung to her in all the right spots without being slutty. Her hair was done up in and held in place by pins. I'm sure it had a technical term but I didn't have a clue as to what it was. She wore a pearl necklace I knew belonged to Joyce, but it fit the outfit perfectly.  
  
I've been told I said nothing, only standing there barely blinking. To be totally honest the whole rest of the world, including myself, just faded away until all that was left was Buffy.  
  
"Hi," she said, finally breaking my trance. She was clearly embarrassed not only by my reaction but by all the eyes on her.  
  
"Gorgeous," I was able to get out. She smiled at me and looped her arm through my own.  
  
"Shall we?" she asked and kissed me lightly on the cheek.  
  
"We shall," I replied, starting to recover a bit.  
  
"Don't wait up," Buffy said evilly to our family and friends. I practically dragged her out the door.  
  
"You're awful," I told her as I opened the door to my car.  
  
"Play your cards right," she said, slinking into the car and running her hands over the appropriate areas.  
  
"I plan too," I mumbled to myself and gently closed to car door.  
  
It was a car I didn't have in the other verse, but one I had always wanted. Anya, of course, hated it so that was that. How I was affording it I was totally sure but why look a Trojan horse in the mouth right? Or is it beware of gift horses? Oh well the only horse I was concerned with was the horse power of my beautiful, new Ford Mustang.  
  
The evening started with a nice drive. We saw part of the beach on the way to a lovely little restaurant. It was also damn expensive. Why the hell is veal so expensive anyway? I mean it's baby cows right, so you'd think they'd be cheaper since the farmers don't have to take care of them as long. As it turns out in order to afford veal I need to make a yearly sacrifice to the baby cow demon.  
  
About halfway through dinner Buffy looked nervously up at me. "I feel strange."  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked, as usual jumping to my overprotective self. "This place is too expensive to have some demon decide slayer's on the menu."  
  
"Nothing's wrong sweetie," she assured me. "It's just, I feel all butterflies in my stomachy. Like it's our first date or something."  
  
"I recall I had a lot of butterflies on our first date." I winked at her.  
  
"That night so does not count as a date," she retorted.  
  
"Hey, it's a better story than, oh yeah son your mom and I got together and locked lips before we even went on a date."  
  
She was quiet for a long time. I thought, as infinitesimally small a possibility as it was, I may have stepped over the line. By the way since I haven't made a big word joke in a while how cool is infinitesimally huh.  
  
"Buff," I started.  
  
"You," she cut me off, "you think about us having children?"  
  
Oh shit!  
  
"Well," I gulped.  
  
"Just be honest with me honey."  
  
"I think about the future, sure. I'd like you to be in it. I'd like kids someday, so therefore, one thing leads to another."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I like that thought."  
  
Oh boy, I knew what was coming next. But, I had things planned for tonight and so I wasn't about to have three days worth of planning shot to hell. I tried to change the subject.  
  
"So, veal," I blurted out. Apparently the cosmos decided my moment of suave that I'd salvaged the first night we made love needed to be repaid right here and now.  
  
"Veal?" she asked, raising her eyebrows at me. Damnit woman I have a plan here, and you're not wrecking it no matter how sweet it is.  
  
"Yeah, what's with that?"  
  
"What's with veal? How do we go from you and I having children to veal?"  
  
Okay, this is my favorite line, wait for it, here it comes… "Well, you know children start out as babies and veal is baby cows."  
  
The genius of that line, oh yeah. Needless to say she just burst into laughter, drawing looks from the entire restaurant. When she finally calmed down I gathered up the courage to ask, "That pretty much killed the first date feelings, didn't it?"  
  
She seemed to think about it for a second and only replied, "You'd think so wouldn't you?" Her beaming smile gave me my answer. My plan would still work. The rest of dinner went off without a hitch.  
  
Then we went for dessert. I drove us all the way back to Sunnydale. In fact, I drove us to the campus of UC Sunnydale.  
  
"I see we're staying at my place tonight," she smirked.  
  
"Hey, you haven't won any of this fine piece of manliness yet," I shot back playfully. When we arrived I took her for a long walk through the campus, showing our love off to everyone and anyone who walked by. I could see the bitter and jealous looks we got. All I can say to that is, 'BOUT DAMN TIME!  
  
Finally we arrived at the student union.  
  
"Oh you gotta be kidding me?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"Nope," I was grinning like the freaking Joker by this point.  
  
"No way."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You are not getting me in there."  
  
"I'll buy you a cake," I pleaded.  
  
"Xander," she broke out the pout.  
  
For once I held firm and replied with a manly, "Pleeeeaaaazzzze."  
  
"Fine," she sighed. It could have worked out better. Exactly as I'd planned it. The cake was already waiting for us at our booth and the student union was completely empty.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
"Sssh," I ssshed her. As we walked in, one might think almost as if on cue, Vanessa Williams Saving the Best for Last, played over the loud speaker.  
  
"May I have this dance?" I asked.  
  
She did nothing but shake her head and allow me to lead her to the center of our make shift ballroom. "How did you pull this off?"  
  
"A good magician never reveals his secrets," I told her mysteriously. I think she liked the mystery of it all because she didn't press for any more details. Little did she know Tara was a good friend with the manager, but Buffy doesn't need to know that, does she. Hint, hint, wink, wink.  
  
We danced for a long time to a song I thought completely captured our relationship. Feel free to skip the lyrics if it isn't your thing, but I know I couldn't stop the tears from slipping out of my eyes. And when Buffy laid her head on my shoulder to dance, I know I felt her tears through the shoulder of my sports coat.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Sometimes the snow comes down in June  
  
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon  
  
I see the passion in your eyes  
  
Sometimes it's all a big surprise  
  
Cause there was a time when all I did was wish  
  
You'd tell me this with love  
  
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned  
  
But somehow it's enough  
  
But now we're standing face to face  
  
Isn't this world a crazy place  
  
Just when I thought our chance had past  
  
You go and save the best for last  
  
All of the nights you came to me  
  
When some silly girl had set you free  
  
You wondered how you'd make it through  
  
I wondered what was wrong with you  
  
Cause how could you give your love to someone else  
  
And share your dreams with me  
  
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for  
  
Is the one thing you can't see  
  
But now we're standing face to face  
  
Isn't this world a crazy place  
  
Just when I thought our chance had past  
  
You go and save the best for last  
  
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for  
  
Is the one thing you can't see  
  
Sometimes the snow comes down in June  
  
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon  
  
Just when I thought our chance had past  
  
You go and save the best for last  
  
1 You went and saved the best… for last  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
When the song ended it took us both a moment to gather ourselves. Finally, I took her hand and lead her outside.  
  
"But I wanted cake," she said. Though her words weren't important, her voice thick with emotion.  
  
"I have one last thing," I whispered. I'm sure she figured out where I was taking her. Our tree. A blanket was already there, awaiting us.  
  
"You're quite the sneak," she chuckled.  
  
"I had accomplices you know."  
  
"I'm sure you did."  
  
We sat down on the blanket and I took a deep breath. Here we go.  
  
"You know, I thought about doing something silly like carving BX 4ever or something like that in the tree. But then I decided that would cheapen the effect, you know. It's our tree. The only thing that matters is that we know it. No one else needs to. And if I need to carve our initials into things to remember they belong to us."  
  
She laughed at me. A slight breeze picked up and she curled closer to me. I took my coat off without thinking and placed it around her shoulders.  
  
"Before, when you said this was like our first date, you weren't that far off. I've, obviously, had this planned all night. I have something to tell you. It sort of has to do with our veal conversation earlier," I told her. Why I brought the veal thing back up I'm not sure but that was only an afterthought. I needed to get through this. "I wanted to do this real special."  
  
"Do what?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Tell you something. I know we've said it before, but it's never meant the same thing. Everything has changed and become so different. And it's all been for the better. But, if you hadn't noticed I've avoided saying the words because I didn't want to say them unless I was sure I meant them."  
  
"Xander," she said softly, he voice doing that wonderfully cute swoon thing.  
  
"Buffy, I love you."  
  
"I love you too," she replied instantly. The first exchange of 'I love you's' in our romantic relationship. She leaned in slowly and kissed me. The build up of so much planning swirled into the kiss. I loved her, she loved me, and now we'd said it.  
  
The kiss ended. "One more thing." I was smiling openly now. I patted my pockets and found them empty. I reached into my shirt pocket, and then checked my pants again. "You've got to be kidding me," I muttered aloud.  
  
Buffy, meanwhile, started checking the pockets of my sports coat to try and help me. I kind of forgot I'd given the coat to her and of course that's where I had put it. She pulled out the long, rectangular box. Suddenly I heard her gasp, "Xander."  
  
I swore at myself for being so stupid. I brought my eyes back to Buffy to find her holding a long, gold necklace.  
  
"Do you like it?"  
  
"Xander," she began to sob a bit. "I love it. How could you possibly afford this?"  
  
"Only the best for you my dear," I whispered and moved behind her the place it around her neck.  
  
"God, Xand, I love this. I love you. This whole night has just been, perfect."  
  
I kissed her neck and held her tightly. "I love you so much Buffy. I don't want you to ever forget that."  
  
"I never, ever could," she replied and pulled me tighter to her. We began to kiss again.  
  
"So," she said between kisses. "Do you want to go back to my dorm?"  
  
"My apartment. I have some other things to give you there," I said wickedly.  
  
"I can't wait," she murmured sexily. It was a fun night. Things were absolutely fantastic.  
  
But, you know the saying it's always darkest before the dawn? Well, the reverse is also true. It's also always brightest right before the fall.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	12. Default Chapter12

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now, but expect it to jump to a hard pg-13 later. What. People can have hard R's I can have hard pg-13's.  
  
Learning to be careful (12/?)  
  
The day my world fell apart was nothing special. It was a Wednesday. Actually it was a really ordinary Wednesday. It didn't even have an ominous feel to it or anything. And when I remember it, it's the little things I think about most.  
  
This Wednesday started as most of my days did, in Buffy's arms. It was my favorite part of the day, just before we both got up to head our separate ways. One of us always woke up right before the other and watched them sleep. Then the other would wake, feel the other's eyes were on them, and pretend to still be asleep. It was a cute little ritual we had. When the one who was awake first had enough they'd kiss the other on the forehead and they would open their eyes up like it was magic or something.  
  
"Morning," she said after I broke the unspoken spell.  
  
"Morning my love," I said softly, running my hands through her hair. I loved to do that. I loved her hair. It was like golden spun silk.  
  
We got up in unison and found ourselves in shower, kissing. We didn't do anything crazy, because no matter what anyone tells you having sex in the shower is not as easy as it looks. But, we made other fun. This wasn't a ritual so much as a luxury. We did it when we had time. After the shower we dried off together. Now that's as fun as it sounds.  
  
I drove her to school. When we had time we grabbed breakfast at the student union. She always got a bagel with cream cheese and just a wisp of blueberry jam. I, on the other hand, liked to throw her off so I always got something different. Granted the student union's wide array of choices was about as long as the line for a John Tesh concert, but I did my best.  
  
I walked her to class after breakfast and headed out for the site. The new guy I'd been training, Johnny Timmons, was waiting for me.  
  
"Little late today, huh Harris?"  
  
"Right on time actually," I spat back. This guy really gave me the creeps, which should have tipped me off.  
  
"Early bird catches the worms," he chortled. He was a big oafish type, lots of muscles but not a lot of brains.  
  
"What good does it do you to come early, you know you can't clock in until eight thirty," I replied casually and started to work. I thought I heard him mutter tonight, but I wasn't really sure and I let it alone.  
  
Lunch break rolled around and she was there. She was always there. Buffy didn't have class from twelve to one so she always came to see me during lunch. She brought some fast food with her everyday and we sat, ate, and enjoyed being with each other. When my lunch break was over, Buffy kissed me and headed back to school.  
  
She knew I'd call her as soon as I got home and we'd plan the evening. They usually consisted of a little dinner, some Scooby stuff, a little patrol, and then a lot of loving. Guess what my favorite part of the night was. And this Wednesday wouldn't be any different. At least that's what I thought.  
  
Five o'clock rolled around and I punched out. Timmons approached me. Oh good, more off the clock banter/insults.  
  
"Hey, Harris."  
  
"Timmons."  
  
"Look, I'm sorry I've been riding you so much."  
  
Well, that was unexpected.  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"The thing is they all like you so much and treat you with so much respect, I thought if I could bully you around I could prove myself to the guys. That's how my other jobs have been. But it's different here. I just wanted to apologize. What do you say I buy you a beer, no hard feelings?"  
  
I was seriously stunned for a minute. Big, dumb and ugly wanted to buy me beer. And I'm always a sucker for free beer. "Well," I shrugged. "I'm supposed to meet my girlfriend for dinner later, but I suppose one beer to bury the hatchet couldn't hurt."  
  
"Great, let's go."  
  
"Let me just grab my bag," I said. Sunnydale at night without magic is like having unprotected sex: it seems more fun and natural but it's really dangerous.  
  
"Sure."  
  
We decided to walk to the local watering hole a couple blocks away. As we walked past an alley we heard sounds of a scuffle.  
  
"Should we check that out?" Johnny asked.  
  
I gave a Johnny a once over. He looked like he could handle himself all right in a fight. But, had he ever seen what goes bump in the night before. Though he looked like something that went bump in the night and we're not talking about body bumping either. The scream of a girl made up my mind.  
  
"Come on," I rushed into the alley with Timmons right behind me. When I was in deep enough to see what was going on I saw a black leather coat with a flash of blond hair. I recognized him instantly.  
  
"Spike," I growled.  
  
"Droopy." He turned to face me with a tape recorder in his hands.  
  
"What the hell?" I started to ask. Then I felt it. It literally ripped the air from my lungs. My eyes closed and I struggled to stay on my feet.  
  
"Sorry Harris," Timmons spoke from behind me and took the knife from my back, only to drive it in a different spot. If I recall correctly, and I may not seeing as how I was being stabbed, I tried to yell but couldn't gather enough air in my lungs to do it.  
  
I had been beaten, battered, bruised, and nearly killed more times than I care to think about. Yet, none of it could compare to the pain that surged through me. It ran from the cuts in my back up my arms, down my legs, and danced along my spine.  
  
"Bastard," I gasped before I collapsed to the ground.  
  
"It can end Xander," Spike said. It's one of the only times I remember actually hearing him say my name. I wanted more than anything to shove it back down his throat, but the pain was crippling. "I know you worked some magic mojo on everyone. Brought Joyce back, made Buffy fall in love with you. All I want to do is put things back the way they were. Tell me how to undo this and you'll be fine. I won't even tell the damn Scoobies what you did."  
  
There was a sick sense of calm about him. He actually thought that was all there was too it. I tell him how to go back to the old verse and it's like this never happened. As if the old was better for anyone besides him.  
  
"How did you know about me and Buffy?" I gasped.  
  
"I've been watching you," he shrugged. The bastard, I knew someone had been there that day in the bushes. If only I'd staked him then and there.  
  
"H-how," I stuttered out, speaking becoming one of a growing list of challenges, "d-do yyyou know it can be reversed," I croaked out.  
  
"Magic always has an out," he said simply. I had to do something, so I clutched at my bag. It took almost all the strength I had to open it up and start digging through it.  
  
"That's a good boy Harris," Johnny said. I risked the strength to shoot him the dirtiest look I could muster. "Sorry about all this. He just pays too good." He shrugged back.  
  
I couldn't waste the energy to speak it but I thought, you idiot once things go back to the old verse you won't remember any of this he won't have to pay you. I pulled the lamp out. The world was slipping away from me. I blinked a few times, but I could literally feel the life flowing out of me. Johnny obviously knew what he was doing. He made sure to miss the spine so I wouldn't be paralyzed but I could feel the stickiness of the liquid on my shirt, which was clinging to me.  
  
Of course the blinding pain allowed me to ignore the fact my shirt was clinging to my back. I think I was crying, but I'm not totally sure. All I can remember for sure was Buffy. She was standing before me, urging me to fight, to stay alive. I had to gather the strength to make the wish. I blinked and took as deep a breath as I dared. Buffy was gone, but so were the stars that clouded my vision.  
  
I rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.  
  
"Bloody hell," Spike cursed. "Well I'll be damned." He paused for a second and then said, "Oh crap."  
  
He started to dive at me for the lamp. My thought process at this point was shoddy, at best. I knew I had to make a wish before Spike reached me. Problem was I knew a stray wish could have unforeseen consequences. I was able to think clearly enough to realize wishing I wasn't about to die might just mean I would then become dead. I could wish I hadn't been stabbed, but that could lead to even more painful shotgun wounds.  
  
What I should have wished was something along the lines of I wish these knife wounds would heal or I wish I was safe. But the best I could come up with was, "I wish this wasn't happening."  
  
I spoke just as Spike reached me. Suddenly, he was gone. So was the pain. The world blurred around me and I had to shut my eyes to stop from passing out. The only thing I consciously did after that was grip the lamp as tightly as possible. I wasn't about to lose that.  
  
When I finally stopped feeling like I was on a sit n' spin I slowly opened my eyes. Mistake. I had to shut them right away. Apparently the world had stopped spinning but someone had forgotten to tell my eyes that. Everything was still moving so fast it appeared like a blur before my eyes. Kind of like that time Cordelia flashed me her breasts, but that wasn't what I was thinking of at the time. Not that I think about it often or anything. Quick, picture naked Buffy, ahhh.  
  
That's actually when I noticed that my ass was soft. Well, not my ass per say, but what my ass was sitting on. I had been lying in the alley, now I was obviously sitting. I tried the eye opening thing again with more success this time.  
  
I saw my bedroom. Which explains the ass softness. Hey, jokes are my defense mechanism and if I didn't keep things light in my head I was going to get violent and that never ends well for me. I slowly climbed off the bed. So far things seemed pretty normal. Maybe the day just started over. Of course had that happened Buffy would have been next to and that would have been a much more pleasant way to wake up.  
  
As it was I wandered into the living room and stopped dead in my tracks. The lamp slipped from my hands and crashed to the floor. I didn't even hear it. My eyes were glued to my surrounds. The living room was not exactly how I left it last. Though, if you want to get technical about it, I guess it was. The room had undergone a re-Anyafication. All our pictures were back up. The furniture had reverted. Everything was back just as it was before I made the first wish.  
  
And though I may play one on TV, I'm not an idiot. I wished this wasn't happening. Genie boy just decided the best way to go about granting that wish was to eliminate my first wish. I could feel my blood boiling. The deadman was a deadman. I didn't care that he'd probably be expecting me, I was coming for him. He would pay for this.  
  
It's amazing the lengths blind rage can drive people to. That whole thing about violence never ending well for me just flew out the window. I packed enough weapons to take on the Master, Adam, Angelus and Glory together with one hand tied behind my back.  
  
"I'm going to make you sorry you ever came to Sunnydale," I told the empty room. I grabbed the lamp on my way out.  
  
Now for those of you wondering why I just didn't wish things back the way they were I had reasons. First of all did you miss the whole comment section about blind rage? Second I wasn't sure how to get back exactly to the other dimension without having a repeat of what happened the first time around. And third that would be the end of the wishes, which I wasn't prepared for. Plus, Spike needed to pay.  
  
So mostly it was the whole blind rage thing.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	13. Default Chapter13

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now, but expect it to jump to a hard pg-13 later. What. People can have hard R's I can have hard pg-13's.  
  
Learning to be careful (13/?)  
  
I marched down the streets of Sunnydale with a determination and blind purpose I had never known. Spike must die, was pretty much the only idea in my head.  
  
It didn't take long. Like I said before, I figured he'd know I was coming for him. He and Buffy came striding up the street to meet me. I didn't even see Buffy, all I saw was Spike, cowering in fear and trying his best to keep her between us.  
  
"Xander, what the hell is going on?" Buffy demanded, her voice hard and tired. The rage swelled more in me when I saw her protecting him.  
  
"Just doing what a good friend who's no longer here told me to do. When wishing myself into alternate realities I have a stake Spike on sight rule." I shocked them both when I pulled out the crossbow, already loaded, and fired. It was a risky shot but I wasn't exactly in the best mind frame. It connected in Spike's shoulder.  
  
"Bloody hell!"  
  
"Stop it," Buffy screamed and stepped between us.  
  
It was the first time I really, truly looked at her. The joy I'd become accustomed to seeing there was gone. She was pale with dark circles under her eyes. The little glow and hop in her step that she always had was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Spike said something about you being in league with a time altering demon and he stopped you so the first thing you'd do was try and kill him," she sighed, clearly annoyed at me.  
  
"He's got the last part right," I threatened, trying to load the crossbow again. Buffy quickly kicked it from my hands. She was not going to let me have this easy, but I really didn't care. In my eyes, my Buffy was dead, because what was in front of me was a shell of what used to be Buffy.  
  
"Out of my way," I said with an edge I didn't even know I had. It was strange, it was almost as if the words weren't even coming from me. Like it was some strange dream and I was watching and listening to myself but I wasn't really there.  
  
"Xander, calm down. We need to talk."  
  
"Out of my way," I said, my voice deadly quiet. "Don't make me tell you again."  
  
"I'm not moving," she replied. I just shook my head and drew out a dagger I'd brought. "You don't want to do this Xander," she sighed.  
  
"You're right. What I want to do is this." I faked lashing out with my right hand and rolled to the left. When I'd just cleared her grip I flung the dagger at Spike. It lodged in his arm.  
  
"Wanker," he growled, vampric face coming into view as he removed the dagger and arrow form his body.  
  
"Xander stop it," she demanded again. I charged past her, surprising her with my speed and tackled Spike, knocking the dagger and arrow away. I punched him in the face again and again.  
  
"You're going to pay!"  
  
"Buffy," Spike growled out. My next blow cracked something. A slight, sadistic smile played across my face.  
  
"That'll shut you up."  
  
Buffy grabbed my fist before it could connect again.  
  
"You have to get off him before you kill him."  
  
"I fully intend on killing him so I don't see the issue here," I replied, trying to pry my hand from her iron grip.  
  
"I'm not letting you hurt him."  
  
Okay, remember before I said one of these days the Powers That Be were going to push me too far and I was going to snap. Yeah, well here it is.  
  
"You're what?"  
  
"Enough. You've had your testosterone driven fun and now we're done."  
  
While she spoke, I snapped like a twig. What I saw holding my hand wasn't Buffy. It was something wearing her skin, defending Spike, and looking like she hated me. My other hand rose without thought and I slugged her across the face. I'm not proud of it. It's one of those things that always makes me wonder if I doomed to repeat my father's mistakes. But, I think given the stress of the circumstances…it was still the worst thing I've ever done. And that's what gives me hope I will be a better person then he ever was. I know right from wrong. I was clearly wrong and there's no excuse for it.  
  
Of course I had all those thoughts later. At that point I was too busy losing my mind. Buffy didn't do anything. She let go of my hand, but her expression didn't change. No shock. No fear. Not even a smidgeon of anger. She just stood there. That enraged me even more. I picked Spike up by his peroxide blond hair and dragged him to his feet.  
  
"Look," I demanded and pointed to her. "Look at her. Look her in the eyes." I shook him violently when he refused to do it. "Is that who we fell in love with? Is it? Is that why you wanted her back here so badly? So she could be miserable?"  
  
"Look," he tried to reply. I hammered him in the gut with my fist. "It was a rhetorical question you asshole!"  
  
"Xander?" Buffy asked, finally showing a little emotion. It was confusion but still it was something.  
  
"You did this to her," I said, my voice as cold as death. "Are you listening numb nuts? You killed her all over again. She was happy, alive, and in a good position in life. You reversed it all just so you could get in her pants. You are the lowest scum of the earth."  
  
Spike seemed slightly shaken by my words. The difference in this Buffy from the, we'll call it the BXverse for now, wasn't something you could miss. And for a second Spike seemed to regret what he'd done. It didn't last long. He finally caught sight of the lamp at my waist and dove for it. I slammed my elbow down on his head before he could get to it. Spike was, however, able to knock the lamp off my belt and it scattered away.  
  
He dove for it. I kicked him in the head. Then it was on. Only one of us was getting that lamp. Spike did his best to fight me. Pushing and pulling seemed to be okay with the chip. Stupid Initiative bastards didn't have any idea what they were doing. Of course that was clear the moment they didn't drive a stake through the cold-blooded killer's heart.  
  
Spike spun away from me and into Buffy, who had just been watching us fight. He was about to dive for the lamp again but Buffy reached out and grabbed him.  
  
"We need to figure this out," she said. It was clear she had no clue what was going on, but my words and his reaction to them had clearly shaken her.  
  
"Let go love," he pleaded. I advanced on them.  
  
"Spike everyone just needs to calm down," she said again.  
  
"Hello he's going to stake me," he told her.  
  
"He's pretty much right. Hold him right there," I ordered her.  
  
Buffy was actually doing it too. Enough was enough. I was through playing. I was going to turn that undead monster to dust.  
  
"Sorry pet," Spike muttered with a shrug of his head and hit Buffy in the head, causing her to let go. I noticed right away the utter lack of pain it caused him. Spike didn't seem surprised by that fact. Which meant he knew he could hit her. I didn't have time to wonder if it was a malfunction of the chip or if we had brought Buffy back wrong, because Spike went for the lamp again.  
  
"You ever lay a hand on her again I'll kill you," I screamed and dove for him. That's when the wrongness of my own, earlier actions hit me. I had been blinded by my emotions and had taken it out on Buffy.  
  
"You won't get the chance," Spike growled. "This'll be worth it."  
  
Before I could react Spike hit me in the nuts. He recoiled in pain and we both fell to the ground as the blinding pain took us.  
  
"Who's the numb nuts now," Spike said when the pain faded. He began to crawl for the lamp. I stuck a fist in his back and he fell back down.  
  
"I hope, right about now, you're wishing you'd never met me."  
  
"I wish that everyday," he growled back. I was on my feat, stake in hand.  
  
"This ends. Now," I told him.  
  
"Please stop for a minute," Buffy said, though she didn't dare stand between us. Not like I could blame her, within the past few minutes we had both hit her. I was about to apologize to Buffy for that. I would have too, if I hadn't suddenly found myself flying through the air.  
  
"Seperetie," Willow said, sending both Spike and myself across the street. "I don't know what's going on but you two look like you're going to kill each other."  
  
"That was pretty much the idea," I snapped back, fighting the invisible force holding me back.  
  
"He started it," Spike offered.  
  
"That really doesn't make me want to kill you any less," I shouted at him.  
  
"Enough," Willow yelled. "What's going on? Buffy, when you didn't show up we got worried and we came looking for you."  
  
Buffy, meanwhile, walked over towards the lamp. I had no idea how she was going to react to that.  
  
"What's that?" Willow asked, still holding us firmly in place.  
  
"I don't know, but they both want it pretty bad," Buffy said.  
  
"It houses the demon the kid was using to alter time," Spike growled. I just shrugged. He wasn't that far off.  
  
"Don't touch it pet, you'll let him out," Spike urged her.  
  
"Call her pet again and no force field is going to be able to," I finished by saying stop me from killing you, but the words couldn't be heard.  
  
"You two need to shut up," Willow ordered. And let me reintroduce you to dark magic addicted Willow. I glared at her but, obviously, said nothing.  
  
Buffy reached the lamp and bent over it. She examined it for a moment. Spike was screaming something, which no one could hear. That was actually pretty funny. Until I realized I was doing the same thing.  
  
"No way," she muttered. Crap, oh crap, she thinks she knows what it is. Buffy don't rub that lamp, I silently urged. She rubbed the lamp.  
  
The genie appeared. He was just as big as I remembered. He had tanned skin and wore the typical genie garb.  
  
"You have called upon me. You have three and only three wishes. Of those wishes you cannot use any to wish for more wishes. I am forbidden by the magic that sustains me to kill any being of the living or dead. What is your wish?"  
  
I always had to laugh at his voice, even though this was only the second time I'd heard it. He always sounded like Ben Stein with an incredible booming lowness that made his voice even deeper and more monotone.  
  
"My wish?" Buffy asked skeptically.  
  
"It's a genie, Buffy," Willow offered.  
  
"I see that."  
  
"What are you going to wish for?" Willow asked. I could tell she was worried Buffy would wish herself back to heaven.  
  
"You know what I wish, that I actually understood everything that was going on here," she said sarcastically. This guy, apparently, had never heard sarcasm before.  
  
The genie disappeared. Just as suddenly as he had disappeared Buffy staggered. Something was going through her. A strange look of peace crossed her eyes, and then one of torment took its place. The lamp fell from her hands and she started to sob. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces. She collapsed on the ground, crying to herself.  
  
"Buffy?" Willow asked cautiously.  
  
"Let them go," Buffy ordered through her tears.  
  
"But, they're going to kill each other. Or, well, Xander will kill Spike."  
  
"Let them go," Buffy repeated as forcefully as she could muster.  
  
"Okay Buff," Willow said softly. The force field holding me back was gone.  
  
"Thanks," I said, testing my ability to speak.  
  
"Play nice," she ordered, wagging a finger at us.  
  
"He started it," Spike muttered.  
  
"I'm still going to stake you," I said, but my attention was too focused on Buffy to follow through with it.  
  
Buffy tried to stop the tears, but she failed. They kept falling. Willow went over and tried to comfort her but Buffy shook her off. Slowly, she climbed to her feet, tears still falling. She walked over to us. Spike and I had gradually come over, keeping our respective distances, but we were drawn to her. She went to Spike first. It took everything ounce of will power not to kill him then and there. But it ended up being worth it.  
  
As soon as she reached him, her hand balled into a fist and she knocked Spike's nose in. It shattered like the backboard on that Shaq dunk they show on TV all the time.  
  
"You bastard. I can't believe you. You think you love me?" Her voice quavered with rage and sorrow. She raised her leg and slammed her heel into his crotch. That might have been the first time a genuine smile appeared on my face since I had seen BXverse Buffy at lunch earlier that day.  
  
"I know what you did. Everything you did. Both of you," she spoke. She left him there, wallowing in pain. Then, Buffy made her way over to me. I expected the same treatment Spike had gotten. Or possibly worse. I was so afraid she'd think I'd taken advantage of her.  
  
I just took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. "I just want to say I'm sorry I hit you." I got out, expecting those words to be my last. When Buffy came face to face with me, she did the last thing I expected.  
  
"Xander," she sobbed and fell into my arms, soaking my shirt with her tears after a few short seconds. "That was the most unselfish, kind, generous thing anyone has ever done for me."  
  
My arms instantly wrapped around her. She really did understand. She knew exactly what my wish had been and she knew what Spike had done. That meant she remembered the BXverse.  
  
"Buffy. I didn't do it to take advantage of you," I whispered, guiding us to the ground.  
  
"I know that. You'd never do that," she cried, tears streaming. "I was so happy. I love you so much."  
  
"I know. I love you," I told her, tears forming at the edges of my own eyes. "Is there anything I can do?"  
  
"Wish us back there," she pleaded, an urgency I had never heard before was present in her voice.  
  
"Buffy," Spike gasped, slowly rising. His hand covered his face as he tried to control the blood loss.  
  
"Spike what happened?" Dawn asked as she approached the group with Anya and Tara.  
  
"We sort of split up to find you," Willow said to Buffy's questioning look.  
  
"Who did this to you?" Dawn asked running towards him. Before she could reach him, Buffy looped her hand to my belt and grabbed a stake. She pulled her arm back and launched it like a dart.  
  
"You aren't even worth the effort of killing in battle," Buffy spat out hatefully as the stake hit the mark and Spike crumbled to dust. He didn't even see it coming and had no way of stopping it.  
  
I should have jumped for joy. Spike was finally gone and it had been painful. But Buffy's pain swallowed my joy whole.  
  
"Please wish us back, there's no reason to stay here," she begged me. I could barely hear her over the others gasps and Dawn's crying.  
  
"You killed him!" she screamed.  
  
My head was spinning. Again.  
  
"Xander, what's going on?" Anya asked, laying a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Anya?" I asked, amazed. I hadn't seen her in months. My system was in total shock that she was talking and looking at me like nothing had changed.  
  
Buffy, on the other hand, took my gasping of Anya's name as my answer to a reason to stay in this verse. She looked between Anya and me, pushed herself away from my arms and took off running like hell.  
  
"Buffy!" I shouted. "Buffy wait!" I tried to get up and follow her, but Anya held me tight to her. By the time I'd dropped the dead weight of the weapons I'd been packing and freed myself form Anya's grip, Buffy was out of sight.  
  
I felt like I was going to throw up. Repeatedly.  
  
"Xander, answer me," Anya whined, running her hand over my cheek in a comforting gesture. I recoiled away. The look in her eyes managed to find the small, tiny, part of my heart that hadn't been broken in the last few minutes and smash it into a paste that resembled Spike.  
  
"Sorry Anya," I said as gently as I could. "A lot's happened. I need to go for a walk. Clear my head."  
  
Yeah, cause we all know how well that works for me. But at that point I was totally at a loss. I ran in the general direction Buffy had. I paused only to grab the lamp, unsure of what the future held.  
  
I left behind me three stunned and very confused scoobies, a heartbroken young girl, and a pile of dust.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	14. Default Chapter14

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: A hard pg-13 for a couple uses of the F-word, you have been warned. What. People can have hard R's I can have hard pg-13's.  
  
Learning to be careful (14/?)  
  
They say when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. But I find this a flawed analogy. First of all, my first thought when someone hands me fruit is not, boy can I make a beverage out of this. Second, if someone hands you a lemon you can't make lemonade. You can make really bitter lemon juice, because you need sugar and water to make lemonade and nowhere in that saying is there a mention of life giving you sugar or water. So that means, you already have the sugar and water and in that case who cares if you have lemons because if you have sugar and water you aren't that bad off anyway. My new saying is, when life gives you lemons, throw them away!  
  
With that in mind, I wandered the streets of Sunnydale as if they contained the answers to my problems. And in a way, they did. Somewhere I would find Buffy. Unless she had runaway and we all know that's not her style when she has emotional trauma, oh wait. Not that it made me love Buffy less, but at this point I had to be realistic. If she ran, judging from her mind frame, it might not be a long time before she did something crazy like hurt herself. That wasn't something I was about to let happen. Things were just too crazy already.  
  
I started at her house. I let myself in and was immediately struck by how dark everything looked. All the pictures and bright colors were gone, replaced by the dark and dreary feel of a grieving house. In my eyes, the Summers house never held the warmth it once did since Joyce passed away. And I don't know if it was my imagination or not, but ever since Buffy had returned the house seemed to shrink in size. After a few minutes of search I knew she wasn't there.  
  
Next, I decided to swing by the Magic Box and see if she had come back. When I reached the shop, I peaked in the window. Willow, Tara, Anya and a still sobbing Dawn were pacing back and forth. I leaned as close to the window as I dared, doing my best to stay out of view.  
  
"I just don't understand w-w-hy Xander would just run o-off like that," Tara stuttered.  
  
"I'm more worried about Buffy. Whatever happened between her, Spike and Xander has her really shook up," Willow said.  
  
"I still don't understand what Xander has to do with any of this," Anya said, throwing her hands in the air. I had forgotten how beautiful she was. Her hair dyed blond and curly, and her shapely figure gliding gracefully across the floor to that spot on the counter where we…oh crap, I need to stop that train of thought right now.  
  
"Yeah," Willow replied, exchanging a knowing glance at Tara.  
  
"I'm going to kill Buffy," Dawn muttered, her despair turning to anger.  
  
"I could do a spell," Willow said suddenly. "I mean, not to kill Buffy, but to figure this whole thing out and find her."  
  
"And Xander," Anya injected.  
  
"So I can kill Buffy," Dawn repeated. Oh just what I need, Angry Teenage Dawn reunited with Dark Magic Addicted Willow, that's a dangerous combination. I knew I didn't have a lot of time to waste so I had to find Buffy.  
  
I searched every street, every alley, every dinner and dive that Sunnydale housed. I even stopped in Willy's and threatened people. If I hadn't been so pissed I might have enjoyed the fact people were actually intimidated by me. It's probably a catch 22 though, because if I hadn't been so pissed I might not have intimidated anyone. Not that they were helpful. Buffy was making herself scarce.  
  
I left Willy's and headed off to the last place I could think of to check, the campus. I prayed she might head over there as a last resort. Maybe just looking for a place to think. The UC Sunnydale campus is like a city in and of itself. I never noticed the pure mass of it until I tried to find the needle in the haystack. Which is kind of funny, because you'd think if people lived long enough to reach college aged they'd get the hell out of Sunnydale. Me, I'm just an idiot who's attached to people that can't leave for whatever reason. Chose one: wicca, slayer, demon, ect. I muddled through the crowds, asking a few passersby if they'd seen her. No one had. Finally I came to my last two spots.  
  
The student union was crowded. I slipped in and glanced around hoping against hope. I could see a small blond figure sitting alone at our booth. My heart jumped out of my chest. I ran over and slid myself in the seat across from her.  
  
"Excuse me," she spat out angrily. "I'm waiting for my boyfriend."  
  
The small blond, if you hadn't guessed by now, was not Buffy. "Sorry, you just looked like my girlfriend. This is our booth."  
  
"I don't see your name on it," she growled. I had to stop and wonder if she might be a demon.  
  
"Like I said, sorry."  
  
"What the fuck are you doing here?" her burly boyfriend asked. Wonderful, just what I needed. This guy was about six and a half feet tall and about two hundred fifty pounds and looked about as happy to see me, as I had been to see Spike.  
  
"I was just leaving," I said, trying to get up. He shoved me back into the seat.  
  
"I asked you a fucking question."  
  
"And I gave you a answer," I replied as calmly as I could.  
  
"Why were you here?" he hissed. I had to stop myself from just popping this guy in the face.  
  
"He thought I was his girlfriend," the bitch offered.  
  
"Oh really. I can knock that notion out of both your heads."  
  
Must remain calm. Must not give in to the temptation to nail this guy in the face. Must not cause disturbance. Oh the hell with it.  
  
"Look pal, I've had a really, really, crappy day. This is the booth I always sit at with my girlfriend. I mistook her for my girlfriend from behind. I was about to get up when you showed up. So, and let me put this in terms I'm sure your monkey pea brain can wrap itself around, if you don't get your hands off me this second," that was about as far as I got in my rant when he hit me. I won't lie to you- it hurt like a SOB. My cheek turned a dark red.  
  
"You're going to what?" he taunted. I saw some movement around me. I figured either someone was coming to break us up or the campus police were being called. Neither option was really appealing.  
  
"This," I yelled and brought my foot up square against his shins. I swung my arms around in a motion I'd seen Buffy use before, to slam my forearms into the side of his head. He wavered and that was all I needed. I brought my knee up to his chest in a Rockette like move, and shoved him over. This time he went down. Not for long. He was back up and towering over me again. Ever the improve artist I grabbed the saltshaker from the table and tossed some in his eyes.  
  
"I wasn't looking for trouble," I told him, connecting with a right cross now that he was blind. Low, I know, but what's an emotionally drained man to do? "But I seem to just attract it. And I'm more than willing to deal with the trouble I attract. So like I was about to say," I continued as my last punch dropped him to the floor. "If you don't take your hands off me, I'm going to have to get violent."  
  
A loud applause broke out in the room. The bitch Buffy look-alike, just stared around the room. If I hadn't been so tired I might have blushed in embarrassment, but at that point I just looked around graciously and left.  
  
I walked aimlessly until I found myself at our tree. It was like automatic pilot, just guiding me to what my heart was after. She wasn't there. That was it. I'd been all over the damn town and I'd missed her. She was either gone or hiding. Either way I wouldn't find her until she wanted to be found. This is about the time when the stress overtook my body and I collapsed against the tree. I was crying silently. You remember what that was like when you were little and you had a temper tantrum and you cried so hard you couldn't speak and then you blacked out for a little bit, that's what I was doing.  
  
I don't really know how long I stayed there. I was a sitting duck for some vamp if they were interested. Luckily Xander Harris chops aren't that appetizing. I tried to think, but at first thought would not come. All that came was a blinding headache and pain. Heart wrenching pain. I was in no position to even be contemplating wishes, let alone making them. I wanted to lash out, find a channel for my pain. But Spike was already dust.  
  
In those moments I understood Anya becoming a vengeance demon. Vengeance itself was empty. The only hope was that if you did it long enough you could make the pain stop. No one deserves that kind of pain.  
  
More time passed. My mind still refused to function. I just laid there, willing sleep to take me into its peaceful abyss. Boy that was pretty goth, huh? But, eventually, thought came. It just happened to come in cycles. I now had two distinct choices. This reality or the BXverse. Buffy or Anya. And therein was the problem. I loved Buffy more than I ever thought possible, she was my dream woman and we were perfect together. But, I had to admit, seeing Anya again stirred up buried feelings in me. Whether I was feeling genuine love for her, had just missed her, or I was seeking a sense of closure I wasn't totally sure. Most likely it was a combination of all three.  
  
Then there was the issue of the lamp. What happens if I make that third wish, is the lamp gone does it go poof? Or do I get to keep it to pass it on to Buffy or Giles? The answer lied in research. Which meant I'd have to tell the gang and deal with the repercussions. And what if Anya goes all vengeance demon and curses me before I can make a wish or Willow does some crazy spell it's just this big huge cycle of vengeance and, and, and…okay need to calm down deep breathes. The bottom line is the final decision was no longer mine alone, and that scared the hell out of me.  
  
Then was the issue of even if we all agree and I made the wish again, how do I avoid going back to the moment I left. I tell you, being stabbed not a fun experience or one that I look forward to repeating anytime soon. Or if I do go to a different time in the BXverse, what if Spike escapes before we can get to him. Then I'm living the rest of my life in fear that anyone I meet could be his hired assassin. Hence the useless cycle of debate I was having.  
  
I was beginning to give myself a headache when my thoughts ended. I could sense her before I heard her footsteps. I always could tell when she was around. It was like I had a sixth sense that only picked her up.  
  
"I was hoping I might find you here," she whispered from behind me. If I hadn't had aforementioned sixth sense, I would have thought I was hallucinating.  
  
"Really?" I asked, not turning to face her for fear she'd run from me.  
  
"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry I took off. Things are intense."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I can't deal right now," she said bluntly.  
  
"Me neither."  
  
A second passed. It was the longest second of my life. An arm slid around my neck and chest from the back. I just rubbed her arm and pressed it tightly to my chest. Neither of us could look the other in the face yet. No great weight lifted off my chest. No light bulb popped up over my head. It was no epiphany. Nothing was simple, nor were the decisions to make easy. But for a brief moment it didn't matter.  
  
"Now what?" she asked after a while. I could feel her breath on the back of my neck. I tried to draw strength from her presence.  
  
"For now," I sighed. "We watch the sunrise."  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	15. Default Chapter15

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: back to pg-13  
  
Learning to be careful (15/?)  
  
The suns rays washed over our faces, but did little to calm our hearts. We watched what should have been a romantic sunrise in the park. I felt like throwing up. Talk about ways to impress a girl.  
  
"We have to tell them," I said softly. There was a long silence. "You know that."  
  
"Why?" she asked finally.  
  
"It's not that easy Buffy," I replied, finally turning to face her. She looked worse for wear, little puffy bags under her eyes and exhaustion over her face. And she was still the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.  
  
"Why not Xander?" she demanded, the stress finally taking it's toll. She got a scary look on her face that made me want to run the other direction. "Life here sucks. I mean, God- Willow, Dawn, Giles, Mom," her voice faded at the last comment.  
  
"Buff," I tried slowly, much as you would approach an injured family dog. You know it loves you, but when hurt it will often times snap at anyone who comes within range of it. "There's research we need to do, things to find out about. I only have one wish left."  
  
"Then let me wish," she replied. "Then, we both still have a wish left."  
  
"You'll remember everything, is that what you want?" I asked, already knowing the answer.  
  
"Well, then I could wish to forget after that," she countered.  
  
"Then no one knows about the lamp at all," I told her. Boy does this conversation remind me of the one I was just having with my good buddy me.  
  
"Then, you wish and give the lamp to me, or, or Giles."  
  
"What if, after I make the wish, the lamp is gone? I won't lose you again. The lamp is the ultimate safety net."  
  
"Damn it," she sighed dejectedly, "I think I liked you better when you were rash and impulsive."  
  
"I know hon," I chuckled and hugged her. Even as I wrapped my arms around her in a gesture not truly befitting a friend, I could feel the guilt welling up inside me. I have got to cut this poetry crap out, cripes. Buffy noticed me stiffen.  
  
"It's Anya, isn't it," she said. It was another one of those questions that was a statement deals. God I hate those.  
  
"I," I started  
  
"Don't," Buffy said sadly. "Not until you know what you want." She broke out of the hug and looked like she'd just staked her best friend. I remember the feeling. And seeing her like that, almost hurt more.  
  
"Buffy."  
  
"Please, just, don't," she said. "You're right, unfortunately, we need to do research. And we have to tell the gang."  
  
"Could you sound a little less like you just diagnosed me with cancer?" I asked, a bit harsher then I intended.  
  
"Oh, sure this is easy for you Xander. Either way you've got a great life to look forward to. Buffy or Anya. It's just a flip of a coin to you. But me, I'm miserable."  
  
"Hey," I grabbed her face and made her look me in the eyes. "You know that's not how it is."  
  
The human body is really amazing. Because, when you think 'she's been crying all night so there's no way her body has had time to replace the water she's lost,' it just goes and surprises you. As the tears rolled down her streaked face, the empty place where my heart used to be throbbed in her pain. Throbbed in her pain? What the hell am I, the dictionary for obscure sex references?  
  
"I know Xander," she got out between gasps. "It's just so hard. I want to run to Mom, but…" she trailed off.  
  
"I know what you mean," I sighed. "My first instinct is to run to Giles. England is far away, I only made it to UC Sunnydale before I passed out," I joked weakly. Buffy laughed in return and allowed me to pull her close.  
  
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate living on a hellmouth? Life is not supposed to be this complex. Boy, should I wear the green shirt or the red shirt? Or, hmmm MGD or Budweiser? Not, which dimension should we live in? NOT, my fiancée or the girl I've loved for six years? And you know the thing that drives me nuts, the last two choices happen so often that there are actually freaking books written about what to do! THERE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BOOKS ABOUT WHICH DIMENSION TO LIVE IN! Oh, I feel better now, thanks for letting me rant. Not that you really had much of a choice in the matter, but you get the idea.  
  
Buffy shifted her weight and tried to stand up on wobbly legs. It didn't work out so much for her. She tumbled back into my arms.  
  
"Why are you always there to catch me?" she asked, almost to herself.  
  
"For the same reason you're always there to save the world. It's what we do," I answered. Buffy looked into my eyes, and I could see the love in them. It's one thing to say something like I just did to someone who doesn't love you back, but it's quite another to say it if that person is in love with you.  
  
Before I really knew what was happening, our lips met. It was such a gentle and loving kiss. The rest of the world faded away, and it was just me and her. I pulled her tight, afraid if I let go I would lose her again. The soft texture of her lips mesmerized me.  
  
At least until… "Xander?" a very familiar and hurt voice called. The kiss ended, though Buffy did not leave my arms. I turned to face my accuser. Anya stood in front of me, her heart breaking live and in concert right before my eyes.  
  
Oh you got to be kidding me, come on, you couldn't give me a break here. I mean, I'm a little emotionally drained, so hey, let's kick him while he's down. I hate the freaking powers that be!  
  
"Willow did a spell. To find you," Anya said, the hatred thick in her voice. What in the hell possessed me to date a vengeance demon? And it has nothing to do with Anya, because she's great. But, I mean, I'm XANDER. I had to have known at some point I was going to screw it up, and then, gulp, no intestines for me. My torment will be going through that episode of Seinfeld with the Soup Nazi. I'll wait all that time in line, then BOOM, no intestines for you and he'll rip them out of me. So, I have an overactive imagination. Living on a hellmouth will do that to you. Sue me.  
  
"I just, never thought I'd find you, with her," Anya went on.  
  
"Anya, it's not what it looks like," Buffy interjected, still, by the way, sitting on my lap.  
  
"Oh, so you weren't just trying to shove your tongue as far down my fiancée's throat as possible?"  
  
"It's complicated," I tried, but withered under Anya's glare. She then turned away from us and ran away from the campus and from us.  
  
Yeah, cause the angst and drama levels weren't high enough BEFORE, let's throw in Anya finding out about me and Buffy. Good, then she can go all vengeance demon on my ass, I'll meet the real Intestine Nazi, and the PTB can sit up there and watch the whole thing transpire and laugh. I swear, sometimes I feel just like a pawn in somebody's freaking soap opera.  
  
"Go," Buffy said, sliding off my lap and snapping me back to the present.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Go after her. Stop her before she does something you'll both regret later," Buffy said, her voice quaking with each word.  
  
"Buffy."  
  
"Go, before I change my mind. If you love her at all, go."  
  
I sat there for a second, trying to process everything. Going wasn't the right answer, because I loved Buffy too much to hurt her like that. But staying wasn't going to help because, in truth, I do love Anya. Why me? Do I have a sign on my back that says, things aren't complicated enough, so throw some more shit on me?  
  
I stood up, slowly. I wasn't sure what to do.  
  
"I know you love me," Buffy said, tears falling again. "But if you don't stop Anya she's going to do something she'll regret. You have to stop her. We'll work the rest out later."  
  
I wasn't sure how much she believed her own words, but Buffy was right.  
  
"I love you."  
  
"Go."  
  
And I did. I ran in the direction Anya had gone, knowing exactly where she would go. I had to drive my body as hard as I could because it really wasn't so fond of the whole running thing. I think it would have been a bigger fan of the passing out from totally lack of energy thing.  
  
I reached the cemetery and burst into a crypt. It was empty. Than I remembered there were like fifty crypts in Sunnydale and I had to idea which one was the right one. I left that crypt and did the only thin I could, I just randomly started running into other crypts. Luckily I was going to catch a break. I hit a crypt and found Anya kneeling down and drawing a circle surrounding herself in the dirt.  
  
"Blessed be the name of D'Hoffren. Let this space be now a gateway to the world of Arash Ma'har, where demons are spawned. I come in supplication. I bend as the reed."  
  
"Anya, wait," I yelled.  
  
"Xander?" she asked, shocked to find me before her.  
  
"Anh, please, let's talk about this."  
  
"No," she insisted. "Blessed be the name of D'Hoffren. Let this space be now."  
  
"Anya, I love you, don't do this," I pleaded as I slowly moved closer to her. "Let me explain."  
  
"Oh yes Xander, please, do explain how you were kissing Buffy. I always knew you were still in love with her. I should have known you were no different than any of the other men. Should have known you'd break my heart."  
  
"I never meant to hurt you," I said. I knelt next to her. "Please, you have to believe me."  
  
"NO," she screamed. "Blessed be the name of D'hoffren."  
  
She was hell bent on, well, getting hell bent. "There was another reality," I said bluntly. Why the hell not at this point, right.  
  
"Let this space be now, what?" Anya broke off, looking me in the eyes for the first time.  
  
"Here," I pulled out the lamp.  
  
"Hey, that was supposed to be in the last supply delivery. I made an angry phone call about that."  
  
"I know. I found it first."  
  
"What does your stealing have to do with anything?" she demanded.  
  
"Don't you know what this is?" I asked.  
  
"An Arabian wish lamp. So?"  
  
"I made a wish Anya. I created an alternate reality."  
  
"Wait, that's a real Arabian wish lamp. Boy, it was really under priced. But that's not the point," she recovered. "You created an alternate reality where Buffy was in love with you. And what, you brought her back to this dimension with you to hurt me?"  
  
The bitterness of her words cut at me. I know I shouldn't have been surprised, she had seen the worst men had to offer for centuries and now I was just another bastard to her. But I was not prepared to have her look at me with such hatred. My life sucks sometimes.  
  
"No, that's not it at all Anh," I tried to tell her. "I just wished Joyce never died. And, things just, I don't know, spiraled out of this dimension and everything was different."  
  
"Yeah no kidding Xander," she spat out. "I granted wishes for a thousand years, you don't think I know the changes one wish can make?"  
  
"I know, I'm sorry. In that dimension, you left me and, I fell in love with Buffy."  
  
"You could have wished me back. You could have and," she started crying, "and you didn't."  
  
"Anh," I said, at an utter loss for words.  
  
"You were happy with her, weren't you," Anya spat at me. Another statement that should have been a question. This is getting out of hand.  
  
"Everyone was happy. Except Spike," I sighed.  
  
"Spike knew, didn't he," Anya said. "The wish didn't change his memories because you didn't change yourself."  
  
She sure knew how the whole wishing deal worked, I had to admit that.  
  
"Yeah. He killed me, or tried at least, and I accidentally wished us back here."  
  
"And Buffy?"  
  
"Made a wish to understand what was going on."  
  
"She loves you," Anya sobbed, her circle forgotten for the moment. "And you love her. Great. I'm out in the cold."  
  
"Anya, please. You left me in that world," I reasoned.  
  
"It obviously didn't upset you enough to wish me back, did it Xander. You're playing with dimensional folds, so if I left you and you wanted me back, all you had to do was wish for it."  
  
"I was saving the wishes, in case something bad happened."  
  
"Like you fiancée leaving you?" she demanded.  
  
I was speechless. I had no quick comeback or response for that.  
  
"I need to be, somewhere that isn't here," Anya said. She rose and for the second time in an hour, ran away from me. Only this time I didn't follow.  
  
I sat in the dirt, alone, broken, and just a little too close to insane rage for my taste. I needed to figure some stuff out, quickly. Or else I'd be having confrontations like that with the rest of the gang. My rage finally boiled over and I grabbed the lamp. I rubbed it and big giant genie appeared.  
  
"You and I are going to have a little talk," I said menacingly. Oh, scary.  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


	16. Default Chapter16

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, wish I did, but be careful what you wish for. Of course that's the whole point of this story.  
  
Previous parts can be found at:  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134718  
  
  
  
Rating: hard pg-13 for a few f-bombs (yes I know if I'm not old enough to write the word it shouldn't be in the story, but I'm protecting the children whose fragile minds I could easily warp. So there)  
  
Learning to be careful (16/?)  
  
"So, talk," I ordered the genie. He said nothing. "Oh, no. See, this is just some big game to you. But this is my life you're fucking with," I screamed.  
  
The genie did nothing, but hover and glare at me.  
  
"Okay, listen up punk," I tried in my best Clint Eastwood voice. "I have a pretty powerful witch friend. And I'm thinking she could come up with a way to either bind, or hurt, or kill or whatever would be painful to do to you. So, you got to ask yourself a question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, genie?"  
  
He was silent still.  
  
"I will have her do painful things to you repeatedly!" I yelled and was about to storm off to find Willow.  
  
"Oh, help you I can," he said, his voice no longer sounding like a deep Ben Stein.  
  
"What?" I said, frozen in my tracks.  
  
"Help you seek, yes."yes?"  
  
"Yes," I replied.  
  
"Oh, genie, you seek genie," he went on.  
  
I spun around to face him. "No, I usually threaten powerful wish granters to kill time. The hellmouth has gotten boring so I need to make my own fun."  
  
"Much sarcasm in you," he replied. Oh this whole Yoda act was getting old really fast.  
  
"You know what, maybe I'll get Willow just for the hell of it. I bet she'd love to take her magic addiction out on you," I snapped.  
  
"Okay, okay, calm down kid," he said, his voice returning to sound like a completely normal person's.  
  
"Okay, what the hell is with all the voices?" I demanded, curiosity momentarily allowing me to forget my pain.  
  
"You said it yourself. I've lived for thousands of generations so I have to make my own fun. Plus, I was just watching Episode II," he finished.  
  
"Episode II doesn't come out for months," I retorted.  
  
"Sure, not in this dimension."  
  
"Is it good?" I asked, forgetting for a moment the situation.  
  
"Phenomenal. Yoda is kick ass,kick-ass, and Obi-Wan has a kind of dry humor I think you'd love."  
  
I shook my head, trying not to be drawn into a Star Wars conversation by a genie. "I need answers. Without a wish. That's why I called on you."  
  
"We talked about the rules before," he chuckled. "But you never were one to do what you're told were you?"  
  
"What the hell does that mean?" I asked, rubbing my head as I felt the enormous headache that was beseechingpounding me. Man, now I know how Giles must have felt dealing with us.  
  
"Just that, I've been watching you," he smiled.  
  
"Like a stalker?" Oh wonderful, my very own personal stalker complete with super powers.  
  
"Don't flatter yourself," he shot back, but it was actually kind of playful. Playful, what the hell?  
  
"Since when do we banter?" I demanded. Why can't ANYTHING be easy? EVER.  
  
"Never was one for research were you. Though, I was kind of disappointed Giles didn't know my history, but what you going to do. He had his hands full taking care of Joyce though," he said, with just the right hint of evilness in his voice to imply what he meant by hands full. Two thoughts, one, I recognized that tone from using it myself so often over the years. Two, EWWWWW!  
  
"Ewww."  
  
He simply laughed in reply.  
  
"Okay, so what am I supposed to research? Or am I actually going to have to do the research?"  
  
He sighed. Crap, this is going to be a long story.  
  
"Genies are demons," he began, now borrowing Giles voice. A comedian. Fanfuckingtastic. "Long ago, there were many of them. Their powers were unrivaled. But, some began to turn to evil. Using their ultimate powers for their own personal glory, pleasure and wealth. The humans were nothing more than pawns in their games.  
  
"So, those of us who had used our power for good, tried to help the humans. Since genies are immune from each other's powers we had to find a way for the humans to fight back. Eventually we found a binding spell. The only problem was it was a race wide binding spell, all of us would be trapped. We decided that it was the only chance this world had of surviving. The spell was cast, and every genie was bound."  
  
Even borrowing Giles lecture voice, I was hooked.  
  
"However, as it turned out, our power in this plane is so great not even a binding spell could fully contain us. Instead, we each found ourselves attached to an object of some sort. Usually it was a lamp like mine, simply because that was what was around. When rubbed, our power was free, but we were not free to use it. Whoever released us appeared to have a control over our power. But our will was so strong after three commands the connection was lost forever. The binding spell prevents us from killing any being, but often times genies can bend a wish to do their liking.  
  
"When the humans realized how dangerous this could be, the genies were taken and scattered throughout the earth, in an attempt to keep us from falling into the wrong hands. It was futile. That kind of power was bound to be discovered. So, after centuries, we learned how to be drawn to people. Those, determined to spread evil, could call to those with dark souls. Those of us who wanted to do good, found our way into the hands of good souls."  
  
It took me a few moments to process all of this. Where was Giles when you needed him, oh yeah, England.  
  
"So, why me?" I finally thought to ask.  
  
He laughed. "Because, I want to destroy this world and you're the perfect choice."  
  
I was stunned for a moment. Words couldn't form on my lips. I was the perfect choice to destroy the world. And I always thought I was the good guy. Maybe that's why I stayed on the damn hellmouth,hellmouth; I was drawn to it to destroy the world. Oh my God.  
  
"Oh my, you are gullible," he laughed. "You've got to be kidding me. Xander Harris, world ender, not likely. No, you're actually going to save this world. How you choose to do it is up to you, though I suggest you take the less painful road."  
  
My mind just went blank for a moment. I'm slow, leave me alone teacher says I'm special. When thought returned, huh was pretty much it.  
  
"Huh?" I demanded.  
  
"Look, things are," he seemed to search for a word. "Complicated."  
  
"No kidding," I snapped. Then a thought occurred to me. "Wait a second, you said before you could steer the directions of the wishes, and you're supposedly a good, all powerful demon, so why the hell did you steer me back to this dimension of pain and misery?"  
  
He sighed. "I played all the scenarios out kid, this is the only one were Spike doesn't do you in. And I have to warn you, wishing yourself back to the, ah hem, BXverse, well, there's no guarantees he won't kill you again. He's evil."  
  
"I'm well aware of his evilness. So, if you knew the whole time, why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"You had to ask. Plus, you needed to see the BXverse, and so did Buffy."  
  
"Buffy? What does, well I know what she has to do with this, but why did she need to see it?"  
  
He thought for a while. I could tell he was thinking, trying somehow to get me to understand. "You need to put this world back on course. I think I can pull this off without it counting as a wish," he said finally.  
  
"No," I shot back. "No way are we playing around with the wishes."  
  
"This will work," he said more confidently.  
  
Before I could argue anymore he reached his hand out and waved it over my eyes. Suddenly, I was getting visions. Not head splitting, I need to become part demon or else they'll kill me visions like Cordy, but almost like I was watching TV. Time passed slowly as I watched the event play out in front of me.  
  
What would have happened if the lamp had not come into my hands:hands?  
  
I watch as Spike uses Buffy, manipulates her, telling her she belongs with him. Warren and the trio of idiots kill Katrina. Buffy wailing on Spike, but not in a good way, in an abusive way. Spike's abs. Naked Spike. More of naked Spike. Ewww, Spike and Buffy in, okay an alley- gross. My God I want to stab him and for the love of everything holy put a freaking shirt on.  
  
Lots of me freaking out about the wedding. Waking up in cold sweats. Nothing I didn't already know. Dawn feeling neglected making a wish, sword wielding demon stabs me, oh that looked like it hurt. Riley comes back, that's cool. More naked Spike. Spike with demon eggs that could destroy the world. Buffy finally breaks up with Spike. Finally.  
  
Okay, my wedding. Creepy old guy who looks kind of like an uncle I know, okay he's old me that explains a lot, showing me my future with Anya, oh my God. I hit Anya. I'm walking in the rain, Anya's freaking out. The future was, false. I come back and help Buffy kill creepy old me/demon. I hold Anya's hand, I talk to her and then…I walk away. Anya's sobbing and, D'HoffrenD'Hoffryn comes and, she's a demon again.  
  
The scene shifts from a dirty motel I'm staying at to Sunnydale where Buffy gets stabbed by a demon. She thinks she's crazy and in a mental institution and oh good she tries to kill us all, fantastic. More Spike, oh goody. Anya and I fighting, Anya trying to wish me into a pasty goo, cameras, Spike and his freaking abs and oh my God that's Anya, you son of a bitch. Oh, I have an axe maybe I'll be killing Spike. No, I get to find out about Buffy and Spike and I do the manly thing and runaway.  
  
Scene shifts to Buffy talking to me, and me reminding her about the evilness that is Spike, course I'm being an ass about it but still, it was Spike. Okay, Warren has super powers, kicks my ass. Spike tries to rape Buffy. I'll kill him that,that … oh, if I ever see him again. Warren kicks Buffy's ass, but then Buffy stops him. Buffy and I make up, oh that's good. Warren.  
  
I threw up.  
  
Tara.  
  
I threw up again.  
  
The hospital, Willow, saving Buffy, dark haireddark-haired makeover, chasing Warren, killing Warren bot,Warren-bot, hunting, finding the real Warren, torturing him and then…oh Willow. I threw up, I think, but I can't really be sure.  
  
Willow going for the others, Buffy ditches me, I feel sorry for myself, good job Xander. Running, lots of running. Willow, kills Rack. That can't be Willow. Giles, oh yeah, Giles talk some sense into her. Ouch, that probably hurt. I feel even more sorry for myself, tell off Dawn about the rapist Spike, and continue to feel sorry for myself. Giant fireball, big hole, Willow's going to end the world. Giles is dying, Anya, is with him, and looking at Giles like she used to look at me.  
  
Willow on the cliff about to end the world. Powerful energy beam and I step in front of it, good call. Talking Willow down, crying, running out of energy and, hey I save the world.  
  
The vision ended. I blinked my eyes a few times and tried to reorient myself.  
  
"Like I said," genie whispered, "you save the world. But, now, you can save more."  
  
"I want to go back," I said, not caring if he'd take my word as a wish or not.  
  
"Xander," the serious tone of his voice snapped me out of my shock. "You can make that wish, I can't stop you. But, I can't promise Spike won't kill you again."  
  
"What will happen to you after I make my last wish?" I demanded.  
  
"I'll be drawn to another good soul. But I can't promise it'll be any of the Scoobies. After a third wish, I sort of, vanish for a while. It's a safe guard of sorts against someone forcing a person to keep making their wishes."  
  
"So, what you're saying is I have to make it work here," I sighed.  
  
"You've been given a gift. It's not impossible to make the BXverse a reality here. It won't be the same, but it can be good. The reason things got so bad here was because no one could stop it,it; they were too wrapped up in their own issues. You can fix things Xander. What you and Buffy have is real. Not a product of the BXverse, but true love."  
  
"What about Anya, I love her too," I told him.  
  
"Can you honestly tell me you love her as much as Buffy? But be honest, lying won't help."  
  
The moment of truth, the question I'd been too afraid to really ask myself. The question, I had always known the answer too.  
  
"I love Anya. I really do," I said slowly. "But nothing compares to what I feel for Buffy."  
  
He nodded, knowing the answer before I even spoke.  
  
"Eventually, Anya'll understand," he told me. "Be honest with her. With them all."  
  
"What about Buffy? She's still hurting, and in pain and depressed," I pleaded with him. I just wanted an easy way back to the BXverse, I didn't want to put in the work fixing things would require, things had already been fixed.  
  
"You saved Willow with your love, do the same with Buffy."  
  
I sat on the crypt floor, holding my head in my hands. Why was my life so complicated? Why weren't things easy? Why do I have to carry this burden?  
  
"Because you're the only one who can," he told me. Okay, so apparently I was speaking out loud before. I do that sometimes.  
  
"But, I just want to have a normal life," I told him. I knew as soon as the words had escaped my lips they were a lie. So did he.  
  
"No. Xander, what you want, is a happy life. A normal life wouldn't make you happy. It wouldn't have Willow, it wouldn't have Anya, it wouldn't have Giles and it most definitely wouldn't have Buffy. Normalcy you can never have, but happiness, it takes work, but it can be done."  
  
I looked at myself for a second. I was sitting on the floor of the crypt, whining about how bad my life was, when I had everything in my life I could ever want to begin with. All I had to do was open my eyes and stop feeling so freaking sorry for myself.  
  
"Why are you helping me?" I asked, as I dusted myself off. I was about to go make things right, but I had to know.  
  
"A long time this one I've watched," his voice returning to that of Yoda. "Never his mind on where he was, what he was doing. Always on his mind his heart. Yes, his heart. Friends cared about he did. Not perfect no, but always first they are. Love your gift is."  
  
"Thank you," I breathed and ran towards the door.  
  
"Hey," he called and I stopped.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Care to take me with you please."  
  
TBC  
  
Lori Bush gave me a great saying: Feedback is like money for a professional author. Please leave me feedback. (However, money would also be graciously accepted.) 


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